The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Christmas’

$5 Christmas Gifts

My brother, sister, and I have kids. Buying gifts for kids plus siblings plus sibling-in-laws … it adds up with time, effort, and money.

This year we decided on a new approach. We would buy real gifts for the kids, and then for each other … $5 gems. The goal was to buy the worst possible gift for $5.

Here are my contestants.

Attn: Ellen (12/19/18)




Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This year I’ve secretly been telling people ‘Mary Christmas’ because this girl I know, named Mary, likes bringing home-baked cookies to work so I hope that … aw crap, just remembered her name is actually Joan.

OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


Christmas Gift Ideas

With Christmas right around the corner (what?), it’s time for DumbFunnery’s annual Christmas List!


Your family has grown to be quite large. And with all those people you are related to running around holiday shopping has gone from joy to absolute dreaded chore.

To help curtail this growing exchanging gift receipts attached to stuff problem, DumbFunnery is here to help. These gift ideas will help spark a casual conversation that will start with, ‘so … do you guys just wanna … not do gifts this year?’

1 – A bag of mayonnaise with a note that says, ‘you break it, you buy it!’

2 – An IOU for a special lesson on how to give the BEST hugs, lessons provided by Uncle Jean

man in santa claus costume

Photo by bruce mars on

3 – Find someone’s spoken word poetry online, replace any references you or the gift recipient wouldn’t get with references to Clifford the Big Red Dog and get that printed on a tote bag

4 – Make a feedbag out of duct tape with a sign on the front in a different-colored duct tape that says ‘FEED ME.’ Then maybe in the card that goes with the gift a not-so-veiled comment about working out.

5 – A collection of proud mom of stickers from different elementary schools, colleges, and sports teams if they make such things. And then, to go the extra mile, go ahead and pop those on their car, too.

There you have it, a Christmas free of stress is in your future.

Of course, you could always just buy people stuff you’d think they’d like and not worry so much … but there’s always Uncle Jean and what on earth do you get Uncle Jean?

The Story of Mr. Quackers

Before my wife and I moved from Houston to Colorado we were out with her folks one day. They had offered to buy us a dining room table, and we said, ‘yeah, ok.’ We probably said that more graciously, but who knows.

While at a furniture store I quickly took to wandering because … it was a furniture store.

I noticed none other than Mr. Quackers. A nice, wooden duck with clogs. How odd. I picked him up and did an old Bugs Bunny cartoon dance routine, having him dance around while I provided the music.

IMG_20171205_072041493~2My wife’s mom noticed this.

Fast forward … some amount of time. Weeks? A month plus? It’s Christmas Day! Huzzah!

It’s my wife’s family’s year and we are opening gifts. I’m slowly unwrapping this large gift, curious what it could be in such a large box, and whale … it’s … a duck? With shoes? What an odd, odd thing to get somebody. My wife’s mom has gone batty.

‘Hey … thanks!’

What on earth? I mean, I know her family recognizes that I’m a weirdo but what a truly strange shot in the dark for a gift.

You see, I had no memory of having Mr. Quackers get up and dance because I do dumb things every where I go, every day. If I had to remember all of the dumb things I do, my brain would be a complete waste of space.

To me, the fact that I opened up a (to me, at the moment) totally random duck with shoes for Christmas is very funny to me, and it makes me appreciate Mr. Quackers and my wife’s folks all the more.

Attn: Ellen (12/27/17)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s the conundrum. I would say Merry Christmas to you, but … Donald Trump. He’s got his whole ‘Christmas is under attack’ thing going and I detest that man. Plus, I have a natural ‘you don’t tell me what to do!’ side to me.

All that to say … Happy Christmas! (I went British. Take that.)

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Merry Christmas!!

My wife suggested we make each other sweaters to wear on Christmas day. We settled for long sleeves from Hobby Lobby.

Her sweater for me comes with instructions. When people say ‘great sweater!’ I am supposed to say ‘dino!’ … Like ‘I know!’ … But ‘dino.’

My sweater for her … Haven’t you heard of the famous Christmas sheep?

From our little weird family to yours, Merry Christmas!!

Christmas Shopping Help

Christmas is fast approaching and you’ve got some of your shopping done but you’re still missing gifts for a few people. And wouldn’t you know it, they’re the people who are the most difficult to buy for.

Don’t worry. We here at DumbFunnery have scoured the internet, obtained access to your emails, stalked your social media posts and know an alarming amount about you and your family. Not as much as Google knows about you, or Facebook, but still an unsettling amount.

Your Dad
Membership to the ‘Show Us You’re Nuts’ club which sends various nuts and inappropriate jokes every month

Your Mom
A punching bag, trust us, she needs this

Your Neighbor Who Did You That Big Favor and You’re Like, Do We Get Them Something?
A framed photo of you in a crop top

Your Brother-in-Law
A couple thousand dollars would save him from a broken leg, otherwise some good magazines to read in the hospital

Your Great Uncle Smimby
Monogrammed hand towels, and the nice thing is he’s not terribly concerned about if they are his initials or not

There you go, friends. Merry Christmas from us here at DumbFunnery.

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