The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘band’

An Opening Act

Next on the stage is Mayhem and Eggs. You may have seen these guys at the local mall, one of them works in a children’s shoe store, and another one likes to go into the store prowling for single mothers.

Wait, I just had word from offstage, none of them have jobs. They just go to the mall to look for single mothers.

In addition to some of their hits – Jeans Shorts Lead to Mistakes? No, Jeans Shorts are Mistakes, and Canadi-Ann Curry, the Nicest Curry – they will be telling knock knock jokes, looking for a neighbors lost cat (Captain Sprinkles? Are you here??), and selling knives door to door.

To preempt the questions that will come up, yes, they have been informed they need to wear pants. No, we did not specify where they should wear those pants. Yes, we realize we set ourselves up for something stupid there … but we just love surprises!

Update from backstage, they are attracted to single mothers for two different reasons – 1, if they are mothers of very young children they are used to bad smells and have, and I quote, looser attitudes when it comes to using toilets on time, and 2, they are female and that’s what these guys are into.

Some of the other songs they’ll be singing include I Take My Tea with Soy Sauce and Dear God What Did I Just Drink. Though you may think those songs are related, they are not. But they are both secretly homages to the collective works of Louis L’Amour.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mayhem and Eggs!


Louis L’Amour, inspiration for Mayhem and Eggs the band, and Mayhem and Eggs the breakfast sandwich, and also countless babies born in Montana.


Mom, Dad … I’m a Keyboardist

Son: Guess what! I’m in a band!
Dad: Good for you!
Mom: My cool son!
Dad: So what kind of music is it?
Son: It’s a world beat kind of thing with a lot of South American music … I play the keyboard and –
Mom: Honey …
Son: Yeah?
Mom: Dear … It’s ok, we’ve known since you were young. Frankly we were wondering when you’d tell us. You didn’t have to invent this keyboardist story.
Son: What?
Dad: Yes, we love you! We’re more progressive than you give us credit for.
Son: What are you guys talking about!?
Dad: Well … That you’re gay …
Son: WHAT!?
Mom: Isn’t keyboardist code for gay?
Son: No! I’m a keyboardist in a band – if anything women will be throwing themselves at me!
Mom: Yeah, for fashion advice.
Son: Oh shut UP!
Dad: Son!!! You DO NOT tell your mother to shut up!
Son: I’m sorry, that was really … It’s just, seriously, I’m not gay and this is very upsetting …
Dad: Oh wait – I just realized – on the shows with gay people they tell women to shut up, and much worse, and they just laugh … I guess that’s part of the deal with being gay.
Mom: Oh honey, you want to take me shopping?
Son: This is awful. I am so angry at you guys. I’m going to hang out with my band.
Mom: Ok sweety, have fun with your “band”! Maybe we can meet him some day?
Son: Aggfhhhhhh!!!

Johnny and the Racist Undertones

Hello, Fortune and Fame. That’s right, folks, I’ve found the ticket to fortune and fame. My writing will find its way to the light of day because everyone won’t be able to get enough of one of the many singers in ‘Johnny and the Racist Undetones’ – the nation’s hottest band.

Over Christmas I got together with a few cousins to go to a bar for trivia night. A few brains in the group were missing, but we still managed to tie for last! (Due to the brilliant thinking of my cousin Lockout, who suggested that we not bet all but one of our points on the last round … we bet all but TWO … then everyone gets the final question wrong and we’re sitting pretty with two points and first place, while all those other dopes are tied for last place with one point! Unfortunately another team had the same idea, and everyone else actually answered the final round correctly. Hence, tied for last place with a grand total of two points.)

Anywho …

The cousins who WERE there stumbled on the next big band. That’s right, you’ve already heard of us, Johnny and the Racist Undertones.

You see, we would drink a little bit, then take a long, hard look (about a minute) at the lyrics of a popular song … and then cover this song.

Opening verse? Solid.

Chorus? Belting it out!

Second verse on out … A mix of the actual words plus some improvised mumbling/rhyming words/gibberish.

Unfortunately, none of us are really experts at musical instruments, so we’ll have a whole lot of vocalists. Also, as far as I know, none of us are really all that stellar when it comes to singing.

Lockout’s second brilliant idea was to supply the racist undertones. During songs, he would “sing backup.” His backup would take the form of whispering racist things.

Who could resist the charm of Johnny and the Racist Undertones? I’ll tell you who – no one.

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