The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

This post was inspired by a work email that included this sage piece of advice, if you are bitten by a rattlesnake one of the things NOT to do if bitten is: “Do not use electroshock therapy.”

 

***

“John! JOHN!! HELP!!”
“Doug? Doug, what’s going on?!”
“A snake just bit me! I think it’s a rattlesnake too!”
“Oh my God! Is it still closeby?”
“No … No, I was in the woods when I got bit, so I ran out to this trail to find you.”
“Ok good. Ok … Ok. Umm, so first of all stay calm. And – ”
“I have the area of the bite below my heart so that -”
“Oh yeah! Yeah! You want to minimize blood flow or something. Ok yeah. So … ok it’s coming back to me some … Uh …”
“I remember no aspirin because it can increase bleeding.”
“Yes! Yes! Good memory! Um … OH! DUH! Electroshock therapy!”
“…What?”
“Yeah. How could I forget? People always make fun of me for having this travel version home electroshock therapy kit in my trunk, so you’d think I would’ve thought of this right away … I tell ya, it’s funny how the mind works, it’s like this one time – ”
“DUDE.”
“Right! Be right back!”
“Wait! … NO! … Dang it … Why does he want to give me electroshock therapy? Is he thinking I imagined this whole snake bite and he’s a therapist from the 30’s? What kind of awful solution is shocking the hell out of me? ‘Were you bitten by a snake?’ ‘Yes’. Bzzzzz. This is just so -”
“Hey! I ran back as fast as I could. Ok, so if I remember right it’s like jump starting a car.”
“I AM NOT A CAR.”
“Dude, chill. I know that. This is for the snake bite. Desperate times I guess. I mean! … Not that this is desperate. Stay calm … Just … put these clamps on.”
“NO! NO! How is shocking me supposed to help!?!?”
“Uh … first of all it’s electroshock therapy … So … That makes a difference I guess. And second of all I’m not a scientist, but I guess the shocks are like a therapeutic measure that relaxes you so the venoms collect and drain out with the blood that you’re losing. It’s all good, dude. Just bite down on this towel so you don’t accidentally bite your tongue off and we’ll get your engine running again. Ha! Get it? Like you’re a car.”
“…Yeah, I got the joke.”

 

And that’s how Doug died.

 

(The advice is funny to me because it seems like common sense to me, when is electroshock therapy ever a good idea?, but also it’s funny because it has a sort of double negative … What NOT to do: Do NOT use electroshock therapy. So are you saying you want me to use electroshock therapy?)

 

Nurse Ratchet, why are you carrying that bucket of snakes?

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