The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘basketball’

March Madness

March Madness is back and with it, a trip to your local psychologist. What is it about March that makes us all mad? The grief over the anniversary of Caesar’s stabbing? The guesses but lack of absolute certainty on how to say ‘et tu, Brute?’ The knowledge that baseball players are back to exhibiting ALL OUT EFFORT for up to 10 seconds at a time? Or the basketball? Will the Clippers have it this year, or are they just a haircut waiting to happen? How about those Phoenix Suns, or maybe I should ask about the Phoenix Daughters? Is the haughty, disdainful, or supercilious Lebron James going to take another title? Don’t get that joke, neither did your thesaurus – LAST NIGHT.

Don’t like that joke?, perhaps you should apply some Des Moines Ointments to it.

I’m getting way off track, and I say that knowing that I started writing this post with the intent to not make sense.

The Des Moines Ointments, of Des Moines, Iowa, are one of three expansion teams I am currently in the process of lobbying for. This team would be owned by an acne cream. At some point someone is going to want to nickname these guys the ‘cream team’ either when they’re getting crushed or crushing others regularly, I think that’s fine.

Another team I am lobbying for is the Greater Des Moines area Topical Creams. I know what you’re thinking, going from 0 teams in Des Moines to two? And both of them seem to be sponsored by drug companies? And yes, I hear your concerns, I validate them, I don’t dispute them, it really is a terrible idea.

Moving on.

The last team, and this one is the one I’m most passionate about, is the Eugene Suspenders. If I picture a fictional person named Eugene, that person is wearing glasses, he’s not wearing suspenders, but if you asked him he’d gladly wear a pair. This team will be on Eugene, Oregon, and there a ton of marketing possibilities for this team. Eugene Mirman would be the mascot, he’d only have to show up to one game every two years but we’d hope he’d come around more often. He wouldn’t do anything too traditionally mascot-like, he’d just sort of walk around and talk about popcorn. Or not, it’s up to Eugene. But the Suspenders would have fantastic fans, great players, and an overall apathy toward the hot topic issue of ‘is Mr. Gern gross?’ (HOT TAKE: totally gross.)

The End

P.S. Sometimes I make jokes that make no sense, and sometimes I reference obscure things. And sometimes I make jokes that are just bad, I barely like them and I question why I’m saying them as I’m saying them. I say this because you may have read this post and thought, ‘am I missing something?’ … no, you’re not, it mostly makes 0 sense. But hey, sometimes that’s what I like.


P.S. GO SMU! (And Arizona.)

Spurred to Write

It’s Friday night and I’m watching the Spurs, professional athletics most boring team. I have shared with you, dear readers, the letter Gregg Popovich, the Spurs coach, and a man otherwise known as Pop, writes to each new player on the Spurs, AND things in the world as boring as the Spurs.

But what I haven’t shared with you is what happens at halftime of every game the Spurs play.

Well, first, you should know that when you attend a Spurs game you are encouraged to dress comfortably. I’m not talking jeans and a t-shirt, I’m talking pajamas. The Spurs organization, like any NBA organization, encourages the fans to get loud, stand up, clap, cheer, yell, shout … But unlike other NBA organizations, the Spurs have a second reason for this noise from their fans.

They want them pooped out.

That way, when it’s halftime, and the lights dim, the “pump up the crowd” music changes to artists like Keane, Nick Drake and Charlene Soraia and the concessions stands switch to selling warm milk and one cookie … ok, fine you can have two. But only because you asked nicely!

If you are wealthy there’s an added halftime treat – Tim Duncan brings around a teddy bear for all courtside ticket holders. What’s more, he actually made the teddy bears himself.

When the Spurs and their opponent come out to begin the second half, you’ll notice a much quieter game with the following features:

  • Instead of blowing whistles, the refs will state firmly but quietly, “Guys …”
  • The athletes will just be wearing socks, which means no more of that loud basketball court-sneaker screeching noise
  • If the game goes to overtime, blankets will be brought out for the fans to snuggle up for the long haul

The second half is starting now, so I’d better pay attention to the game. Remember, there are only 437 more NBA games until the finals begins.

In addition to their other efforts, Spurs teammates stick to air high fives to reduce the volume.

Last Minute Halloween Costumes

Oh no, Halloween is two days away and you’ve got nothing (or if you’re in college you have your fourth Halloween party coming up on Thursday – ugh I’m so sick of Halloween by now you guys, seriously another party?, fine whatever – and you can’t wear something you’ve already worn).

Fret not, I am here to help you.

First off, feel free to check out a past guide (which obviously became internet sensation):


Now for this year’s guide:

Last Minute Halloween Costumes

  • Be a Dick Tracy villain (one that I made up just now): Waffle Maker

    Other classic Dick Tracy villains (see, my idea is not so far fetched huh?)

    • His line whenever he offs someone he was paid to “quiet”?
      • “Prepare to meet your Maker …”
    • He then leaves behind a Waffle.
    • What should you wear?
      • Try something dressy and nice (so you look good), and carry around a waffle maker.
    • Want to go the extra mile?
      • Bring a waffle or two to whatever party you’re going to.


  • Be Venice Beach for Halloween!
    • Talk with a bad Italian accent
    • Be incredibly rude to everyone
    • Get it? Venice Beach.


  • Be a white basketball player!
    • Get one of those “Fun Dip” candy things
    • Whenever someone asks you what you are take the Fun Dip stick and try but continuously fail to get the stick in the sugar packet
    • It’s fairly obvious at this point that you “can’t dunk” so they should be able to connect the dots
    • Want to go the extra mile?
      • Wear workout clothes and carry a basketball (for anyone who isn’t so quick on the uptake like you and I)


  • Be a social grave digger!
    • Wear dark clothes
    • Carry a shovel
    • Say really awful or awkward or insulting things to people and then try to talk your way out of it unsuccessfully
    • Note: This costume may come more naturally for some people
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