The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Having owned my own house for about a year now I can tell you with confidence that I don’t know what I’m doing.

At any moment a pipe could burst, the dryer could leak acid, the backyard could explode into flames, and I’d think to myself, ‘ah, well, I guess that’s normal.’

One key thing is to seem relaxed and confident while dealing with the issue. Put on your least attractive jeans, an old t-shirt with pit stains that somehow reach down to your navel, and a tool belt (if you don’t have one, an ice cream bar is equally good). Then call in someone who knows what they’re doing and offer advice over their shoulder while you pay them gobs of money per hour.

  • “Ah, there’s the problem, my rotator belt is shot,” you might say while the person looks at your breaker box.
  • “Oh ho, looks like Christmas came twice this year!” you could mutter while the person explains that your air ducts are so full of hair there is essentially a dead Chewbacca in your vents.
  • Maybe you prefer nonverbal communication? Try picking your nose and laughing maniacally while the person explains that putting your Nest thermostat in the microwave is not a cheaper way to heat up the house.
  • Try a joke to lighten the mood, “my refrigerator isn’t running, but it has started daily walks to lose some weight,” and then nod in complete agreement as the fire deputy explains why indoor bonfires are bad ideas.

As always, we here at DumbFunnery are just offering our opinion and do not necessarily even bathe more than once a week. Got to go now, the cat is dying for a staring contest.

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