The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

You’re Still Here?

It’s the week of Christmas … or, it’s the last week of December for you. Either way, I hope you have a great week. You won’t find any posts here this week – but check back next week, eh?

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Note to Self: Be Rational

I’m writing this the day after the Army-Navy game, which is the game that causes me the most tension every year (maybe if one of my NFL teams made it to the Super Bowl I might feel the same … but I doubt it).

My dad went to West Point, so Army-Navy has been a feature of my life, and while Army is now on a 3 game win streak (WHOOO!) Navy had ripped off 14 in a row, winning from 2002 – 2015. That’s a fair chunk of time, and so, so many of those were absolute heartbreakers (as is the case for Navy now). It seems no matter how good one team does in the season, the other team will be right there with them for this game.

On the morning of the Army-Navy game I took a shower and while I was in the shower I began thinking about what I should wear that day. Should I wear my Army shirt? Wait. Did I wear it last year? What did I wear last year? Should I repeat that outfit?

I kept having to repeat myself that my actions have no bearing on the game. Seriously. It’s ridiculous.

But, perhaps not dressing a particular way for the game is what helped Army win so …

P.S. The obligatory and happily said – GO ARMY! BEAT NAVY!

repeat

Attn: Ellen (12/19/18)

Front

Ellen379b

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen379a

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This year I’ve secretly been telling people ‘Mary Christmas’ because this girl I know, named Mary, likes bringing home-baked cookies to work so I hope that … aw crap, just remembered her name is actually Joan.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

It’s a Trap!

You remember Star Wars? You’ve probably heard of it at some point.

Anyway there was this one Star Wars movie where this guy, we’ll call him Admiral Ackbar, is taking part in an

photo of blue and yellow lighted dome tent surrounded by plants during night time

You’d think I’d be ashamed by this kind of post by now but … nope.

attack on the Empire. It’s a big deal attack, right? Like, tons of rebel guys all gathered up together and said ‘let’s do this’ and so it’s not just some little skirmish.

Anyway Ackbar is on this ship and he has a famous line where he’s in a swivel chair and he swivels around and you see his big, crazy eyes and he yells out ‘It’s a TRAP!’

Big scene. BIG. Scene.

Return of the Jedi was released in 1983, and some companies had managed to get tipped off to some of the plot points in the movie. They were approaching George Lucas left and right, trying to get commercial tie-ins to get in on the burgeoning Star Wars cash cow.

One of the companies that did manage to get through was an outdoor equipment company. They were supposedly THE favorite flannel shirt maker that George Lucas liked. George, loving the idea of some custom flannel shirts from them, created a series of commercials. They did not end up making it to air because the cost was too high … But I can tell you the contents of one of them.

A family is out in the woods, they’ve got two tents set up, a well-built fireplace, a couple of chairs set up, and everyone looks so cozy and happy. Just then, a few rain drops fall. The kids begin to whine about getting wet, the mom worries aloud about cooking dinner without a fire, and the dad looks to the camera and thinks outloud, ‘is there anything we could use to help make the rain less damaging to our camping trip?’

Suddenly Ackbar HIMSELF appears! He descends into the campground on a floating swivel chair and shouts out, ‘It’s a TARP!’

Who’s hot to trot, and who’s not!? Find out in this December Issue of Dishing Over Dishes! Today, I’m joined by a simpleton. We’ll find out what he knows about celebrities!

Q: What makes Kelly Ripa so down to earth?
A: She is very short. Something like 3, or 4, or maybe 5 feet tall. Certainly not 6. Likely in the 3-5 range. Even if she jumps she is still really close to the ground. It’s funny when you think about it.
Q: Will The Rock look like a frightening old creature when he’s super old and still weirdly muscular?

rear view of man sitting on rock by sea

Seen here, some guy staring at The Rock.

A: Rocks don’t age, they just fade from the wind.
Q: Could Wilbur Ross make a comeback?
A: Wilbur Ross? The jelly guy from the Today Show?* Sure, as long as jelly’s cool, he’ll be cool.

