The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

 

All of these were taken in mid April, EXCEPT for the bottom left photo. The bottom two photos are both Sprague Lake – early September vs mid April. It was an exceptionally still day for the lake in September.

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

Attn: Ellen (5/3/17)

Front

Ellen307a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen307b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I’m going to spit ball. I’m thinking future robots meets zombie thriller? Here are some names …

Love Bytes
From 0 to Hero
Byte Me
Miss Nancy, Fancy, In the Pantsy
(instead YA romance?)

Thanks Ellen, just wanted to throw ideas out to see what sticks.

Oh! Sticky bit – the revenge?

Eh?

Let me know what you think!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

April Haiku

April 1 (Saturday)
Max Colorado:
Making some granola bars
For Sunday trail jog

April 2 (Sunday)
Sunday errands done
Time to kick back, relax, and
Try hard not to nap

April 3 (Monday)
Bball done this year.
Oh yeah, there’s the NBA.
Eh. Basketball’s done.

April 4 (Tuesday)
Are the masters soon?
The whispering, the soft clap
The greatest nap track

April 5 (Wednesday)
Days of frustration
Before learning easy fix
Code drives me batty

April 6 (Thursday)
Wife hosting book club
I come downstairs to say hi,
Envy the snack tray

April 7 (Friday)
Friday night hijinks
Bingo hall with some buddies
My wife won a game!!

April 8 (Saturday)
Spotted on trail jog:
Friendly hikers, deer, llamas.
One of those … seems odd.

April 9 (Sunday)
Sunday starts with a …
Whimper? Some soft crying sounds?
Hurting from my jog

April 10 (Monday)
Canadian geese
Aren’t they supposed to migrate?
Ones here just loiter

April 11 (Tuesday)
Ran with a backpack on
Not only looked like a dork
But felt like one too

April 12 (Wednesday)
Work dinner tonight
Spouses are invited too
Fingers crossed they’re weird

April 13 (Thursday)
Friendos, life is good:
Frosted animal crackers,
And a glass of milk

April 14 (Friday)
Left work feeling good
Leaving like that on Fridays?
It’s hard to beat that

April 15 (Saturday)
Nearly done with jog
Misstep and roll my ankle
<This line censored out>

April 16 (Sunday)
Happy Easter, all
Big day for adults (message)
And for kids (candy)

April 17 (Monday)
Traffic reporters
Laughs while traffic pains described
Ah, schaudenfreude

April 18 (Tuesday)
Duolingo fun
Still trying to learn German
King of weird phrases

#IAmNotAPotato #IchNichtEinKartoffel

April 19 (Wednesday)
MY WIFE IS PREGNANT
Other stuff’s happening too …
But who cares? PREGNANT!

April 20 (Thursday)
National pot day
Time to get out there, potheads!
And then sit around!

April 21 (Friday)
Some friends visiting
Calls for RMNP trip
Seeing ALL the elk!!

April 22 (Saturday)
Hike to start the day
Eerie mist on the way up
Clear skies coming down

April 23 (Sunday)
Friends depart today
Quiet house, bloated belly
(We ate out a lot)

April 24 (Monday)
Social weekend done
Wonderful to hang out, now:
Hermit mode engaged

April 25 (Tuesday)
Life’s comprised of countdowns
Kid: summer break, Christmas, birthday
Now: three day weekends

April 26 (Wednesday)
“ECHOOOOO” she yelled out
Sass Canyon replied slowly
“Unnn-or-ig-in-allllll”

April 27 (Thursday)
Dog’s extra needy
Like a tiny, four-legged,
Smell making machine

April 28 (Friday)
Sometimes I wonder
Is a haiku too succinct
To allow me to

April 29 (Saturday)
It is impressive
How little I can get done
It just takes effort

April 30 (Sunday)
Snow is melting now
But, snow, please hang out some more
I don’t want to mow

Life Milestone

A new life milestone for myself, and much more physically impacting for my wife, we will be parents! Woah!

Aside from that big milestone there are other ones that accompany it: first baby outfit purchased (see below), first time saying goodbye to money for the next X years (where X equals a number I don’t want to think about).

Goodbye money, hello adorable clothes that will be usable for less time than I sometimes wear one pair of socks in a sitting. (Just kidding, you hope.)

FullSizeRender

Attn: Ellen (4/26/17)

Front

Ellen306a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen306b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Is it just me or does stainless steel sound like a challenge?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Johnathon P. Prickles

It occurs to me that Hollywood may be seen as a place that lacks creative influx. That is shy the courage to be truly innovative or out there. There is noticeable reward for using tried and true ideas: those are where profits sit. But people fail to jump on board 100% because some people want to sit back and bash Hollywood for a lack of newness.
Don’t worry Hollywood, Joe Complainer, I’ve got everyone covered.
A Tarzan reboot (you’re welcome Hollywood) starring Will Ferrell as the title character (you’re welcome again Hollywood) BUT (you’re welcome creative-seekers) there’s a twist.
Instead of a boy being raised by apes in the jungle, this man was raised by porcupines in some weirdos backyard. One of those people who has a lot of animals and a big ranch.
The person, played by Will Ferrell, will be Johnathon P. Prickles, and boy will he ever be … prickly. I know, that joke was obvious, but I think a lot of people like obvious jokes.
This movie will have everything:
  • Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
  • A grown man being prickly
  • Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
  • Betty White as the owner of this ranch
  • An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
  • Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
  • And that director’s name? Woody Allen
There you have it, Hollywood, America, everyone wins.
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“Scene 247, Take 32, I um, … well, what can I say? A dog pants, I don’t.” – a naked Woody Allen

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