awkward silence | DumbFunnery

The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

Weekly Wacko (47)

“Where Do You Stand on the Important Issues? Like My Heaving Bosoms?”*

My senior year of college I was walking around campus one day when I noticed a little poster. They had posters, or little signs up, up all the time for everything. Sports, volunteer activity, blood bank (gross), student body, whatever.

At this time there was, apparently, a student body election going on.

I’m sure those college politicians did something – I was just blissfully unaware of it.

The election posters all had the same trend: a name, maybe a little slogan, a nice photo of the candidates’ face.

One poster caught my eye.

It was, of course, an attractive girl and … she wasn’t just showing her face. She had cropped the photo so that she could also show her, just being honest, nice chest.

I thought this was hysterical, pathetic, and possibly clever.

When I was hanging out with some friends later that night I brought up. I don’t remember exactly how the conversation goes, but here’s a guess.

“Have you guys seen the poster for that one chick [described her somewhat]?”
“Probably?”
“Did you notice she’s got a little bit of chest going on?”
“What?”
“She purposefully included a little bit of her chest because … well, you know …”

That’s when someone popped up to include a fantastic joke: “You guys, this election is not about a rack.”

A rack. Iraq. Get it?

*As far as the title goes, that’s not a real quote. I’d like to think, though, that had there been a debate at school – that she would’ve said that. Ooh, and it’d be neat if Fabbio was her campaign manager.

Yesterday Obama ended “officially”* the war in Iraq. Here’s hoping things work out well for the soldiers, their families, and that in the case of the good intentions in Iraq that the intent does equal the impact.

*I’ll offer this definition of when a war is over. If I found out a friend or family member was going to be stationed in Germany or Korea I’d say, “oh awesome! Buy an awesome couch for me!” If the same friend or family member was going to be stationed in Iraq I’d say, “I’ll pray for you and your family.” Again – let’s hope for worldwide utopia, eh folks?

To end on a lighter note, as an Army Brat son of a West Point grad let me say –

Eat, drink, and beat Navy.

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Pretty Pictures!!

On Sunday I drove down to Galveston with the girlfriend unit. She made me stop and take pictures of this very pretty house. Good call girlfriend unit!

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De Jour of the Week (8/30/10)

Super Elite First Tier Gold Status Contributor

I graduated college, and what’s this!, I found a job!
This was great, for I couldn’t be considered a slob.
Yes sir, I’m gainfully employed and corporate now
Look at my nice shoes and ziplocked lunchtime chow.

I’m all set, I’ve got a handle on this adult ‘stuff’
Then in the mail, my school tells me I’m not up to snuff?
“Congratulations, Dear Graduate, you’re quite the lad,
And gainfully employed to boot? We’re all so glad,”

I smiled to myself and thought ‘isn’t this nice,’
While I paused and looked around my cubicle/office,

“Now that you’ve graduated – you should know,”
The letter continued, get ready, here we go,
“For only X dollars a month you’ll have gold status
“And a kindly-worded thank-you note from some professor emeritus.”

‘Well, ok,’ I thought to myself after some time,
‘X dollars a month, I suppose I make good enough dime.’

Some time passed and I got my lovely note
That professor sure knows how to copy-and-paste dote.

“Dear gold status contributor,” a new letter came,
Would you believe I was happy at first (was I insane?),
“You know, you’re great, we love you, you’re perfect, here’s the thing,
“It’s only X dollars a month more for First Tier, so come on and ch-ching!!”

‘Well, since I can give, I’ll give’ my kinder side gently voiced
I thought of scholarships and grants for kids and tears made my eyes moist,

“Dear, dear, lovely, kind, passionate, giving, angelic sir,”
The next letter seemed not just desperate, but desperater
“You’re so close to the next status level … Elite!
“So get the lead out, and to the bank with fleet feet!”

The letter informed me of a potential thanks from so-and-so
And, though I hadn’t heard of him, it seemed too good to say no.

Reader, I’ll tell you, I went wrong somewhere along the line
I’m not saying don’t give money, that’s all fine,
Just be careful when you donate money or help a little bit
A letter here, an email there, a friendly call – they’ll do anything for a hit.

While you may be smart, with an over-flowing brain that’s celebrated
I’ll tell you, if you’re not being manipulated, you’re being re-manipulated.
So listen closely when I tell you this last fact, and don’t listen with callous –
For only x dollars a month you can buy off me my Super Elite First Tier gold status.