 

*Editor’s note. Wilbur Ross is the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, and looks like a sour grape. Willard Scott is the jelly guy, and he should consider making Secretary Ross into jelly (though it would likely taste gross).

 

Q: What do you think about Rachel Ray?
A: The amount of disrespect I have for that woman could fill a book. Well, a novella. Or a pamphlet. How tangential am I allowed to get?

 

P.S. In the beginning of this I mentioned I was joined by a simpleton. Bonus news flash, I’M the simpleton! It’s just me here! No one is around me! Happy holidays.

Attn: Ellen (12/12/18)

Front

Ellen378b

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen378a

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Recently I looked in the mirror and didn’t like what I saw. I took off my glasses and wow – stunning! What a beautiful fuzzy creature stood before me! Such a sharp (maybe?) jawline! Such dazzling eyes are probably right around that area? I didn’t know what I was looking at, but I liked (possibly?) it.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

November 2018 Haiku

November 1 (Thursday)
Stay woke, everyone
And obviously the key
Is a good night’s rest

#dadJoke

November 2 (Friday)
It’s Friday, people!
Or ‘It’s Friday people!’ … Hm.
Impetuous group.

November 3 (Saturday)
Swam one whole mile!
Took me a long time (looooong time)
But, hey, I did it

November 4 (Sunday)
Wife, kid errand-ing
I could be so productive!
Or not. I choose … Not.

November 5 (Monday)
Son loves Graham crackers
Dipped in milk for him today
Love? No. Taste-splosion.

November 6 (Tuesday)
Election results
Not the blue wave I hoped for
But a nice blue splash

November 7 (Wednesday)
Design Thinking class
Today: creating ideas
No eval (it’s fun!)

November 8 (Thursday)
Game night with fellas
Game download took hours so …
We ACTUALLY talked!

#normallyJustYellAtGame

November 9 (Friday)
Design Thinking class
Today: just get to the point!
(Presentation work)

November 10 (Saturday)
Son scared at haircut
He holds my hand the whole time
Heart melts, and reforms

November 11 (Sunday)
It’s Veterans Day
A humble thanks to all those
Who served this country

November 12 (Monday)
Coffee and reading
Dear book, please explain toddlers
Or, you know, just mine

November 13 (Tuesday)
Candy bag at work
Take one, bite down on it and …
Huh, this is … quite old

November 14 (Wednesday)
Wandering my work
Seeking leftover candy
Miss you, sugar fix!

November 15 (Thursday)
Oh floating band-aid
You distract me from swimming
And fill me with fear

November 16 (Friday)
Cleaned up at a park
THIRTY tires! Dumpster FILLED!
‘Grats humanity

November 17 (Saturday)
Habitat build day
Worked on some sarcastic walls
… dry … walls … I’m sorry

November 18 (Sunday)
First sporting event!
Kid was absorbed watching it
So much to take in!

November 19 (Monday)
The kiddo has croup
Nightly cuddles have ensued
No sleep for mom, dad

November 20 (Tuesday)
It’s a short work week
At standup someone called it
“Who else has checked out?”

November 21 (Wednesday)
It’s a travel day
Kiddo passed out on my lap
Please, PLEASE stay sleeping

November 22 (Thursday)
Happy Thanksgiving!
May your turkey be as stuffed
As you will soon be

November 23 (Friday)
Planned to jog today
Instead had a huge breakfast
And light lunch of pie

November 24 (Saturday)
Got to see some pals!
Operation ‘move near us!’
Is now underway

November 25 (Sunday)
Long travel day home
Kiddo did lots of waving
A queen in past life?

November 26 (Monday)
Back to work today
Oh and that defect is back
Bad welcome back gift

November 27 (Tuesday)
In a class today
Teacher has classic nerd voice
(Establishes cred)

November 28 (Wednesday)
15th month check-up
“Still not walking? Hmm, ok”
Shush, doc, he’s perfect

November 29 (Thursday)
My little goofball
Is now into tilting head
World’s more fun sideways

November 30 (Friday)
Son of a biscuit
Bug fix I checked in that shipped
Doesn’t fully work

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