The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

I Love You So Much That …

I’m going to let you suffer.

That’s right. I’ll know you’re suffering. I know I’m DEFINITELY suffering hearing you suffer. And we’re just going to sit here with this. And sit. And gnash teeth. And chant to myself about this is for your good in the long run.

Recently on my young journey along interstate parenthood I had a weird realization – true love is letting someone suffer.

Stay with me.

Remind yourself of a friendship or a past relationship where you really liked the person. But love? Eh. Not so much love. Or maybe you even felt some love toward this person but it wasn’t … you know, twist your heart, Of Human Bondage love.

OfHumanBondage.jpg

By Source, Fair use, Link


If there was a decision that needed to be made with that person and it would require some hurt on your part, and that person’s part … would you make that call? Would you choose the harder right over the easier wrong? Maybe it was a conversation with a friend who wants to marry the wrong person, maybe it’s a young son who sits at his first soccer practice crying the whole time, or a young baby who is STILL a pretty terrible sleeper and so you’re revisiting sleep training which involves the sleep wave (i.e. lots of crying on that baby’s part).

If you love someone, really love someone, you’re likely going to make them suffer. Because your spouse / best friend / whatever is about to make an important career move and (shhh, you can totally tell it’s the wrong move!) or any of one million more examples.

The wise reader has probably learned that my wife and I are once again trying to get the kiddo back on track in regards to sleep. The last few nights I have whispered lovingly to him during the calming period before bed about how I love him so, so much and he’s going to suffer for it. It’s a really swell chat.

So go forth, reader! And choose that harder right, and suffer with your loved ones!

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Great question, and I’ve got some great answers.

Are you now, or have you ever been a part of a legion? Then you probably have it. Follow-up question, what is a legion? Again, great question! It’s like a group of guys I think, probably French or into French stuff. Follow-up follow-up, what does it mean to be into French stuff? Do you like cigarettes and looking disdainful, or how about long thin breads? Then yep, you’re into French stuff.

When you hear the word ‘legend’ or ‘legendary’ do you recoil? You probably have legionnaire’s disease. (You are recoiling because the legions that combine to form this evil entity in your body known as Legionnaire are afraid of legendary things happening.)

Wait, you ask, there is an entity in my body known as Legionnaire? I don’t know. Maybe.

How dumb are you, you ask disdainfully? Who’s dumber, me or you, with your stupid legionnaire’s disease?

Am I just some rude jerk? Good question, your mom asked the same … LAST NIGHT.

And now a question for you: why are you walking away from me? Come back. Please. My defense mechanisms are strong and self-defeating and … you’re gone.

LegionnaireFilm.jpg

Do you like this movie? If so, you probably have Legionnaire’s disease.


By Source, Fair use, Link

 

Attn: Ellen (10/24/18)

Front

 

Ellen371a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 

Ellen371b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

With elections right around the corner here is my current political stance.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

September 2018 Haiku

September 1 (Saturday)

Short walk, pool,and stores
A fun and go-go-go day
Good start to weekend!

September 2 (Sunday)
Hike with the kiddo!
Managed to do five miles
And give lots of waves
#heLovesToWave

September 3 (Monday)
Swam laps this morning
This despite minor back pain
(Hi, foreshadowing)

September 4 (Tuesday)

Oh dear Lord what. Why?
All movement hurts. Really. All.
Hike? Swim? Who did this?!

September 5 (Wednesday)
“Pizza party night!”
Text from wife. This means she had …
Great or stressful day
#stressOrSuccessEat

September 6 (Thursday)
Sometimes life’s stressful
That’s when you need a basement
With Legos to build

September 7 (Friday)

Joined a neat work thing
Volunteering to work more
Yep, I’m a smart one

September 8 (Saturday)

Tried another hike
Too toasty out today though
Poor kid cooked in bag

September 9 (Sunday)
Hi Doritos ‘chefs’
Son’s high-chair has weird flavor
Combos that you seek
#yum

September 10 (Monday)
My memory’s great!
*Checks phone to see what he did
…
One whole day ago*

September 11 (Tuesday)

Doing the right thing
While running toward raging hell
Brave souls remembered

September 12 (Wednesday)
Kid’s long lasting cough
Saw doc, got an inhaler
Hope it helps his cough!

