The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

German Language Committee Meeting

Person 1: Hello, welcome, we will now begin the German Language Committee Meeting.

Person 2: Suggest removal of the chairperson, who wasted time stating the obvious.

Rest of Committee, in unison: Agreed.

Person 1: Respectfully, I agree. I will run this meeting and henceforth not show up. Today’s first word is bagel, which is currently ‘bagel’ in the German language. We want to make this ‘more German.’ Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Person 1: Please announce your ideas.

Rest of Committee, in unison: Brotmitlochinmitte! (Which translates literally to, ‘bread with hole in middle.’)

Person 1: Adopted. The next word is cat, which is currently ‘katze’ in German. This has been deemed ‘too weak.’ Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Person 1: Please announce your ideas.

administration architecture berlin building

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Committee Member A: My word is kleinerschwacherhund. (Which translates literally to, ‘small weak dog.’)

Committee Member B: My word is einsamepersonhaustier. (Which translates literally to, ‘lonely person pet.’)

Committee Member C: My word is andereshaushaustier. (Which translates literally to, ‘other house pet.’)

Person 1: I propose hundaberohnearbeitoderzuneigung. (Which translates literally to, ‘dog but without the work or affection.)

Person 2: This will be tabled as there is not currently a logical solution.

Person 1: The final word for today’s meeting is one that we have been asked to make less German. The word is ‘Rechtsschutzversicherungsgesellschaften’ and it means insurance companies providing legal protection. Please write down your ideas.

(Committee members write furiously.)

Rest of Committee, in unison: Bedeckedeinenarsch! (Which translates literally to, ‘cover your ass.’)

Person 1: The meeting has concluded.

Source … sorta …

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Note to Self: Be Rational

I’m writing this the day after the Army-Navy game, which is the game that causes me the most tension every year (maybe if one of my NFL teams made it to the Super Bowl I might feel the same … but I doubt it).

My dad went to West Point, so Army-Navy has been a feature of my life, and while Army is now on a 3 game win streak (WHOOO!) Navy had ripped off 14 in a row, winning from 2002 – 2015. That’s a fair chunk of time, and so, so many of those were absolute heartbreakers (as is the case for Navy now). It seems no matter how good one team does in the season, the other team will be right there with them for this game.

On the morning of the Army-Navy game I took a shower and while I was in the shower I began thinking about what I should wear that day. Should I wear my Army shirt? Wait. Did I wear it last year? What did I wear last year? Should I repeat that outfit?

I kept having to repeat myself that my actions have no bearing on the game. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.

But, perhaps not dressing a particular way for the game is what helped Army win so …

P.S. The obligatory and happily said – GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!

repeat

It’s a Trap!

You remember Star Wars? You’ve probably heard of it at some point.

Anyway there was this one Star Wars movie where this guy, we’ll call him Admiral Ackbar, is taking part in an

photo of blue and yellow lighted dome tent surrounded by plants during night time

You’d think I’d be ashamed by this kind of post by now but … nope.

attack on the Empire. It’s a big deal attack, right? Like, tons of rebel guys all gathered up together and said ‘let’s do this’ and so it’s not just some little skirmish.

Anyway Ackbar is on this ship and he has a famous line where he’s in a swivel chair and he swivels around and you see his big, crazy eyes and he yells out ‘It’s a TRAP!’

Big scene. BIG. Scene.

Return of the Jedi was released in 1983, and some companies had managed to get tipped off to some of the plot points in the movie. They were approaching George Lucas left and right, trying to get commercial tie-ins to get in on the burgeoning Star Wars cash cow.

One of the companies that did manage to get through was an outdoor equipment company. They were supposedly THE favorite flannel shirt maker that George Lucas liked. George, loving the idea of some custom flannel shirts from them, created a series of commercials. They did not end up making it to air because the cost was too high … But I can tell you the contents of one of them.

A family is out in the woods, they’ve got two tents set up, a well-built fireplace, a couple of chairs set up, and everyone looks so cozy and happy. Just then, a few rain drops fall. The kids begin to whine about getting wet, the mom worries aloud about cooking dinner without a fire, and the dad looks to the camera and thinks outloud, ‘is there anything we could use to help make the rain less damaging to our camping trip?’

Suddenly Ackbar HIMSELF appears! He descends into the campground on a floating swivel chair and shouts out, ‘It’s a TARP!’

Ask DumbFunnery – Celebrity Gossip!

Who’s hot to trot, and who’s not!? Find out in this December Issue of Dishing Over Dishes! Today, I’m joined by a simpleton. We’ll find out what he knows about celebrities!

Q: What makes Kelly Ripa so down to earth?
A: She is very short. Something like 3, or 4, or maybe 5 feet tall. Certainly not 6. Likely in the 3-5 range. Even if she jumps she is still really close to the ground. It’s funny when you think about it.
Q: Will The Rock look like a frightening old creature when he’s super old and still weirdly muscular?

rear view of man sitting on rock by sea

Seen here, some guy staring at The Rock.

A: Rocks don’t age, they just fade from the wind.
Q: Could Wilbur Ross make a comeback?
A: Wilbur Ross? The jelly guy from the Today Show?* Sure, as long as jelly’s cool, he’ll be cool.

