The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

The Baby’s Room

Deciding how to decorate your child’s bedroom is an important step in raising a child. It can really set a tone for how you want your child to turn out, what kind of relationship you’d like to have with that child, and most importantly, it will determine how many likes you get on various social media platforms.

Let’s say you’re a doctor, and you have terrible bedside manner, would you like your child to be cold and calculating like you? Why not all white? It’s simple, elegant (ish) and it says, ‘happiness? NOT IN MY HOUSE.’

What if you want your kid to be more likely than the average child to turn into a serial killer? Try the Tory Burch exclusive color, ‘painstakingly pink.’ But here’s the thing, while most parents are decorating the nursery, you should decorate yourself in this color as much as possible.

Now, it may be clear to you at this point that I know a lot, and furthermore, that I’m worth listening to. Yep, I agree.

How about a kiddo that you have no particular aspirations for? Try a beautifully painted, furnished, and decorated room … with this secret: a few very small and subtle clowns painted in random places. Consider that kid a shoe-in for least likely to succeed.

As always, we at DumbFunnery care deeply about our readers, and if anyone has any child-rearing or future child-rearing questions, we don’t have the answers, but we do have a very detailed and unsettling set of follow-up questions. Hit us up @DumbFunnery or with an email to DumbFunnery@gmail.com. Or, just look behind you. I’m right there. I’ve been there the whole time.

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