The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘banana’

Prison Test

Dear reader,

Are you going to federal penitentiary anytime soon? I’ve got a theory I’d love for you to try.

You hear on movies and TV shows that the way you establish dominance in prison is to go and find the biggest person on your first day and pick a fight with that person.

But listen to this.

My theory is instead if on your first day you get a banana and eat it, that’ll do it. But not just any typical eating a banana, you eat the WHOLE banana. Bite after casual, enjoying this banana like anyone would enjoy a banana except I’m also eating the peel, bite.

And maybe also laugh occasionally. Say ‘no!’ to the banana like it told you something outrageously funny or offensive, and then slip in one or two very coy and slightly sexual ‘maybe.’

Let me know if 1, you’re going to prison; 2, you try this; 3, how it works out.

Thanks in advance.

yellow bananas

Photo by Juan Salamanca on

Highlights from the 5k I Recently Ran

1 – Nearing the turn around point, this one super pretty girl. Yes, she alone counts as a highlight. I thought to myself, “ok, pick up the pace and catch her …” (She ran too fast for me right now.) After I hit the turn around point I realized, no dice on miss magically pretty. Wherever you are, fast-paced nice legs, I like your legs. And probably your face. (I wasn’t wearing my glasses, but I’m pretty sure she was hot?)

2 – With about 1 mile to go I passed a really tall black dude. He said, “get it brother.” Yeah, that’s what’s up. I guess you could say I’m good at ‘race’ relations … get it? Because he’s black, and we were racing? Oh, yes, that’s Frasier worthy.

3 – Ok. Here I’ll show some running prejudice. I don’t like it when people jog like a dummy with a fast car on a road full of stop lights. It bothers me to see someone run really fast, slow, slow, slow, walk, repeat.

I passed by a guy who was doing this, then he got into the fast mode and sprinted past me, about 30 seconds later I passed him again.

After the run ended I was hanging out by the finish line when I see him cross. “WHOOOOO!” he shouted excitedly, raising one arm to the sky. Then he leans over, puts his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath … and PUKES like a champ. I just stared (and continued to eat my banana). His parents corraled him and steered him away from standing right in the middle of the road, and then he puked some more.

4 – I established a new identity for myself. Helpful post-race banana guy.

a – Two girls working a tent for another run (one that benefits cancer research) walked up to the food tent. “Can we have some food?” One volunteer looks at the head volunteer who says, “No, it’s just for the runners.” Then he looks over at the other volunteers and says again, loudly, “the food is only for the runners!” A minute or so later I go up and grab two bananas. I walk over to the girls at the cancer run tent, put the banana on the table and say, “I smuggled you a banana.” Then I walk away. Seriously. I wasn’t even attracted to either of them and this is the phrase that came out of my mouth. Can you imagine the creepy/weird thing I would’ve said if I’d talked to the pretty girl? Frightening.

b – A girl is talking to her friend. “Do you know if they have food here? I really want a banana!” I say, “there’s bananas over there,” and point. She turns and laughs saying, “oh I guess you heard me!” then she kinda goes in for a hug? I give her a confused look and sort of back up. In my defense, she was really sweaty.

Impressive how many little micro-awkward moments there can be between 7 and 730 am on a Sunday surrounded by sweaty people, huh?

On a bragging personal note, I got 25th in the race!! Go go gadget gazelle legs!

This gets me halfway to accomplishing another one of the 80 or so items on my 2012 Bucket List! See the full list here.

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