The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Attn: Ellen (5/31/17)

Front

Ellen311a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen311b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

How many dates do you think have ended where the last thing said was just “ew?”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Music Monday

Tove Styrke – Say My Name

Big Wild – Aftergold feat. Tove Styrke

Kiesza – Hideaway (I dig the one shot nature of the video)

The Avalanches – Because I’m Me

P.S. See a playlist for this … here.

P.P.S. See a playlist for all Music Mondays … here.

Some Judgments

We here at DumbFunnery love a good ivory tower, and what good is having one if you’re not going to sit in it?
With that in mind, we decided to come up with a quick list of judgements for you and yours!
1 – Your pet turtle? Get rid of it.
2 – Your friend Gunther gets far too little credit for being a minimally functional adult named Gunther.
3 – Love, love, LOVE the last mistake you made. It was hysterical.
4 – You don’t think anyone is noticing how good you look today? You’re wrong, I noticed. And also my message board noticed. And I went ahead and put up some signs in my neighborhood, they have a picture of you and it says, “Missing – This Person” then underneath that it says, “how could you not? check out that bod.”
5 – Your weird business idea of an oatmeal taco truck/strip club called ho-oatmeal isn’t as bad as you think, but it would still fail.

Attn: Ellen (5/24/17)

Front

Ellen310a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen310b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if you were a Cleveland Cavaliers fan and you’re at a game and the crowd gets into it and starts chanting but you mess up royally and start chanting “let’s go calves.”

The stuff of nightmares.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Recently my wife and I got a letter from the HOA – our weed situation was apparently situation critical.

The letter stated, among other things, that rock beds must be free of weeds at all times. What.

I’m not going to lie, I really needed to go out and pick some weeds in the rock bed area in front of our house. In fact, I already had it on my to do list. But apparently one neighbor (we have our theories) found my pace of weed killing to be lax, so we were told on.

This really annoyed me … Possibly partially because I knew it was bad, but this just emphasized it. But also because, FREE OF WEEDS AT ALL TIMES?

The letter told me if I would not comply by X date then blah blah blah, serious sounding consequences. It also stated that I could submit a plan to the board for their discussion and approval.

This triggered a 13 year old desire to be a real jerk for no other reason than because I was feeling feisty. In the end, I began picking weeds the next day and have been tackling the whole yard one piece at a time. But, for my own pent up juvenile aggression, I would like to go ahead and respond to the HOA.

The title is one idea that I thought would be funny – go to the board in person and ask that question sincerely. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Here’s another idea:

Dear HOA,

Thank you for your recent letter about the dire weed situation. I have taken this under advisement, sought council, prayed, reflected, even sacrificed a small goat, and I have come up with a plan.

First of all, quick aside, do goat carcasses go in the green waste bin, or the regular trash bin? Surely they’re not recyclable?
  • Monday – pull one weed
  • Friday – check on the yard, see if the other weeds have gotten the message
  • (Possibly done at this point?)
  • Sunday – visit the one dead weed’s grave, leave some flowers
  • Following Monday – pull a different weed (although again, I must stress, I don’t think any of this will be necessary)
  • Following Friday – neighborhood BBQ! (You guys are totally invited! I just found a sweet looking BBQ shrimp recipe!)
  • Following Sunday – douse the rock bed area in gasoline, light it on fire

Please let me know if this will sufficiently kill the weeds, I imagine the fire will do the trick. I’ll make sure to have not one but two extinguishers on hand in case it gets out of hand. 

Thank you in advance.

DumbFunnery, homeowner

Canadian Goose

DSC_0036

French Canadian Goose

french canadian goose

Frankly I blame you for not seeing this joke coming.

Attn: Ellen (5/17/17)

Front

Ellen309a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen309b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I don’t know much about hockey, but I do like watching it.

With the playoffs going, I like to watch and make up fake slang to impress my wife.

“Oh yah, well he leaked the net real nice, basically re-doing the whole upholstery and all he’s got to show for it is a horse-sized vitamin, ya know?”

Neat, huh?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

%d bloggers like this: