The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘sleep’

Noon Year’s Eve Party

Dear fellow new parents and otherwise sleepy individuals,

How are you? Are you excited about New Year’s Eve? Kind of an ‘eh’? Hey, me too! And guess what, I’ve got a party for you!

That’s right, it’s Noon Year’s Eve! We’ll have brunch (eggs, bacon, another helping of bacon, biscuits, hash browns, and tortillas in case a fork isn’t your thing and you want to eat your food in an edible carrying case) and then count down to 12!

Twelve noon.

When noon hits, we’ll continue to sip coffee and talk and sit around. It’s only noon, you seriously already need to go to bed? We’re a judgement free zone, so, sure, go ahead. There’s a bunch of blankets in the corner, we call it ‘blanket corner.’ Head over there and knock out. It’s fine. But I hope you can sleep over the uproarious sound of forks on plates (cinnamon roles for dessert, anyone?) and spoons stirring their coffee.

Join us, sleepyheads, and we’ll rock in Noon Year’s Eve, because midnight is too damn late.


Top 5 Signs to Tell If You Didn’t Get Enough Sleep Last Night

Top 5 Signs to Tell If You Didn’t Get Enough Sleep Last Night
Are You a Grumpy Pants? Hmmm?

1. Local news anchors lack of budget/skill/professionalism/general ‘local news anchor’-ish behavior is not funny and endearing but annoying to the point that you turn off the TV.

2. On the drive into work overly aggressive drivers are not given the benefit of the doubt and assigned a reason like being late to something important, but are just plain jackasses who are … they’re freaking kidding me right? They really just cut that dude off twice? And for what, to hurry up and get to that red light? Moron.

3. The thought of having a genuine runny-nose, high fever, weak feeling, sore throat COLD is more appealing because it means you don’t have to leave your home.

4. Part two of the title annoyed you.

5. Having social plans for after work that night makes you angry the first half of the day.

The Delegates Assemble

Brain: I’ve called this emergency meeting of the department heads today because lately the body hasn’t been getting enough sleep. I’ve formed what I think is a pretty good plan for how to deal with this … Staggered start times. You see, we will introduce the body’s full potential slowly as the day goes on. That way we don’t use so much energy trying to get everything going for no reason.

Hand: I see what you’re saying but … what can you cut? You need us for cereal!

Brain: Yes, hands, feet, legs … You guys are important. Priorities one and two are peeing and cereal and those must be handled quickly.

Eye: You usually turn on the news so you’ll need us and the ears.

Ear: Yep.

Brain: Uh, correction, the LOCAL news. Ears and eyes needed at about 20% for the sake of everyone. You guys will ramp up slowly and be good to go by commute time.

Heart: So … you’re calling for this change in procedure?

Brain: Yeah … so …

Heart: It’s just … Last night everyone agreed they were tired … Eyes, legs, feet, back, just … everyone, even YOU … And yet …

Brain: Look I’m the first to admit, last night was a mistake. I didn’t need to watch an hour of bloopers from shows I’ve never even watched at a time when I should have been asleep.

Heart: LAST NIGHT? You make it seem like that’s not the way it normally is? I think it’s time we vote for new leadership, and I put my name in the mix. I’m the HEART. This show wouldn’t run without me. And what’s more, I’m pretty dang consistent unlike the brain who sometimes chooses to sleep in the middle of the day but wake up at bedtime.

Brain: The brain wants what it wants! And listen, new leadership is –

Foot: I also want to throw my name into the mix for the new leader.

(Heart and Brain laugh.)

Brain: What … How are YOU important?

Foot: …I represent a very important delegation for dancing!

Hip: Not more important than us!

(Everybody laughs.)

Brain: Thanks for the laugh, hips, that was needed. This was getting tense.

Hip: No really. We are important. You can’t ignore us forever!

Brain: Shhh, shhh, shh. Quiet down. You can raise any concerns at the quarterly meeting.

Hip: …You’ll regret ignoring me someday.

