The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Weekly Wacko (8)

December 25, 2009

First … I posted this not on Friday like I usually do because … I went snowboarding for the first time! And I didn’t die!

A Christmas Miracle!

I think you can tell a lot about someone based on what they find funny. I’m not sure what this story will lead you to think about me, but I want you to keep in mind this. Yes, I was aware something bad was about to happen, and then I laughed when the bad thing happened … BUT the bad thing that happened, happened to my brother.

For Christmas Eve my family’s tradition when I was growing up was to open one gift. The gift would be hidden amongst all the other gifts under the tree, with something to mark for my Mom which one was the designated Christmas Eve gift – it sometimes took her a while to remember her own cryptic messages. Does the star mean it’s their main gift, or the Christmas Eve gift? When I was younger, my brother, sister and I would get a new pair of pajamas for the Christmas Eve gift. Now that I’m older, I figure this was to make us look more presentable for Christmas morning pictures/videos.

When I was in 7th grade, Christmas Eve finally came around. My family was sitting in the living room, about to open the one gift. The TV was probably just turned off, interrupting our watching of “The Christmas Story” or “Scrooged.” My brother popped up, said, “be right back,” and came back shortly with a glass of milk. He set this over his left shoulder, within easy reach.

We opened our gifts. I got some little thing that wasn’t exciting for a 7th grader, but was nice. My family went back to the TV and the night slowly came to a close.

When the next morning finally arrived, and we were given the green light to come into the family room – my parents liked to make us sit just outside the family room while my Dad turned on the camera. He wanted to capture our angelic faces as we sized up the Christmas loot.

My brother again disappeared and came back with a glass of milk. Strong, healthy bones on that one.

We all resumed the same seats we had the night before – a sort of unwritten thing we tended to do. As my brother was setting his glass of milk on the ground between his feet, I noticed something. He hadn’t put up his glass of milk from the night before. And, wasn’t this just so funny, he had unknowingly placed last night’s glass of delicious milk on a heater.

Somebody, not me or my brother, got up and started to distribute presents.

Then, an unexpected present.

My brother reached back, not down. Back, to the sat-on-the-heater-all-night-long milk.

Then he raised the glass up and, wow, not just a sip of milk, a swig, a gulp even (Snagglepuss, that one’s for you). His eyes practically popped out of his head as the taste hit him and he sprinted out of the room to spit the milk out into the nearest possible sink.

Around the same time he started sprinting, I started laughing. Everyone else was confused.

When my brother came back in the room he stared at me, realizing by my laughter I’d known.

This seems appropriately-brother-like for this to be (probably) my favorite memory of him.

Shalom to Christmas everybody! And shalom to you!

Category:

Weekly Wacko

2 Comments

Tagged with:

Shalom to Christmas

December 24, 2009

I submitted this poem for a contest with the Arizona Republic. The winning story (they said story, I and a few others said forget your story – we’re doing poems) was printed in today’s paper. I didn’t think my poem was all that good, but I couldn’t think of something I really liked. But maybe you’ll enjoy it more than I do.

Also, this is just so funny/cool to me. The neighbor was having yard work done. The guy doing the yard work? The Mayor of a nearby town, Eloy. How cool small-town kind of thing is that?! Seriously, he does the yard work alongside a few other guys … not some chump raking in the dough and managing. Anyway, Merry Christmas Folks!


Shalom to Christmas!

Christmas is tomorrow, which is very exciting
The good company, good food, good will and over-the-top (his electric
bill must be insane) good lighting.

But let’s not forget our Jewish friends, who just celebrated Hanukah –
Did you know it’s pronounced the same, but also spelled Chanukah?

And so, in the spirit of Christmas (you can define that as you will)
I’m writing this to teach you some Yiddish (I’m sure this is a joy for
you, a thrill).

Why do I think I’m the one to inform ya?
Well, it’s my moxy, my guts, my chutzpah!

Before you groan and roll your eyes and say,
“Who is this guy? I mean really, oy vey!”

Let me say I know a bisl about this
Which is a little, so it’s nothing to dismiss.

If you don’t own a Torah, then gather round, goyim
And read this (slant-rhyming at times) educational poyim.

This poem is somewhat long, so grab a little snack,
You can nosh on that food while this educational poem you attack.

(And I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll say it in parenthesis,
But you need to speak up for your dear bubbe, let grandma hear this with ease.)

Is your uncle telling that same story? What a meshugener.
He’s crazy!, he’s loony!, he’s nuts!, he’s, oh no, sitting by you for dinner.

Look at that loot under the tree, tomorrow it’ll fill you with pep
That is, until you travel home, when it’ll become just stuff for you to shlep

You can smell that honey-glazed ham, I think it’s about done –
Which is kosher for you, but not for everyone.

Just make sure whoever takes it out of the oven isn’t a shlemiel
They’d probably drop it, and then there goes the meal.

Oh, that’s cute – someone take a picture of grandpa with the grandkids
by the tree,
Yes, fine, I’m getting emotional, at Christmas I’m allowed to be shmaltzy.

Merry Christmas to you, and yours, and Mazel Tov in the New Year
You’ll need the luck to keep those resolutions (you’ll lose how much
weight?, get real).

Take in the scene around you, you’ll soon miss this
Let me say shalom to you and yours, and even shalom to Christmas.

(It’s a good thing this poem is done, the kids are all kvetching –
Which is a universal thing, yes you got it, they’re complaining.)

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Leave a comment

Tagged with:

De Jour of the Week (12/13/09)

December 20, 2009

12/13/09

My little work space is shared with a guy who has two (I think) little kids. And so I thought of the phrase “a parents work is never ending.” Which naturally led to this poem. Any time I can do a joke about “Mom – you don’t get me, I’m going to the mall” I’m happy. Hope you enjoy it.

A Child’s Work

A child’s work is never ending
Because rules aren’t good unless they’re bending
And threats aren’t worthwhile unless they’re rescinding

Oh yes, I know, I’ve heard it’s tough to be a parent
And with all your effort at the end of the day you’re just so spent
But give credit to those heaven-sent-demon-children who are so malcontent

Do you think it’s easy to make you worry 24/7?
NO!, You have to hate bike helmets, and cross-walks, and love late night trips to the 7-11,
While wearing that black t-shirt and those expensive jeans (you’re for all mankind, but not their wallets, right seven?).

Do you think it’s easy to roll eyes so much?
NO!, It takes hard work and planning and just the right touch,
And deliberately mentioning so and so and then getting angry when you bring up such and such.

Do you think it’s easy to spend that much time at the mall food court being moody?
NO!, Moody is very tiring and exhausting but it’s in this season, you see?
And when Becky told Lisa that Jimmy said hey to Claire it’s just – GOD you don’t GET ME!

Do you think it’s easy coming in four nights a week right after curfew?
NO!, You’ve said the curfew so many, many times forgetting it is hard to do
And then having to remember to say sorry sorry, and it’s nothing really but pretending to give much ado.

Do you think it’s easy asking one more time why that can’t be done (especially since kevin’s parents are cool and he’s going)?
NO!, Are you kidding? You’re kidding, right? You’re kidding. Why can’t you just – you’ve got to be kidding!
It’s very difficult to understand why you don’t get that the house party will have no alcohol/danger/that one friend/older kids/any kind of smoking.

Yes, a parent’s work is never ending
And your rules come from on high and your words of wisdom are so wise and your threats aren’t idle thumb spinning
But that’s only because a child’s work is ALSO never ending (and we’re much less forgiving).

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Leave a comment

Tagged with: