The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Attn: Ellen (2/28/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Remember the old ‘cotton – the fabric of our lives’ ad? If I was silk (and I recognize that’s a weird statement) I would have a rebuttal ad, ‘silk – the fabric of the life you wish you had.’ After all, it’s a well known fact that silk is cotton’s wealthy aunt.

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?



January 2018 Daily Haiku

January 1 (Monday)
All day in PJs
2018 starts with
Lots of lazinnes

January 2 (Tuesday)
Back to work today
As in my back’s turned to work!
Nah. I’m here. It stinks.

January 3 (Wednesday)
Reading bad sci-fi
Author made himself hero
Who girls can’t resist

January 4 (Thursday)
Slept on my forearm
So numb and asleep that I
Hit myself with it

January 5 (Friday)
Didn’t bring my lunch
New cafeteria food
… Same as the old stuff

January 6 (Saturday)
NFL playoffs
A new chance to hate the Pats
Let me count the ways

January 7 (Sunday)
The commercial trend
With ‘real people’ talking cars
Is dull and painful

January 8 (Monday)
‘Innovation’ sprint
Get to code a fun idea
Embracing nerd-dom

January 9 (Tuesday)
I’m overreaching
At first do this, this, and this
Now? Just this is fine

January 10 (Wednesday)
My night time routine
Humming a song on repeat
Bore my son to sleep

January 11 (Thursday)
New business idea
“Go where Trump isn’t”

January 12 (Friday)
*Draws karate dude*
“Yeah,I guess you could say that …
“I do martial arts”

January 13 (Saturday)
4:30 dinner
Opposite happy hour:
It’s all fams with kids

January 14 (Sunday)
Son woke up crying
I walk up, he sees me, grins
He owns me. And knows.

January 15 (Monday)
It’s MLK Day
Reminder: smart folks, and hope
Can bring good changes

January 16 (Tuesday)
Python class day one
First half: great stuff! Second half:
Brain starting to hurt

January 17 (Wednesday)
Python class day two
Aha! I get that concept!
Next chap.: Brain re-breaks

January 18 (Thursday)
Python class day three
Learned lots. Ready to break stuff!
Hellooooo ugly code!

January 19 (Friday)
When: bout 4am
What: son cried, picked up, *smiles*
Mood: flattered, annoyed

January 20 (Saturday)
Went to a kids store
Found anniversary gift
They even wrapped it

January 21 (Sunday)
Snowstorm hit last night
Friend visiting from Houston
…Wants to shovel? Sweet.

January 22 (Monday)
Demo my ‘fun’ work
Look if you follow THIS path
Works great! … Don’t click that.

January 23 (Tuesday)
Intro to Go class
I’m having flashbacks to C
But I’m less afraid

January 24 (Wednesday)
Three years of good with the wife
(And now a kid, too!)

January 25 (Thursday)
Last night kid slept great
Perhaps a gift from God of …
Keeping Folks Guessing

January 26 (Friday)
Burrito bar night
I dedicate this night to
Eating far too much

January 27 (Saturday)
Put the kid to bed
Watch Arrested D with wife
Hanging out sans kid!!

January 28 (Sunday)
Let’s go for a walk!
(Sun disappears, wind comes out)
Why are we outside?

January 29 (Monday)
Dear bands of the world
Can I create your next vid?
For real. I’d love that.

January 30 (Tuesday)
“Just pick the UI
“Write code. Change it if needed.”
*Throwaway code starts*

January 31 (Wednesday)
Should all companies
Force a monthly dance party?
I foresee no qualms

Recently the Philadelphia Eagles won the super bowl. I was, and am, happy for them (but honestly, more happy the Pats lost). But, Eagles fans … I apologize. I should’ve provided you with this before the big day … but I had no confidence in your ability to win. (New Englanders would’ve taken a victory in stride as it is par for the course for them.)

Next time, <unexpected victorious city>, check this out first!


Attn: Ellen (2/21/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think this is the Winter Olympics where the IOC finally admits the biathlon is really just a spy proving game? Who else but James Bond needs to cross country ski to a locale, shoot a gun with precision, then ski away?

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?


Together, we can reclaim our building heritage. We will build gleaming new roads, bridges, highways, railways, and waterways across our land. And we will do it with American heart, American hands, and American grit. – DJT, SOTU

In our drive to make Washington accountable, we have eliminated more regulations in our first year than any administration in history. – DJT, SOTU

DumbFunnery had the amazing opportunity to visit one of President Donald Josephine Trump’s new roads that is connected to one of his new bridges that he talked about at his State of the Union address.


Possible inspiration.

The road is certainly gleaming. Never before have I seen a road that was constructed with 1% glitter. It is, in fact, dangerous. I met with an optometrist who lives near the area and wrote countless letters objecting to a literal gleaming road, but her letters went unheard. Her local representative, a republican, said that progress won’t be slowed, and then the local republican quoted President Trump, “America is a nation of builders. We built the Empire State Building in just 1 year — is it not a disgrace that it can now take 10 years just to get a permit approved for a simple road?”

To that end, I guess, they took it as a challenge to do as little as possible in the way of feasibility studies or ensuring that the road was placed in a spot that made sense (it doesn’t), that it is sound (it isn’t) and that it doesn’t literally cause blinding because of the ‘gleaming’ aspect. Donald Jacqueline Trump may love things to have a gilded appearance, but sometimes that is a horrible, horrible idea.

Ah look, another officer has arrived at the scene to provide traffic control assistance after someone accidentally drove off the gleaming bridge as the sun began to rise. The officer is wearing one of those ‘just got my eyes dilated’ pairs of sunglasses provided by the kind optometrist.

Thankfully, because this project seemed to embrace progress over logic, the bridge is not actually over a body of water, so the driver will be just fine. Though his car will likely be dirty.

I’m getting a closer look at the road and the construction company, ICE Construction, actually used literal hands and … oh God tell me that’s not a heart. I was told by an official spokesperson from ICE that

Be afraid, America. Be very afraid.

I wonder if my hair is long enough that you could make a sweater out of it.

Here lies Spud. Oh ho, and what a spud.

My other epitaph is much nicer.

Death by microwaved meatloaf. Damn it was a good run though, ya’ll.

If a train leaves New Brunswick at 440mph, and another train leaves cause yo mama so fat … How bout that? Insulted by an epitpah.

I hope the Hindus have it right, and that I wasn’t an asshole.

Dig me up, I bet I’m good eating!

Go to the nearest store. Buy a Sprite. Pour it on my gravesite. All of it. When someone yells, ‘HEY! Quit that! Why? Why would you disrespect the dead?!?’ Then you look them square in the eyes and say, ‘out of Sprite.’

Beloved Father, Mother, Husband, Daydreamer, Con Artist, Craft Whiskey Brewer, Liar, and Chicken Pox Survivor. Also great with those balloons you can make into animals.

I donated my internal organs to science, and my external holes to the weirdos. Eat your heart out, necrophiliacs!

Somewhere near you is my soul, making fart noises with my mouth while mooning you. Smell that? It’s me. That last noise wasn’t from my mouth.

I should’ve eaten more foods that were shaped like famous buildings.


Attn: Ellen (2/14/18)



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)



The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This Valentine’s Day prove to someone your love by buying them something nicer than they got you. Then say something sweet like, “I guess I do love you more” and really spice up the night by adding “did you EVER love me or has this all been a sham?” Spicy!

Sincerely, OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?


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