The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘haiku’

July Haiku

July 1 (Saturday)
Cabin full of fam:
Eight bigs, seven kids, two dogs
Time since last pout: 1.

July 2 (Sunday)
Baby shower day!
With baby obstacle course
…I’ve got work to do

July 3 (Monday)
Item checked off list:
Infield home run … Off a bunt!
Whiffle ball stud, here.

July 4 (Tuesday)
Annnnnnd back on the road
It’s the lady’s turn to drive
The dog and I chill

July 5 (Wednesday)
Want to prevent war?
Watch enemies eat yogurt
It’s so disarming

July 6 (Thursday)
Clicked on an email
The sales pitch excited me
…it was for children

July 7 (Friday)
Wearing purple shorts
It’s cool … Til I’m in a stall
“There’s purple shorts guy”

July 8 (Saturday)
Neighborhood party
Summary: Neighbors are nuts
I’ll keep researching

July 9 (Sunday)
The weekend zoomed by
XBOX One must be lonely
Sorry old buddy

July 10 (Monday)
Shall I compare thee …
To a Phoenix Summer’s day?
Soul crushingly hot?

July 11 (Tuesday)
Reading baby book
Apparently, breast milk is
Made out of magic?

July 12 (Wednesday)
Staying late at work
Code won’t write itself you know
… Not yet … Or I’m hosed

July 13 (Thursday)
First stop: candy town
Next stop: seeing The Big Sick
Wife and I: thumbs up

July 14 (Friday)
Long, stressful work week
But in the end, a success
Weekend brain: ENGAGE

July 15 (Saturday)
Long hike this morning
Beautiful views, and, get this …
I saw a MARMOT!

July 16 (Sunday)
The great Sunday fight
Desire to be lazy
vs. wanting doughnuts

July 17 (Monday)
Bought Stardew Valley
XBOX graphics takes naps, and
I happily play

July 18 (Tuesday)
The yard needs mowing
*A wild raindrop appears!*
Weather? You’re allllllll right.

July 19 (Wednesday)
One month of code pain
Finally done with this piece
Sigh of relief … Check.

July 20 (Thursday)
Oh, hi healthy lunch
What’s that? You want alone time?
I’ll get junk food then!

July 21 (Friday)
Phone shopping online
…My iPhone 4’s cool?

July 22 (Saturday)
Hike to start the day
No one for miles around
That’s prime selfie time

July 23 (Sunday)
Sipping coffee and
Reading about breastfeeding
Typical Sunday

July 24 (Monday)
Costco shopping list:
Milk, chicken, and a cell phone
Just Costco things, right?

July 25 (Tuesday)
McCain fights cancer!
Also fights average person’s
Chance to fight cancer!

July 26 (Wednesday)
First ‘parenting’ test
Something scary, out of hands
I just sit and hope

July 27 (Thursday)
Appointment with wife
All the concern was for naught
Heart, unclench now, please

July 28 (Friday)
Fun pregnancy game:
She feels: ALL FEELINGS. I feel:
Confusion and fear

July 29 (Saturday)
Our little friends prepped
Next phase of baby room is:
Hot air balloon pals!

July 30 (Sunday)
Sleep in? Well, ok.
Accomplish practically zilch?
Sure, I can do that.

July 31 (Monday)
Oh, just freaking great
Time to toss my home-made tee
‘Mooch made in Heaven’

June Haiku

June 1 (Thursday)
Dog to the kennel
Her sad eyes as I depart

June 2 (Friday)
Wedding rehearsal
Fellas cracking wise while … what?
Missed an instruction

June 3 (Saturday)
Standing by my friend
Looking at people in love
Is one of life’s gifts

June 4 (Sunday)
Early flight today
My ‘poke the bear’ gene’s still sleep-
Wait, it’s awake now!!

June 5 (Monday)
Work self-assessment:
Or as I like to call it
Bragging with a cause

June 6 (Tuesday)
You’d think she’d been drugged
But no, this is just Jody
Being her best self

June 7 (Wednesday)
Bad bug found in code
Too wrapped up to glance at news
A glorious day

June 8 (Thursday)
Beautiful sunset
Makes you want to stop and just
Try to breathe it in

June 9 (Friday)
DJ Random Soundz
He’s a character I do
To annoy my wife

June 10 (Saturday)
One “day” I will read
“What” trump thinks using “quotes” means
He’s so dumb it hurts.

