DumbFunnery

Part 1

Zombies and Maslow’s Hierarchy, or Who to Semi-Trust and Who to Run Away from Screaming

Part 1 of this story is a little theory I have come up with based on the Zombino, zombie friends, and zombie enemies I have met over the past month or so. For this theory, we will look to our dear friend Abraham Maslow.

Layer 1 – Physiological – Yikes. These are zombies you do not want to mess with. You know in zombie movies how there is sometimes that zombie that is just the upper half of the body, and yet it continues to crawl toward you? That’s full-blown physiological state zombie. These guys will kill each other without hesitation if they think another zombie is in their way. Heck, sometimes just for fun I think. But that’s probably my fearful imagination.

Layer 2 – Safety – These zombies will stumble on a human, and they’ll attack together. If it was a group of physiological zombies? They’d kill the human, and at the same time try to kill each other just to have the meal all to itself. So, you’re still dead if you run across some safety state zombies, but know that you’re bringing them together. Awww.

Layer 3 – Love/Belonging – These are the zombies you picture when you picture zombies. Still pretty human. If you saw one for a split second you wouldn’t know it’s a zombie (just a weird, spaced out person). In movies, hordes of zombies gather together outside a building where there are humans inside. That’s because: A) they want dinner; and B) they like the company. Sure, no one admits that (for obvious reasons …) but it’s true.

Here’s the crazy thing about the belonging stage zombies. There is a definite bell curve in the zombie community. 70% of zombies are in this group, and because they hang around other zombies in this group, it keeps them in it. If a zombie gets half blown apart, or they fall behind, they sink to layer 1 (bad times ahead). If, on the other hand, the zombie leaves the group, and it gets to witness humans being good … well …

Layer 4 – Esteem – Now we’re talking. You’ve got a chance with these guys. If an esteem state zombie is coming at you and your child or loved one, and you put yourself in harms way to protect the other person? Bravo, hero, because this zombie will have the human element trigger somewhere in their foul-smelling head and you live to see another day. OR, you get killed quickly and mercifully.

Level 5 – The Great Zombino – Self-Actualization – The Zombino is the only level 5 zombie I met, as far as I could tell. I met a number of level 4 zombies (remember when I ran into that gang in the woods and the Zombie saved me? A bunch of level 4s).

A zombie gets to level 5, I think, by getting away from other zombies, and living life as close to a human as it can. Sure, it still stinks like a zombie, and eats like a zombie (which is troublesome), but level 5 zombies get boundaries. They have a sense of right/wrong for who to eat.

So … now your question should be, wait, when the Zombie was hanging out with all those level 4s … wouldn’t that bring him down a peg? And if a bunch of level 4s hang out together, doesn’t that put them in danger of devolving to level 3s?

You would be absolutely right, on both accounts. But that’s for next week.