The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

An Opening Act

Next on the stage is Mayhem and Eggs. You may have seen these guys at the local mall, one of them works in a children’s shoe store, and another one likes to go into the store prowling for single mothers.

Wait, I just had word from offstage, none of them have jobs. They just go to the mall to look for single mothers.

In addition to some of their hits – Jeans Shorts Lead to Mistakes? No, Jeans Shorts are Mistakes, and Canadi-Ann Curry, the Nicest Curry – they will be telling knock knock jokes, looking for a neighbors lost cat (Captain Sprinkles? Are you here??), and selling knives door to door.

To preempt the questions that will come up, yes, they have been informed they need to wear pants. No, we did not specify where they should wear those pants. Yes, we realize we set ourselves up for something stupid there … but we just love surprises!

Update from backstage, they are attracted to single mothers for two different reasons – 1, if they are mothers of very young children they are used to bad smells and have, and I quote, looser attitudes when it comes to using toilets on time, and 2, they are female and that’s what these guys are into.

Some of the other songs they’ll be singing include I Take My Tea with Soy Sauce and Dear God What Did I Just Drink. Though you may think those songs are related, they are not. But they are both secretly homages to the collective works of Louis L’Amour.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mayhem and Eggs!


Louis L’Amour, inspiration for Mayhem and Eggs the band, and Mayhem and Eggs the breakfast sandwich, and also countless babies born in Montana.


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