June 11 (Sunday)
Saw Wonder Woman
Overly hyped DC flick …
And yet – it was good!

June 12 (Monday)
What’s next for bball?
Three teams with just top players?
Plus tons of bad games!

June 13 (Tuesday)
Quick stress level test:
Do you laugh or get angry
At news anchors jokes?

June 14 (Wednesday)
In soccer, like life
Sometimes, step back to move up
Also, flailing’s cool

June 15 (Thursday)
Folks brought stuff from home:
Old shirts, PS games, yearbooks …
Ya know, basement stuff

June 16 (Friday)
Breakfast and brew tour
Then, naturally, a nap
Post nap: Rockies game

June 17 (Saturday)
Estes Park today
National park and some shops
Plus a gift from mom!

June 18 (Sunday)
Cruising around town
After a delicious lunch
I’m a good chauffeur

June 19 (Monday)
Work has been more tense
Lots of layoffs happening
It’s dark clouds and nerves

June 20 (Tuesday)
Candy for dinner?
No, no, no, I’m a grown up
Candy and some fruit

June 21 (Wednesday)
In a training class
Some folks are multitasking
i.e. not learning

June 22 (Thursday)
(Phoning in this one.)

June 23 (Friday)
‘Well, does he sport though?’
‘He sports great, but he doesn’t TEAM.’
Sports talk show cheat sheet.

June 24 (Saturday)
I’m no artist, but …
Good enough for a baby
(They’re blind at birth, right?)

June 25 (Sunday)
Trip to Home Depot
Paint, relax, paint some more, then …
Trip to Home Depot

June 26 (Monday)
You know what’s easy?
Like, I could do it all day?
Not exercising

June 27 (Tuesday)
Stumbling through some code
Attempting to grok React
Annnnnnd time to google

June 28 (Wednesday)
Thai food with buddies
I guess you could say we’re a …
Thai-t knit group …? Ha. Ha?

June 29 (Thursday)
I figured it out!!
Wait … What’s that mean? And … Uh … Shoot.
Square one, my old friend

June 30 (Friday)
Driving through desert
Always makes me want to play
Red Dead Redemption

May Haiku

May 1 (Monday)
Yes, April showers.
May baths. June apply perfume.
Odorous August.

May 2 (Tuesday)
Online training class
Instructor’s persistent pep
Greeted with smileys

May 3 (Wednesday)
First trail jog since trip
Good news: ankle feels ok!
Bad news: trails still tough.

May 4 (Thursday)
Upcoming weekend:
Eating and drinking too much
(Pal’s bachelor trip)

May 5 (Friday)
Airport employees
Proving that life can go on
With soul sucking looks

May 6 (Saturday)
A day of drinking
Eight breweries visited
…I feel disgusting

May 7 (Sunday)
Traveling with bloat:
Tales of a Bachelor Party
Over age thirty

May 8 (Monday)
“Sure, *I’M* the bad guy …
“Wait, I should emphasize *the*!”
Then he kicked a dog

May 9 (Tuesday)
Looking back on life,
The old man wept and yelled out,
“Wish I’d had more tots!!!”

May 10 (Wednesday)
Need to train the dog
To have strategic BMs
To fertilize lawn

May 11 (Thursday)
Quick Q for the pres,
To disguise wetting the bed …
Do you burn down house???

May 12 (Friday)
Past self, you moron.
Tomorrow’s race day trail run?
Twenty-five miles. 😬😢

May 13 (Saturday)
10 mile nice jog
15 miles of sadness
Then sweet, sweet nothing

May 14 (Sunday)
Mother’s Day you fools!
Be sweet! Be nice! Do some chores!

May 15 (Monday)
Pulled some weeds today
I was all “HYAH!,” “TAKE THAT!”
And they were all like “…”

May 16 (Tuesday)
Twitter, the place for:
Blinding political rage,
And a good chuckle

May 17 (Wednesday)
Saw my race photos
How can I look so slow while
Rocking monster thighs

May 18 (Thursday)
“Hey guys, it’s snowing!”
“Yeah, it’s May, it snows sometimes.”
OK, not fun guy.

May 19 (Friday)
Party at neighbors
Social skills GO! … Start? … Appear?!? …
How’s this work again?

