The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘advice’

So, There’s a Spider in Your House

We here at DumbFunnery often get questions and asked for advice about a number of topics. Today’s question comes from an avid reader. (Aren’t they all!?!)

‘Recently we found a very large spider in our house – what should we do?’

This is a tough question because I would like to ask a number of follow-up questions, so I’ll just answer for a few different cases.

 

You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Didn’t See You

This is fine. Do nothing, or call an exterminator. Either way is OK. But, when you call the exterminator, call from work or away from your house, and don’t be home when the exterminator does his or her thing. Also, when you get home after the exterminator has been there, say things like, ‘I can’t believe a stranger broke in!’ or ‘oh no, what did that evil stranger do!?’

 

You Saw the Spider, You Tried to Kill the Spider, the Spider May or May Not be Dead

Oh, you idiot. The spider has EVERYTHING on you. It knows your name, your home, your favorite shows (probably not important information but knowledge is power and spiders have 8 legs which means they are likely 4x more crafty than a human so we can’t even CONCEIVE of the ways the spider will use this information against you). I’d recommend moving, but odds are the spider will move with you which is an absolute alpha move and you’ll show up at your new house, go to bed in your new sheets (you’ll want to replace your sheets – the spider has … done things … to your old ones), and the spider will walk across your face as you sleep.

Have you considered giving up all your personal possessions and becoming a monk? This is your best option.

 

You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Saw You

The spider has established dominance. If the spider sees you, you must kill it swiftly. It now knows your character, and it finds you to be weak. Congratulations, you are now renting from a spider landlord. Your life is but a toy for the spider to play with. Just humor the spider, and you’ll live a mostly normal life.

Good luck, dear reader.

Need Other Brilliant Advice?

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

DumbFunnery Doles With the Best, Part I

Tips For Recent Grads – Your Big Trip

Congratulations, Graduates! Welcome to the Next 40 Years

Faking Football Knowledge

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

Here’s What I Would’ve Done

Imagine if life had moments like when you’ve just finished a round of Catchphrase or Taboo. Everyone around you offering up how they would’ve approached something that didn’t work out for you.

“You coulda kissed her.”
“Didn’t you see how she had her arm on your shoulder for like a minute after you guys hugged?”
“It was pretty clear.”
“Yeah, I would’ve done that way different.”

I know it’s pointless but I can’t help but take part in the practice. Why didn’t you reference this movie? Why didn’t you break the word up and solve it as two words?

“Yeah, you could’ve gotten a raise.”
“You definitely could’ve gotten a raise.”
“Why didn’t you at least ASK for a raise?”
“You do know you could be earning more money right now, right?”

Consider it a new resolution, a pointless one because offering up pointless tips is as involuntary as your head moving forward when you sneeze.

“If you had leaned back before you sneezed you wouldn’t have head butted the chair.”

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today? It’s time again for … “I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …”

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!

 

Question One

I drink a ton of Mountain Dew, so, like, since that kills sperm count do I even need to wear a condom?

Nope! And even better news, you can spend that money you would’ve used on condoms to buy MORE Mountain Dew to ensure that those pesky sperm are really super duper dead.

 

Question Two

I’m going to be traveling soon and it says I should get a malaria vaccination if I can’t avoid mosquito bites. That seems pretty impossible. Or is there some secret I don’t know?

There are probably a lot of secrets you don’t know, but for now we’ll focus on the mosquito issue because that’s easier to answer.

There are a lot of great options out there when it comes to avoiding mosquito bites. Personally, I like to travel wrapped in a series of trash bags, completing the outfit with a long sleeve shirt and gloves, and a bee keepers helmet. One time cost of a bee keeper helmet vs one malaria shot every few years? Seems like a pretty simple decision to me.

(From the CDC’s site about Colombia, it says “When traveling in Colombia, you should avoid mosquito bites to prevent malaria.”)

 

Question Three

A co-worker told me at a meeting that he wants to talk to me about STDs. What should I do?

First of all, I hope you are looking seriously at what you are including when you are coding. If you don’t need everything within the C++ Standard Library then you could consider specifying those things which you do need. For example, std::cout rather than including the catchall “using namespace std” which would then allow you to just have “cout.”

Also, as we all know, be sure to wear protection and have serious medical talks with your partner(s) before writing code or having sex.

***

For more of my expert medical advice, check part I!

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

%d bloggers like this: