The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Shalom to Christmas

I submitted this poem for a contest with the Arizona Republic. The winning story (they said story, I and a few others said forget your story – we’re doing poems) was printed in today’s paper. I didn’t think my poem was all that good, but I couldn’t think of something I really liked. But maybe you’ll enjoy it more than I do.

Also, this is just so funny/cool to me. The neighbor was having yard work done. The guy doing the yard work? The Mayor of a nearby town, Eloy. How cool small-town kind of thing is that?! Seriously, he does the yard work alongside a few other guys … not some chump raking in the dough and managing. Anyway, Merry Christmas Folks!


Shalom to Christmas!

Christmas is tomorrow, which is very exciting
The good company, good food, good will and over-the-top (his electric
bill must be insane) good lighting.

But let’s not forget our Jewish friends, who just celebrated Hanukah –
Did you know it’s pronounced the same, but also spelled Chanukah?

And so, in the spirit of Christmas (you can define that as you will)
I’m writing this to teach you some Yiddish (I’m sure this is a joy for
you, a thrill).

Why do I think I’m the one to inform ya?
Well, it’s my moxy, my guts, my chutzpah!

Before you groan and roll your eyes and say,
“Who is this guy? I mean really, oy vey!”

Let me say I know a bisl about this
Which is a little, so it’s nothing to dismiss.

If you don’t own a Torah, then gather round, goyim
And read this (slant-rhyming at times) educational poyim.

This poem is somewhat long, so grab a little snack,
You can nosh on that food while this educational poem you attack.

(And I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll say it in parenthesis,
But you need to speak up for your dear bubbe, let grandma hear this with ease.)

Is your uncle telling that same story? What a meshugener.
He’s crazy!, he’s loony!, he’s nuts!, he’s, oh no, sitting by you for dinner.

Look at that loot under the tree, tomorrow it’ll fill you with pep
That is, until you travel home, when it’ll become just stuff for you to shlep

You can smell that honey-glazed ham, I think it’s about done –
Which is kosher for you, but not for everyone.

Just make sure whoever takes it out of the oven isn’t a shlemiel
They’d probably drop it, and then there goes the meal.

Oh, that’s cute – someone take a picture of grandpa with the grandkids
by the tree,
Yes, fine, I’m getting emotional, at Christmas I’m allowed to be shmaltzy.

Merry Christmas to you, and yours, and Mazel Tov in the New Year
You’ll need the luck to keep those resolutions (you’ll lose how much
weight?, get real).

Take in the scene around you, you’ll soon miss this
Let me say shalom to you and yours, and even shalom to Christmas.

(It’s a good thing this poem is done, the kids are all kvetching –
Which is a universal thing, yes you got it, they’re complaining.)

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (12/13/09)

12/13/09

My little work space is shared with a guy who has two (I think) little kids. And so I thought of the phrase “a parents work is never ending.” Which naturally led to this poem. Any time I can do a joke about “Mom – you don’t get me, I’m going to the mall” I’m happy. Hope you enjoy it.

A Child’s Work

A child’s work is never ending
Because rules aren’t good unless they’re bending
And threats aren’t worthwhile unless they’re rescinding

Oh yes, I know, I’ve heard it’s tough to be a parent
And with all your effort at the end of the day you’re just so spent
But give credit to those heaven-sent-demon-children who are so malcontent

Do you think it’s easy to make you worry 24/7?
NO!, You have to hate bike helmets, and cross-walks, and love late night trips to the 7-11,
While wearing that black t-shirt and those expensive jeans (you’re for all mankind, but not their wallets, right seven?).

Do you think it’s easy to roll eyes so much?
NO!, It takes hard work and planning and just the right touch,
And deliberately mentioning so and so and then getting angry when you bring up such and such.

Do you think it’s easy to spend that much time at the mall food court being moody?
NO!, Moody is very tiring and exhausting but it’s in this season, you see?
And when Becky told Lisa that Jimmy said hey to Claire it’s just – GOD you don’t GET ME!

Do you think it’s easy coming in four nights a week right after curfew?
NO!, You’ve said the curfew so many, many times forgetting it is hard to do
And then having to remember to say sorry sorry, and it’s nothing really but pretending to give much ado.

Do you think it’s easy asking one more time why that can’t be done (especially since kevin’s parents are cool and he’s going)?
NO!, Are you kidding? You’re kidding, right? You’re kidding. Why can’t you just – you’ve got to be kidding!
It’s very difficult to understand why you don’t get that the house party will have no alcohol/danger/that one friend/older kids/any kind of smoking.

Yes, a parent’s work is never ending
And your rules come from on high and your words of wisdom are so wise and your threats aren’t idle thumb spinning
But that’s only because a child’s work is ALSO never ending (and we’re much less forgiving).

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De Jour of the Week (12/6/09)

12/06/09

Something where I’m not trying to be funny – weird (well, except one joke). Just so you know, I don’t consider myself a good Christian – but my chief beliefs as a ‘wish-I-was-better-Christian-slash-person-in-general’ are: 1) we’re all dumb; 2) try to be nice to everyone.

I’m Super, Thanks for Asking

There once was a man who was gay and Christian.
His ‘lifestyle’ made him worry of arousing suspicion.

Every day he was gay he was worried that was a sin
But he didn’t look without, instead he looked within

“Yes, I’m told that it’s wrong to think and be this way.
“But I’m nice, and I try to help people, and enrich others every day.

“And I volunteer with that group of single mothers from church.
“And when the pastor admitted he was addicted to porn I said he’s human, let’s not besmirch.

“And I go on group-church trips to help addicts back from the verge.
“And I talk to teens about love before lust, real feelings aren’t an urge.

“Sometimes I go with the church to the bad part of town to help the homeless (and they often take our help for granted).
“And I welcome back old members who’d been gone for a while, or folks from other churches supplanted.

“I’m not an expert on the Bible, so I don’t want to cherry pick lines
“But it seems we’re embracing the ’sinners’ without reserve, without motive, without fines.

“So why is it that so many feel what I’m doing is so wrong?
“When they’re so ready to help others but when it comes to ‘my sin’ they’re stringing us along?”

Christianity isn’t a hobby if it’s done right
It’s a trial (that’s impossible) to love all people all day and all night

Heavy drinking, out-of-wedlock, addicted, lying, idol-worshiping, money-seeking, gossiping, judging, and gay
Are the sinners you should love in your congregation today.

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