The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘thief’

Executing the Plan

Here I am in the middle of my first mission with HURLY BURLY, this secretive and evil group bent on world domination BUT ANYWAY that’s not the point.

So here we were, right? We just stole this painting that had secretly encoded into it a pattern discovered by a 4th century Mongolian mathematician … Clive, I think? Wait that doesn’t sound right.

Anyway we were about to leave having TOTALLY just hijacked this painting and no one had heard a thing and it was, like, just perfect you know? And then this guy shows up and somehow he managed to be in shadows the whole time he walked in even though we all had flashlights.

Turns out it was the head of HURLY BURLY (our secret evil organization, remember?) and he began this long speech about how we had just taken a great step toward world domination and it was really exciting to have him be there and all but … I mean … shouldn’t we get going? Our plan is sort of falling by the wayside here, chief.

But then this guy, this member of the crew I was on, he piped up and said something smarmy about how he had already been taking steps for years and the chief just freaking shoots him!

Oh my God, it was terrible.

And then the chief says all nonchalant, ‘any more questions?’

But here’s the thing – I DEFINITELY have a question! Because I have to pee really, really, really badly and it’s like … how much longer you going to be speaking, chief? Because we’ve still got to sneak out of here undetected and there’s only so much focus you can put on sneaking when you’ve got a full bladder.

And! And! Now that I am thinking about my bladder I am not even hearing his motivational speech about world domination.

But like … please can you take questions? Can you give us some sort of, ‘and wrapping up …’ kind of indication in your speech? I mean I want to be a top player in HURLY BURLY and all but I also don’t want to pee myself in this museum with this crazy painting.

Ok well I should probably stop texting you I think the chief just noticed even though I totally have the screen dimmed way low.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

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Meanwhile, in an NES Game

– Honey … Do you hear that?
– Woah! Who is that coming to our house in the middle of the night?
– I don’t know, but I’m afraid.
– Don’t be, darling, I’m sure he won’t –
– He just walked in.
– Well, so he did.
– …
– …
– He just walked right by us!
– Is he … Is he going for our cabinets?
– What kind of person is this!? He’s just – wait he just took some of our food!
– Do something, dear!
– Do what!? Do you see that sword he has clipped to his side?
– Yes but … You could say something!
– He’s not coming for us, I say we just ignore it.
– Oh … He’s left.
– See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re just short some food, but we still have our lives.

(Some time later)

– He’s back!
– Ah! Maybe this time he’ll …
– Nope. He’s just gone and taken our food again.
– Sure enough.
– Why did you restock the pantry already!?

(Some time later)

– Swordy is back.
– Uh oh.
– You restocked the pantry again?
– The house feels incomplete if I haven’t!
– Ugh.
– You know I get the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually spoken to us before, but for some reason we can never remember and we end up saying the same things over and over to him so he just ignores us now.
– Right, like we don’t have any memory whatsoev … Are you restocking the pantry?
– Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I?

Category:

Short Short Stories

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