May 20 (Saturday)
Glance at to do list
Then, two hour break watching
Casually Explained

May 21 (Sunday)
Just living the dream:
Playing sports video games
And, watching playoffs

May 22 (Monday)
First jog in some time
Makes me feel like the tin man
All creaking and stiff

May 23 (Tuesday)
With a pregnant wife
You might worry about me
But, it’s cool, I’m fine

May 24 (Wednesday)
French bread pizza night!
With bonus tradition of:
Feeling grossly full

May 25 (Thursday)
Not sure, but I think
Motivation’s a creature
That lives off of sweets

May 26 (Friday)
Ultrasounds are weird
Tech, nonchalant, “here’s a foot”

May 27 (Saturday)
As my sister said
It’s fun to dress babies like
Tiny old people

May 28 (Sunday)
La vida loca
An old French saying which means
“Chips and dip for lunch”

May 29 (Monday)
Memorial Day
Tears and memories remain
For those who we’ve lost

May 30 (Tuesday)
Moving furniture
I make room while wife makes womb
Eh!? EH!?! I’m sorry.

May 31 (Wednesday)
Quarterly results:
Who would’ve guessed finance calls
Would impact my mood

April Haiku

April 1 (Saturday)
Max Colorado:
Making some granola bars
For Sunday trail jog

April 2 (Sunday)
Sunday errands done
Time to kick back, relax, and
Try hard not to nap

April 3 (Monday)
Bball done this year.
Oh yeah, there’s the NBA.
Eh. Basketball’s done.

April 4 (Tuesday)
Are the masters soon?
The whispering, the soft clap
The greatest nap track

April 5 (Wednesday)
Days of frustration
Before learning easy fix
Code drives me batty

April 6 (Thursday)
Wife hosting book club
I come downstairs to say hi,
Envy the snack tray

April 7 (Friday)
Friday night hijinks
Bingo hall with some buddies
My wife won a game!!

April 8 (Saturday)
Spotted on trail jog:
Friendly hikers, deer, llamas.
One of those … seems odd.

April 9 (Sunday)
Sunday starts with a …
Whimper? Some soft crying sounds?
Hurting from my jog

April 10 (Monday)
Canadian geese
Aren’t they supposed to migrate?
Ones here just loiter

April 11 (Tuesday)
Ran with a backpack on
Not only looked like a dork
But felt like one too

April 12 (Wednesday)
Work dinner tonight
Spouses are invited too
Fingers crossed they’re weird

April 13 (Thursday)
Friendos, life is good:
Frosted animal crackers,
And a glass of milk

April 14 (Friday)
Left work feeling good
Leaving like that on Fridays?
It’s hard to beat that

April 15 (Saturday)
Nearly done with jog
Misstep and roll my ankle
<This line censored out>

April 16 (Sunday)
Happy Easter, all
Big day for adults (message)
And for kids (candy)

April 17 (Monday)
Traffic reporters
Laughs while traffic pains described
Ah, schaudenfreude

April 18 (Tuesday)
Duolingo fun
Still trying to learn German
King of weird phrases

#IAmNotAPotato #IchNichtEinKartoffel

April 19 (Wednesday)
Other stuff’s happening too …
But who cares? PREGNANT!

April 20 (Thursday)
National pot day
Time to get out there, potheads!
And then sit around!

April 21 (Friday)
Some friends visiting
Calls for RMNP trip
Seeing ALL the elk!!

April 22 (Saturday)
Hike to start the day
Eerie mist on the way up
Clear skies coming down

April 23 (Sunday)
Friends depart today
Quiet house, bloated belly
(We ate out a lot)

April 24 (Monday)
Social weekend done
Wonderful to hang out, now:
Hermit mode engaged

April 25 (Tuesday)
Life’s comprised of countdowns
Kid: summer break, Christmas, birthday
Now: three day weekends

April 26 (Wednesday)
“ECHOOOOO” she yelled out
Sass Canyon replied slowly

April 27 (Thursday)
Dog’s extra needy
Like a tiny, four-legged,
Smell making machine

April 28 (Friday)
Sometimes I wonder
Is a haiku too succinct
To allow me to

April 29 (Saturday)
It is impressive
How little I can get done
It just takes effort

April 30 (Sunday)
Snow is melting now
But, snow, please hang out some more
I don’t want to mow

March Haiku

March 1 (Wednesday)
More Game of Thrones watched
That show’s just abusive
Oh you like him? DEAD.

March 2 (Thursday)
Toastmasters meeting
I do meeting minutes now
My style? Verbose.

