The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

A good friend of mine, Juicebox, is going to the World Cup. It’s going to be fantastic, but the other day he pointed out something to me:

Everyone keeps saying, some jokingly and some not, warnings about riots.

First of all, as with almost everything in life, it’s all about preparation. In addition to packing shorts, good walking shoes, shirts, your team’s gear, etc, why not pack a few riot shields? Maybe a gas mask and Kevlar body armor too. Sure it may raise a few eyebrows at the airport (possibly prevent you from flying?) but whenever security asks you a question about your frighteningly heavy suitcase respond coolly “takes one to know one.”

Riot police, or prepared-for-the-worst soccer fans?

I’ve heard rumor of riot police using tear gas, so bring a lot of tissues. If you’re short on money, toilet paper works. You’ll be a crowd favorite when they’re getting “handled” by the police and you hand out items to deal with the waterworks.

Also, bring extra underwear. Just trust me on this. Lastly, get a lot of pictures of attractive people and cute animals on your phone. This will help with the flight and also it comes into play in a riot.

(In case riot police are reading this: The movie Up is a much less expensive way to induce tears. Plus it has the added benefit of teaching people about love.)

That’s enough talk of prep – let’s get to the good stuff.

What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot

1 – Stay calm. If you can’t, go ahead and crap your pants, that way you are forced to stay calm because no adult in their right mind is going to be running/jumping/moving about with all that going on in their underroos.

2 – Use soothing tones, maybe just make cooing noises. Picture the rioting people, or police in head-to-toe riot gear, as an angry dog. If you have food, shake it with good intentions toward the face of the rioter/police. For the sake of a good sound, I’d recommend a box of crackers. (It sounds like an edible puzzle!)

3 – Get your phone out and start showing people around you the pictures of attractive people or animals. Take a look at who is around you and use your best guess to determine what they would like. Here are some tips:

a. If the person near you is a guy who has ripped off his shirt only to reveal an underwhelming lack of diet or workout concerns, try a picture of a mostly naked lady

b. If the person near you is a motherly figure who looks like she could kill with her eyes, try a picture of Matthew McConaughey

c. If it’s a cop, try a picture of a kitten cuddling with a puppy sleeping on TOP of a large dog (Talk about adorable!)

4 – Walk with confidence toward the nearest baby. No one (police or rioters) wants to hurt a baby and have that clip playing 24×7 on the news. Just hang out near the baby. The animal pictures, food, and messy pants will all endear you to the kiddo so you’ve got yourself a new buddy.


Good luck Juicebox. With my pro tips in mind, everything will be just fine.

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