September 13 (Thursday)
Cute, small instrument
Of awful, hated torture
Poor sweet little guy

September 14 (Friday)
My folks are in town
FOR A WILD WEEKEND OF …
You want take out?, or …?

September 15 (Saturday)

Son’s first swim lesson!
Wait, you’re giving instructions?!
He’s, um, a baby.

September 16 (Sunday)
Estes Park with folks
Sheesh, so many tourists here
(Yes, we’re tourists too)

September 17 (Monday)

Making faces now
Glance down, furrow brow, repeat
MAX adorable

September 18 (Tuesday)
End of release soon
Time for days and days of dull
Manual testing

September 19 (Wednesday)
Work event with beer
Then back to boring testing …
Eyes glazing in 3 …

September 20 (Thursday)

Hackathon at work
Small team, fast, frequent checkins
It was pretty fun!

September 21 (Friday)

Cousin visiting
Had dinner, sat and just talked
Sometimes simple’s best

September 22 (Saturday)

Wife and son at pool
While I go for a long hike
Miss my little fam

September 23 (Sunday)

Start day with a walk
The little guy LOVES airplanes
Spots them, points, and squawks

September 24 (Monday)

Halloween costume
My son will be an EWOK!!
So cute you could puke

September 25 (Tuesday)
Sleep’s FALLEN. APART.
Mom or dad rock, shush, cuddle …
Just makes us sleepy

September 26 (Wednesday)
Trump admin has helped
Me learn things that PISS. ME. OFF.
I’m with her, you ape.

September 27 (Thursday)
Kavanaugh hearing
It’s daytime TV drama
But real, and much worse

September 28 (Friday)
Independence starts …
Kiddo wants to feed himself
Or he’ll get FEISTY

September 29 (Saturday)

Swim lesson today
“Blow in their face and dunk them”
Dunked and … He’s nonplussed

September 30 (Sunday)

Hour and a half
Of snuggled up sleep with son
Beauty start to day

Parmamount Pictures has recently seized on an opportunity – rampant sex predators in Hollywood.

That’s right, this is an opportunity.

Check out that barrel at Wal-Mart, is that Cosby’s classic Ghost Dad sitting covered in dust? What about that stack of Unusual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey? And all those Woody Allen movies that are untouched … wait, no. People still like him? You guys know he … ah,nevermind.

Parmamount Pictures has taken the bold and money-grubbing chance to pair with some of your, the average American, FAVORITE restaurants!

Don’t like sleazeballs, but love Arby’s?

Checkout ghost dadour new version of Pay It Forward where Kevin Spacey’s face is replaced by an Arby’s bag! That’s right! Not only will this film no longer offend anyone, but it will also make you crave that sweet, sweet roast “beef.” Now that’s what I call tasty film watching!

Isn’t that Louis CK a riot? But wait, seeing him makes you angry, and hearing his voice doing THOSE kinds of routines (I mean, come on) makes you want to punch through a wall? Fear not! Because all of his comedy specials will be re-released with his image and voice replaced by … you guessed it! … Ronald McDonald!

(Honestly I have nightmares after watching a screening of this. But folks tell me it will sell, and profit is king.)

This winter cuddle up with a delicious bag of food that’s gotten cold on the drive home, and a favorite movie with no one* offensive in it!

*Parmamount Pictures is working on some predictive software to go ahead and replace approximately 68% of male stars in Hollywood.

Attn: Ellen (10/17/18)

Front

Ellen370a

 

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen370b

 

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I decided my dog is like a crazy scientist who has come up from her lab and is yelling about some potentially world-ending catastrophe and we’re like, “nah crazy scientist, that’s just the neighbor – you JUST saw him” and she’s like “RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!”

It’s charming.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

 

Music Monday

 

 

 

 

This playlist

All Music Monday songs in one playlist

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