 

*Editor’s note. Wilbur Ross is the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, and looks like a sour grape. Willard Scott is the jelly guy, and he should consider making Secretary Ross into jelly (though it would likely taste gross).

 

Q: What do you think about Rachel Ray?
A: The amount of disrespect I have for that woman could fill a book. Well, a novella. Or a pamphlet. How tangential am I allowed to get?

 

P.S. In the beginning of this I mentioned I was joined by a simpleton. Bonus news flash, I’M the simpleton! It’s just me here! No one is around me! Happy holidays.

Superman Socks

Recently I bought a 2-pack of socks which feature the Superman logo on them. I was excited because they were clearance socks, and Superman. A double win, clearly.

When I got home I noticed that the socks each said something. One pair says ‘Strong’ and the other pair says ‘Stronger.’

This was a lot to take in.

What does this mean? Are all of my days relative to one another? Are my only options Strong or Stronger? Did Superman not have days where, sure, it’s sunny outside, but hey man, it’s a rainy day on the inside. I bet he did. Where is my Superman logo socks that say ‘Melancholy’ and ‘Melancholy-er’ (for those extra melancholy days).

Should I mix and match the socks? Forever demoting my left foot to just be Strong? (Let’s face it left, you are the weaker foot).

IMG_20181120_181100608Maybe I should only plan on wearing one pair of socks but bringing the other pair with me. That way if the day starts off and I’m feeling great I’ll leave wearing ‘Stronger’ but then I’ve had lunch, slowed down, and now I am feeling a mere ‘Strong’ ranking so I change. Then when I get home my wife will know, ‘oh no, he’s self-demoted.’

What would other super hero socks say? For Batman it could be ‘Conniving’ and ‘Connivingest.’ The Flash ought to be something like ‘Fast’ and ‘Sassy’ just to keep you guessing. I’d wear those in a heartbeat.

Target should’ve warned me about this purchase.

Hey man, just a heads up, those socks are going to raise a lot more questions than they’re going to provide answers.

I’ve got to go, a guy just walked by me wearing Superman socks that say ‘Strongest’ and as I’m wearing ‘Stronger’ today I’m pretty sure we need to fight to the death. Let’s go Bizarro. (Or am I the Bizarro?!)

Wish me luck.

The Look He Craved

Joe was a practical man. When there was a potential problem he took practical steps to mitigate that problem. In 1999, when Y2K talk was rampant Joe bought a large number of foodstuffs to store away as a precautionary measure.

Now, in 2018, some of the foods were just a year away from hitting their expiration time.

Joe, practical as ever, decided to make a meal out of some of those to-be-expired foods and the meal almost made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness. The food had not held up very well.

But, Joe thought, I can’t just let this food go to waste. That would be … wasteful. (Practical even in his word choices.)

Joe had been working for 32 years and approached work from a … you guessed it … practical perspective. Yes, some of his co-workers occasionally made him want to commit acts of horrible unpleasantness but you just grit your teeth and go on.

Perhaps, maybe, on occasion, Joe did little things to get back at his loathsome coworkers to level out his emotional state. Nothing extreme, just enough to balance the scorecard. For example, Joan prints every email she gets even though that’s dumb. Joe, Mr. Practical, got Joan fired by sabotaging the data she reported on to make her appear inept.

Ahhh. Wait. Joe. You did what?

Looking at this large stockpile of to-be-expired foods Joe crafted a plan.

No, seriously. You got her fired? That’s …

Joe began to make delicious looking dishes using this food and would bring them to the office on occasion. Never frequently, because people might start to leearn to avoid the snacks left out in the breakroom.

Joe. Dude.

But piece by piece, can by can, Joe got rid of his Y2K supply. And oh, that sweet reward. That look of bitter betrayel as someone would bite into what appeared to be a delicious snack …

Joe, seriously. I don’t want to be your narrator anymore. You’re not right, man.

Joe, ever practical, had already set his sights on what would come next for him. He knew he needed to continue to dish up revenge for those he felt did not live by a good set of rules. He was running to be HOA president. Joe knew he could continue to get that look of betrayel, acting as a dedicated member of the HOA.

Fin.

Guess who recently had a piece of very old Halloween candy when someone brought in a bag of leftovers? And guess who recently was annoyed by their HOA?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Blogger,
DumbFunnery

marketing man person communication

Some can of mystery meat making this man go insane, no doubt. Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

 

 

Biomimicry

‘Imagine trying to design spring.’

A field that I find absolutely fascinating is biomimicry. I would love to have a job where I just got to learn about really smart people coming up with ways to use biomimicry, and then I just got to go around bragging about how cool it is. Wouldn’t that be a great job?

Biomimicry is imitating, or studying and attempting to replicate nature’s solutions to problems that we also face. Effective and efficient speed. Incredibly tough yet flexible ways of moving heavy items. So, so many problems nature has already solved in a brilliant way because had they not solved those, those animals or insects would be dead.

This is a lazy post, I’m just going to point to intelligent things others have written about this field … but I also wanted to highlight the field in case you’d never heard of it. Because it is super cool!

For example, here’s a TED Talk (an old one).

Here’s the place that TED Talk person is associated with.

And here is an article citing some specific examples.

It’s super cool stuff! It is neat engineering, science, and respect of the amazing world that we get to occupy.

elephant cub kenya savanna

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