The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

Hey Fig Newtons

Hey Fig Newtons … you still exist? I honestly don’t know, and I think it’s because you’re not nearly topical or EXTREME enough in your advertisements.

Let me help you out.

Ad 1

Air Donald Trump’s infamous Mexicans/rapists line

Fade to black

Air a modern day Nazi rally

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Racism is alive and well in America’

Fade to black

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘Try a Fig Newton!’

Ad 2

We see an armed child walking toward a school, an NRA spokesperson cheers wildly, suddenly an oversized Fig Newton falls from the sky and crushes both of them.

Fade to black

White text on black screen: ‘Problems?’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘JUST FIG NEWTON THEM!’

Ad 3

Show a starving polar bear, dying

Show the upward trend of global temperatures over the last few years

Show a puppy, just to confuse people

Then a shot of the most recent Houston flooding

White text on black screen: ‘Your grandkid’s grandkid’s are doomed’

Show a Fig Newton with friendly text underneath, ‘No one’s ever overdosed on Fig’

Fig-Newtons-Stacked.jpg

Source: Wikipedia (my old friend)

 

 

What’s in Their Beards?

Watching NHL playoff hockey, you see a few beards. And, occasionally they show a fella sitting on the bench licking his lips and perhaps … the old flavor saver?

That has NHL fans everywhere wondering …

WHAT’S! IN! THEIR! BEARDS!

Alexander Ovechkin – He actually has a Russian doll of beards, and is savoring the taste of a smaller beard (and I bet you’ll never guess what’s inside that tinier beard!)

LeBeard Grovtuskinovich – Famous half-French, half-Russian hockey player who once said after a game, ‘I dropped my ham.’ Sure enough, an 8 pound ham was found on the ice.

Joe Thornton 2016.jpg

 

Joe Thornton (retired) – David Sedaris, the author, actually lives in his beard and makes him delightful French pastries. It’s one of nature’s weirdest symbiotic relationships (Thornton provides Sedaris with whimsical thoughts).

Sidney Crosby – Play-Doh. Is he great at hockey? Undeniably. Does he desperately need a therapist? And then some.

P. K. Subban

 

 

P.K. Subban – No snacks here. No sir. Instead it’s a small index card with reminders of stuff white people like. Wait. Wait just a minute! Subban, you trickster! He also has an assortment of cheeses to help calm his white teammates when they get too riled.

April 2018 Daily Haiku

April 1 (Sunday)
April Fool’s … Easter
Talk about your low-hanging
Fruits of blaspheming

April 2 (Monday)
It’s cliche Monday
So keep your head in the game
You old so and so

April 3 (Tuesday)
First day of daycare
And dad’s just too tough to cry
(He says shakily)

April 4 (Wednesday)
Home with Mom today!
Catching up on important
Goochie goochie goooos!

April 5 (Thursday)
Day two of daycare
Calm today, I glance around
Yep, my kid’s cutest

April 6 (Friday)
Day for the records
Wife and I took turns yacking
And watching kiddo

April 7 (Saturday)
Ate a banana!
Kiddo is likely thinking
“Mom and dad are … off.”

April 8 (Sunday)
Stomach bug is gone!
Taking it’s place: a sore throat
(Looks to sky): “DAYCAAAAAAARE!”

April 9 (Monday)
If salmon were pals
Could never complain to them
They’d be like, “sounds … tough”

April 10 (Tuesday)
My mutating cold
First sore throat, then stuffed up nose
What next, dear thrill ride?!

April 11 (Wednesday)
With tax day soon here
Really makes you stop and think:
I wish I was rich

April 12 (Thursday)
Kid napped at daycare!
Hooray for not coming home
Utterly wiped out

April 13 (Friday)
Do some work, blow nose
Stifle cough, do some more work
Again! From the top!!

April 14 (Saturday)
Nostril pendulum
Swings from left nostril to right
Oh fickle breathing

April 15 (Sunday)
Sleep strategy talk
We have our new plan all in place!
And … Huh! … He slept great

April 16 (Monday)
Dearly beloved,
We gather to celebrate
Weekends. Gone … too soon.

April 17 (Tuesday)
Occasional stops
To appreciate the love
You have in your life

April 18 (Wednesday)
Tasty soup for lunch
And ‘how do we have nothing!?’
Brand soup for dinner

April 19 (Thursday)
Dear Cough That Won’t Die,
… Please die? Pretty please? … With hate,
My angry body

April 20 (Friday)
Texas friend in town
And Colorado showed off
By snowing tonight

April 21 (Saturday)
Kiddo wants to crawl
Anxiously gets to hands, knees
…promptly frustrated

April 22 (Sunday)
Mom, pal do sushi
Dad and son stay home to hone
Vital squawking skills

April 23 (Monday)
Caught in testing hell
The fix was easy and fast
But the test? Brutal.

April 24 (Tuesday)
“Friday already?!”
(Dangerous delusion games
Let’s watch! And judge him.)

April 25 (Wednesday)
Shows having writing drop
No longer good, just ‘zany’
… That’s the US now

April 26 (Thursday)
Watched Thor: Ragnarok
Can we have a movie of
Just Korg hanging out?

April 27 (Friday)
Wife and kid came by
Joined for walk with my work team
Team cuteness way up

April 28 (Saturday)
Hike with the kiddo!
Look at that bird! Those flowers!
Oh. I see. Nap town.

April 29 (Sunday)
Sick kiddo today
Hate his fever and sad self
Love the cuddles though

April 30 (Monday)
104 fever
Huge fan of having kid’s doc
Ten minutes away