March Madness is back and with it, a trip to your local psychologist. What is it about March that makes us all mad? The grief over the anniversary of Caesar’s stabbing? The guesses but lack of absolute certainty on how to say ‘et tu, Brute?’ The knowledge that baseball players are back to exhibiting ALL OUT EFFORT for up to 10 seconds at a time? Or the basketball? Will the Clippers have it this year, or are they just a haircut waiting to happen? How about those Phoenix Suns, or maybe I should ask about the Phoenix Daughters? Is the haughty, disdainful, or supercilious Lebron James going to take another title? Don’t get that joke, neither did your thesaurus – LAST NIGHT.
Don’t like that joke?, perhaps you should apply some Des Moines Ointments to it.
I’m getting way off track, and I say that knowing that I started writing this post with the intent to not make sense.
The Des Moines Ointments, of Des Moines, Iowa, are one of three expansion teams I am currently in the process of lobbying for. This team would be owned by an acne cream. At some point someone is going to want to nickname these guys the ‘cream team’ either when they’re getting crushed or crushing others regularly, I think that’s fine.
Another team I am lobbying for is the Greater Des Moines area Topical Creams. I know what you’re thinking, going from 0 teams in Des Moines to two? And both of them seem to be sponsored by drug companies? And yes, I hear your concerns, I validate them, I don’t dispute them, it really is a terrible idea.
The last team, and this one is the one I’m most passionate about, is the Eugene Suspenders. If I picture a fictional person named Eugene, that person is wearing glasses, he’s not wearing suspenders, but if you asked him he’d gladly wear a pair. This team will be on Eugene, Oregon, and there a ton of marketing possibilities for this team. Eugene Mirman would be the mascot, he’d only have to show up to one game every two years but we’d hope he’d come around more often. He wouldn’t do anything too traditionally mascot-like, he’d just sort of walk around and talk about popcorn. Or not, it’s up to Eugene. But the Suspenders would have fantastic fans, great players, and an overall apathy toward the hot topic issue of ‘is Mr. Gern gross?’ (HOT TAKE: totally gross.)
P.S. Sometimes I make jokes that make no sense, and sometimes I reference obscure things. And sometimes I make jokes that are just bad, I barely like them and I question why I’m saying them as I’m saying them. I say this because you may have read this post and thought, ‘am I missing something?’ … no, you’re not, it mostly makes 0 sense. But hey, sometimes that’s what I like.