The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘advice’

So, There’s a Spider in Your House

We here at DumbFunnery often get questions and asked for advice about a number of topics. Today’s question comes from an avid reader. (Aren’t they all!?!)

‘Recently we found a very large spider in our house – what should we do?’

This is a tough question because I would like to ask a number of follow-up questions, so I’ll just answer for a few different cases.


You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Didn’t See You

This is fine. Do nothing, or call an exterminator. Either way is OK. But, when you call the exterminator, call from work or away from your house, and don’t be home when the exterminator does his or her thing. Also, when you get home after the exterminator has been there, say things like, ‘I can’t believe a stranger broke in!’ or ‘oh no, what did that evil stranger do!?’


You Saw the Spider, You Tried to Kill the Spider, the Spider May or May Not be Dead

Oh, you idiot. The spider has EVERYTHING on you. It knows your name, your home, your favorite shows (probably not important information but knowledge is power and spiders have 8 legs which means they are likely 4x more crafty than a human so we can’t even CONCEIVE of the ways the spider will use this information against you). I’d recommend moving, but odds are the spider will move with you which is an absolute alpha move and you’ll show up at your new house, go to bed in your new sheets (you’ll want to replace your sheets – the spider has … done things … to your old ones), and the spider will walk across your face as you sleep.

Have you considered giving up all your personal possessions and becoming a monk? This is your best option.


You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Saw You

The spider has established dominance. If the spider sees you, you must kill it swiftly. It now knows your character, and it finds you to be weak. Congratulations, you are now renting from a spider landlord. Your life is but a toy for the spider to play with. Just humor the spider, and you’ll live a mostly normal life.

Good luck, dear reader.

Need Other Brilliant Advice?

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

DumbFunnery Doles With the Best, Part I

Tips For Recent Grads – Your Big Trip

Congratulations, Graduates! Welcome to the Next 40 Years

Faking Football Knowledge

Here’s What I Would’ve Done

Imagine if life had moments like when you’ve just finished a round of Catchphrase or Taboo. Everyone around you offering up how they would’ve approached something that didn’t work out for you.

“You coulda kissed her.”
“Didn’t you see how she had her arm on your shoulder for like a minute after you guys hugged?”
“It was pretty clear.”
“Yeah, I would’ve done that way different.”

I know it’s pointless but I can’t help but take part in the practice. Why didn’t you reference this movie? Why didn’t you break the word up and solve it as two words?

“Yeah, you could’ve gotten a raise.”
“You definitely could’ve gotten a raise.”
“Why didn’t you at least ASK for a raise?”
“You do know you could be earning more money right now, right?”

Consider it a new resolution, a pointless one because offering up pointless tips is as involuntary as your head moving forward when you sneeze.

“If you had leaned back before you sneezed you wouldn’t have head butted the chair.”

I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)

Hello dear avid readers, how are you today? It’s time again for … “I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …”

As some of you are I’m sure aware, people like to ask me for medical advice a lot. I always try my best to answer their questions and I thought I’d share some of the past few questions I’ve received and my answers with everyone.

And remember, for medical questions, just shoot me an email at, post a comment, try Twitter @DumbFunnery, or Facebook on the DumbFunnery page. My God I’m incredibly available to reach. You might be tempted to think I’m making up the idea of people ever writing in to ask questions, but that’s just silly.

On to the very real questions!


Question One

I drink a ton of Mountain Dew, so, like, since that kills sperm count do I even need to wear a condom?

Nope! And even better news, you can spend that money you would’ve used on condoms to buy MORE Mountain Dew to ensure that those pesky sperm are really super duper dead.


Question Two

I’m going to be traveling soon and it says I should get a malaria vaccination if I can’t avoid mosquito bites. That seems pretty impossible. Or is there some secret I don’t know?

There are probably a lot of secrets you don’t know, but for now we’ll focus on the mosquito issue because that’s easier to answer.

There are a lot of great options out there when it comes to avoiding mosquito bites. Personally, I like to travel wrapped in a series of trash bags, completing the outfit with a long sleeve shirt and gloves, and a bee keepers helmet. One time cost of a bee keeper helmet vs one malaria shot every few years? Seems like a pretty simple decision to me.

(From the CDC’s site about Colombia, it says “When traveling in Colombia, you should avoid mosquito bites to prevent malaria.”)


Question Three

A co-worker told me at a meeting that he wants to talk to me about STDs. What should I do?

First of all, I hope you are looking seriously at what you are including when you are coding. If you don’t need everything within the C++ Standard Library then you could consider specifying those things which you do need. For example, std::cout rather than including the catchall “using namespace std” which would then allow you to just have “cout.”

Also, as we all know, be sure to wear protection and have serious medical talks with your partner(s) before writing code or having sex.


For more of my expert medical advice, check part I!

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

A good friend of mine, Juicebox, is going to the World Cup. It’s going to be fantastic, but the other day he pointed out something to me:

Everyone keeps saying, some jokingly and some not, warnings about riots.

First of all, as with almost everything in life, it’s all about preparation. In addition to packing shorts, good walking shoes, shirts, your team’s gear, etc, why not pack a few riot shields? Maybe a gas mask and Kevlar body armor too. Sure it may raise a few eyebrows at the airport (possibly prevent you from flying?) but whenever security asks you a question about your frighteningly heavy suitcase respond coolly “takes one to know one.”

Riot police, or prepared-for-the-worst soccer fans?

I’ve heard rumor of riot police using tear gas, so bring a lot of tissues. If you’re short on money, toilet paper works. You’ll be a crowd favorite when they’re getting “handled” by the police and you hand out items to deal with the waterworks.

Also, bring extra underwear. Just trust me on this. Lastly, get a lot of pictures of attractive people and cute animals on your phone. This will help with the flight and also it comes into play in a riot.

(In case riot police are reading this: The movie Up is a much less expensive way to induce tears. Plus it has the added benefit of teaching people about love.)

That’s enough talk of prep – let’s get to the good stuff.

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

1 – Stay calm. If you can’t, go ahead and crap your pants, that way you are forced to stay calm because no adult in their right mind is going to be running/jumping/moving about with all that going on in their underroos.

2 – Use soothing tones, maybe just make cooing noises. Picture the rioting people, or police in head-to-toe riot gear, as an angry dog. If you have food, shake it with good intentions toward the face of the rioter/police. For the sake of a good sound, I’d recommend a box of crackers. (It sounds like an edible puzzle!)

3 – Get your phone out and start showing people around you the pictures of attractive people or animals. Take a look at who is around you and use your best guess to determine what they would like. Here are some tips:

a. If the person near you is a guy who has ripped off his shirt only to reveal an underwhelming lack of diet or workout concerns, try a picture of a mostly naked lady

b. If the person near you is a motherly figure who looks like she could kill with her eyes, try a picture of Matthew McConaughey

c. If it’s a cop, try a picture of a kitten cuddling with a puppy sleeping on TOP of a large dog (Talk about adorable!)

4 – Walk with confidence toward the nearest baby. No one (police or rioters) wants to hurt a baby and have that clip playing 24×7 on the news. Just hang out near the baby. The animal pictures, food, and messy pants will all endear you to the kiddo so you’ve got yourself a new buddy.


Good luck Juicebox. With my pro tips in mind, everything will be just fine.

Do Not Use Electroshock Therapy

This post was inspired by a work email that included this sage piece of advice, if you are bitten by a rattlesnake one of the things NOT to do if bitten is: “Do not use electroshock therapy.”



“John! JOHN!! HELP!!”
“Doug? Doug, what’s going on?!”
“A snake just bit me! I think it’s a rattlesnake too!”
“Oh my God! Is it still closeby?”
“No … No, I was in the woods when I got bit, so I ran out to this trail to find you.”
“Ok good. Ok … Ok. Umm, so first of all stay calm. And – ”
“I have the area of the bite below my heart so that -”
“Oh yeah! Yeah! You want to minimize blood flow or something. Ok yeah. So … ok it’s coming back to me some … Uh …”
“I remember no aspirin because it can increase bleeding.”
“Yes! Yes! Good memory! Um … OH! DUH! Electroshock therapy!”
“Yeah. How could I forget? People always make fun of me for having this travel version home electroshock therapy kit in my trunk, so you’d think I would’ve thought of this right away … I tell ya, it’s funny how the mind works, it’s like this one time – ”
“Right! Be right back!”
“Wait! … NO! … Dang it … Why does he want to give me electroshock therapy? Is he thinking I imagined this whole snake bite and he’s a therapist from the 30’s? What kind of awful solution is shocking the hell out of me? ‘Were you bitten by a snake?’ ‘Yes’. Bzzzzz. This is just so -”
“Hey! I ran back as fast as I could. Ok, so if I remember right it’s like jump starting a car.”
“Dude, chill. I know that. This is for the snake bite. Desperate times I guess. I mean! … Not that this is desperate. Stay calm … Just … put these clamps on.”
“NO! NO! How is shocking me supposed to help!?!?”
“Uh … first of all it’s electroshock therapy … So … That makes a difference I guess. And second of all I’m not a scientist, but I guess the shocks are like a therapeutic measure that relaxes you so the venoms collect and drain out with the blood that you’re losing. It’s all good, dude. Just bite down on this towel so you don’t accidentally bite your tongue off and we’ll get your engine running again. Ha! Get it? Like you’re a car.”
“…Yeah, I got the joke.”


And that’s how Doug died.


(The advice is funny to me because it seems like common sense to me, when is electroshock therapy ever a good idea?, but also it’s funny because it has a sort of double negative … What NOT to do: Do NOT use electroshock therapy. So are you saying you want me to use electroshock therapy?)


Nurse Ratchet, why are you carrying that bucket of snakes?

Post-Thanksgiving Work Chat Dos and Do Nots

On Monday I’ll be back at work and it will be as exciting as ever. Productivity should be slow in the morning because of the post-vacation catch-up chit chat.

Here are some simple do’s and do not’s for all you socially inept folks out there.


Co-worker: Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
You: It was great! Good food, saw family, slept lots! (Fake laugh!)


Co-worker: Hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
You: I rode my bicycle through an Indian Reservation and screamed happy Thanksgiving.
Co-worker: That … Um …


Co-worker: I clearly ate too much pumpkin pie over Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)
You: Tell me about it! We should be allowed to wear sweatpants to work the week after Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)


Co-worker: I clearly ate too much pumpkin pie over Thanksgiving! (Fake laugh!)
You: Yeah … It was just Thanksgiving that did you in …


You: Oh hey, how was your Thanksgiving?
Co-worker: (Long-winded stories.)


You: Oh God, are you serious? I know you’re about to tell me the EXACT SAME stories you JUST told the guy who sits next to me! You really think I want to listen to that again?
Co-worker: …

Tips for Planning a Surprise Party

Acknowledge to the person the surprise is for that you are doing something for them … So that they don’t go off and plan their own thing in a fit of, “but what about meeee?!”

Don’t tell your friend who can’t keep a secret til the day before. If that friend is someone who is busy, invite him or her to some fictional activity that is the same time as the actual event.

First and foremost – remember that the party is for … well, whoever it’s for. It’s not for you. Plan for their tastes, not yours!

Don’t email the spouse of the person the party is for, in case the recipient of the surprise party happens to have access to the emails of the spouse (sure, this seems specific – but it happens)

Anywho, see you in a few days for your non surprise party, Mom.

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