March 3 (Friday)
Hosted a meeting
Video then discussion
…Engineers all bolt

March 4 (Saturday)
‘Hey kids, IKEA?’
Said the world’s number one dad
In terms of cruelty

March 5 (Sunday)
Went out for a hike
I hoped to spot some eagles

March 6 (Monday)
Sent a mass email
‘This thing is wrong! Needs fixing!’
Oh … Shoot. Nope. I’m dumb.

March 7 (Tuesday)
Kid sees me, jogs too
But, come on kid!, I’m faster!
(Than most five year olds)

March 8 (Wednesday)
Intern interview:
‘Describe garbage collection’
‘Put the bin out?’ HIRED!

March 9 (Thursday)
Work then a late flight
Flying to Minnesota
Seeing fam, and breath

March 10 (Friday)
A day with wife’s fam
Surrounded by love, and snacks
And wise-cracking folk

March 11 (Saturday)
Second eulogy
My wife delivered with grace
Tears and hugs for all

March 12 (Sunday)
Delayed at airport
We’ll miss the kennel window
Won’t get dog til late

March 13 (Monday)
My skin is so dry
I hear empty cup straw-sucking
When lotion’s applied

March 14 (Tuesday)
Doing UX code
“That buttons too button-y”
Ah the squishy stuff

March 15 (Wednesday)
If your arms are ‘guns’
Then are your legs artillery?
Gym rats – please advise

March 16 (Thursday)
March Madness is here!
From basketball atheist
To crazed fanatic

March 17 (Friday)
Can I call in sick
During the SMU game
Then come back to work?

March 18 (Saturday)
Three hour trail jog
Wife got me chocolate milk
Eyes on the prize, self

March 19 (Sunday)
March Madness DRAMA!
This game is heating up! It’s …
Whoops. Dozed off again.

March 20 (Monday)
Felt sick yesterday
Worse today. Know what that means??
9 pm bedtime!

March 21 (Tuesday)
Feel ok, sound bad
I’m the coworker I hate
“Dude! You’re sick! GO HOME!”

March 22 (Wednesday)
Oh hi indie films
A romantic comedy

March 23 (Thursday)
Senate vote allows
Anything you do online
To be watched and sold

March 24 (Friday)
Making risky jokes
While trying to make new friends
I’m adventurous

March 25 (Saturday)
Cough lingered enough
To justify no long jog
Hellooooooooo non-movement!

March 26 (Sunday)
Iron Fist is eh
But it is better than my
Boring to do list

March 27 (Monday)
Back to working out
Cold sidelined me for a week
Lovely, lazy week

March 28 (Tuesday)
Don’t eat your feelings
Those deep fried, sugar coated,
Tasty, tasty feels

March 29 (Wednesday)
When Tiffany Trump
Gets a book deal in 10 years
What fun that’ll be!

March 30 (Thursday)
Another speech done!
Toastmasters world champ? Not quite.
Champ of this couch? Yep.

March 31 (Friday)
Long day of thinking
Now time to undo all that
With video games

Follow me @DumbFunnery for the daily haiku and probably other tweets you don’t particularly care about.

February Haiku

February 1
Started Game of Thrones
Cause when reality bites
Watch depressing shows?

February 2
Toastmasters today
Only five braved icy roads
To meet … for coffee

February 3
Do I feel ennui?
Do I face a lack of LIFE!?
No, wait, I’m gassy

February 4
Wife’s birthday today!
I got her a card, necklace,
And picked on her less

February 5
Football season done
What will I do with more time!
Eh, nothing of worth

February 6
His body weakened
Fear shown plainly on his face
(Blood drawn – I’m a wuss)

February 7
I make brash, bold claims
Then support with “evidence”
And end with grace. SAD!

February 8
Guy slams his stall door
Which jars my stall door open …
Fear waddle mode: on

February 9
Basement workout: done!
Lifting weights and breathing
That sweet, sweet radon

February 10
Goodbye lunch today
And he gave us all thank you notes!
Such a kind person

February 11
Nine mile trail jog
Followed by sitting around
For twelve hours – impressed?

February 12
Wife back from a trip
And she brought blue bell ice cream
This, my friends, is love

February 13
SAFe Scrum Master test
(It was as cool as it sounds)
(And I’m pleased I passed!)

February 14
Happy Valentine’s!
Whether single or paired up,
You should buy me stuff

February 15
Step 1: lots of dishes
Step 2: headphones, and Step 3:
Caravan Palace

February 16
Warm days in winter
(Just ignore climate science)
And soak up that sun!


February 17
Picnic with the wife
Chicken salad and chatter
Hard to beat that lunch!

February 18
10 mile trail jog
Building up trail tolerance
Then eating with glee

February 19
Don Trump ate some Swedish fish
Got stuck in his teeth

February 20
Thanks past presidents!
Pained noise and curt nod to our
Current president

February 21
My watch buzzes – “Move!”
Watch, like I want to move and –
Oh, my coffee’s low!

February 22
Today: t-shirt on
Tomorrow: snow’s predicted
Weather, you crazy

February 23
Freezing rain outside
Weather like this justifies
Coffee with Swiss Miss

February 24
The cool air greets me
Snow flakes fall in slow motion
Snow globe kind of day

February 25
Friend’s birthday dinner
Beer plus small social life means
I’m VERY chatty

February 26
Wake up and decide
Jog with temps in the high teens?
Or go get doughnuts …

February 27 (Monday)
Intern interview
My questions were ‘easiest’
“How goes!?” can be tough?

February 28 (Tuesday)
Writing four days late
…Nothing of note comes to mind
That’s just depressing

January Haiku

Did you know I’m doing a haiku a day this year? You didn’t? Are you, like, not even paying attention to me? That … No, it’s fine. We can talk later.

Oh, hi reader, sorry about that. I have a Twitter account, just like the president of the United States! And, just like the president, sometimes I tweet nonsense, sometimes I tweet complaining about people.

Here are my January haiku tweets. (And here is my Twitter account.)


January 1
Wife’s cold is awful
Ah that classic tourist spot:
A Czech hospital

January 2
Sick wife, three BIG bags
Please train ride be nice and calm …
Oh, hello bomb threat

January 3
Flying friendly skies
Really, it’s Air Canada
AHHH! They’re speaking FRENCH!

January 4
Back to work today
Hey! I feel ok! … Uh oh,
Jet lag sneak attack

January 5
Wife’s cough is a beast
World tour of docs continues
Drugs, work your magic!

January 6
Thank God it’s Friday
Weekend of football and sleep
Which sounds heavenly

January 7
My wife and I share
Snacks, blankets, feelings and colds
We’re adorbs that way

January 8 (they played the Pats)
The Texans advanced!
Who do they get to play next!
…Oh. Well. Good season.

January 9
MONDAY!? And still sick!?
Looks like a day for me-light
Like me, but less so

January 10
Clemson v Bama!
What a game! … I read today.
(Bedtime called early.)

January 11
I’m done with this task!
But wait, what if I tried this …
Three Days Later: aghhhhhhhh!

January 12
A day without news
If I don’t look, he’s not there
This sand is so warm

January 13
“Hmm, should I cancel?”
“Um, sir? May I transfer you?”
Comcast round 2: start …

January 14
Postcard writing fest
At a little coffee shop
For @theellenshow

January 15
Wife brought the dog home
A great kennel (her folks house)
Bit far though (Houston)

January 16
Ranger assistant
Phone interview yesterday
*Pushes glasses up*

January 17
It’s Planned Parenthood
Not called unPlanned Parenthood
You bunch of jackals

January 18
Went jogging last night
First jog in forty-five days
Oh, hi pain, missed you

January 19
Garmin watch ordered!
Because data is my friend
And I love running

January 20
Shout, scream, vent and groan
Then exhale all the anger
And bring calm kindness

January 21
Toastmasters event
Morning with speech loving geeks
Yeah that’s right, I’m cool

January 22 (a lame playoffs day)
Griping about news
But hopeful for good football
… Is this Trump’s fault too?

January 23
I expect to see
U.S. declares war on Mars
With each news update

January 24
It’s two years today
Since waxing poetic vows
With dear friends and fam

January 25
Two day training done
My brain is full and I’m now
Much more corporate

January 26
Having dinner with a pal
When the snark arrived

January 27
Made a joke today
Where I referenced shutter speed
Nerd status maintained

January 28
Ramping up my jogs
But today I have a prize:
Huge cinnamon roll!

January 29
Wife and mom agree:
Politics driving me mad
But … Trump! … It’s just … TRUMP

January 30
Dear America,
<Sound like a goat being maimed>
So, that’s how I feel …

January 31
Working on scale tests
Little change here, small tweak there
And then wait … and wait …

%d bloggers like this: