The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Ellen DeGeneres’

Attn: Ellen (8/16/17)

Front

Ellen321a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen321b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

In my feeble attempt to learn some German via Duolingo, I am also learning that I don’t know much English. For example, today I am doing a lesson on ‘Genitive Case.’ I don’t know what that means, but I can only assume it’s language you’d use while visiting Geneva. Stuff like, “hey, nice watch!”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (8/9/17)

Front

Ellen320a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen320b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know anything about the mechanics of dog bladders? I take the dog for a walk, she stops 3-6 times to pee! What!? How!? It’s like she’s a hiker rationing water … but the opposite. And does she plan her stops or do they strike her like, “THIS! This spot needs my urine!” Dogs, huh?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (8/2/17)

Front

Ellen319a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen319b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think when dogs dream they might dream of having human jobs? Like sitting at the desk typing away, or being a DJ? And those little puppy dream bark/whimpers are them yelling out “MAKE SOME NOOOOOOOISE!!!”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (7/26/17)

Front

Ellen318a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen318b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I can picture it now.

The date? Today, plus 30 years.

The place? A kitchen table.

The statement? “You guys remember that your dad went NUTS and sent out surrealist Christmas cards … in July?”

It’s all about GOALS.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (7/19/17)

Front

Ellen317a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen317b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

What year do you think it will be when the United States runs out of -gate words?

“It’s BananaGate all over again!”

“Wait … BananaGate or BananasFosterGate?”

“Huh? Dude, if anything it’s like PeanutButterAndBananaSandwichGate 2.0.”

My prediction? 2018. Let me know your best guess.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (7/12/17)

Front

Ellen316a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen316b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

My dryer is pretty fancy. Every time it finishes a load a little song plays. It’s like my wife and I are leveling up in a Super Nintendo game.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (7/5/17)

Front

Ellen315a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen315b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Unless this girl is a squatter, I’m not entirely sure she knows what ‘moderate cost’ means. But hey, we all need a summer shack, right?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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