Heart: I don’t see why I shouldn’t be leader, really.

Brain: Heart, you operate at 100% necessary functionality always. Everybody knows I’m willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the body, sometimes forcing myself to ramp up from 10% functionality to 100% functionality over the course of HOURS.

Hand: …Lazy.

Brain: What was that?

Hand: Nothing.

(Suddenly a man on horseback rides in.)

Brain: Who are you?

Mysterious horseback man: My name is Charley, and this is my horse. I’m taking over this place.

Tomorrow Brad

Lately I have been trying to be a better friend to myself, aka Tomorrow Brad. You see, my absolute favorite person is Right Now Brad (RNB), and sometimes I have acted just for RNB.

“I feel like if I slow down for a second I will realize I’m already stuffed … Better eat faster!!”

RNB can be a real jerk to Tomorrow Brad, as you can see from the above quote. And don’t even get me started on RNB’s sleeping habits.

“Oh man it’s midnight? Well I’m already gonna be tired tomorrow so I may as well watch one more episode …”
– Classic RNB

Here’s my revolutionary idea: acting on behalf of Tomorrow Brad more and more. I feel like this is the part about being an adult that no one warned me about.

When I was younger Tomorrow Brad and Right Now Brad saw eye to eye on a lot of things. Right Now Brad might say, “I should get Taco Bell!” and so I would. Then Tomorrow Brad would say, “Later we should eat half a pumpkin pie! While you’re out for Taco Bell pick up some more whipped cream!” The two would high five and all was merry.

Now Tomorrow Brad acts almost immediately in reaction to Right Now Brad. “Oh man,” Tomorrow Brad says 10 minutes after finishing Taco Bell, “that was such a bad idea …”

Maybe getting older isn’t about maturing or becoming more intelligent, but instead feeling the repercussions of bad ideas with force and surprising speed. Running miles on end, then eating fast food for dinner and staying up late to play video games was a dream Saturday only a few years ago … Today, it is a recipe for sadness.

Let’s hear it for our future selves, the most demanding friend you have.


Airplanes, her brother and I went and saw the symphony at the Sydney Opera House. It was great. They performed Beethoven’s 9th, which was a joy. An … ode … to joy.


Before the symphony we decided to go to the Opera Bar to eat a little bit. I decided to have a drink. Airplanes also decided to get a drink. I was going to get a beer, Airplanes was going to get a glass of the Opera Bar Shiraz. Then, inspiration struck. Why not just split a bottle of this Opera Bar wine!? Brilliant!

The key to going from being sophisticated to soooooo-phisticated is having half a bottle of wine. Yes, indeed.

With some wine in me, and noticing a fellow opera frequenter (I’ve never actually seen an opera) who was sporting the sweater tied around his shoulders, I decided a photo op would be nice!

Sydney Australia

Splendid, I say, what what! Am I right?

Notice that behind me, to the right, is a person also holding a glass of some booze. Turns out she was a fellow jokester, and wanted in on the action. She jumped up and gave me rabbit ears, to try and ruin the picture. I had a pretty good laugh at that, so then we staged a sophisticated photo, together.

Sydney Australia

Check out the fella to our right, deliberately not looking at us. This guy was the angry boyfriend. Whoops! Apparently his girlfriend was having a much better day than he was …


After the lovely symphony ended, Airplanes, her bro, and I headed outside for some more pictures of the Opera House. How could we not? My motto for this trip was that there’s a good chance I’ll never be back to Australia (do you know how far away that place is!! and how many other places in the world there are to see!!), so I had better take 4 billion pictures.

Thankfully, Airplanes’ brother noticed a great photo opportunity. A woman, with her family, was passed out cold. Happily residing in sleepy town.

Maybe she had decided to take on a full bottle of wine by herself before the symphony. I’m not sure. Anyhow, I jumped at the opportunity and took a spot beside her. (Why? Because I am sooooophisticated!)

Sydney Australia nap

It would’ve been better without the program over my face, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

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