The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Awkward’

Weekly Wacko (14)

I’m a Dummy

If you’re a girl I know, you’re probably better off if I don’t find you attractive. My freshman year I was, at the very least, six kinds of googly eyed for a close female friend.

One day we were walking back to our dorm after lunch. A pretty commonplace thing. We reached the door and she put her hand on the door handle, waiting for me to scan my ID to unlock the door.

Suddenly – a thought came to me. This is the same exact thing that happens with me and my dog. My dog will go to the door and stare at it, and then if I don’t open the door soon enough she’ll look over at me. At that point I would always move my hand like I was about to open the door – seeing this my dog would again look straight at the door, waiting for it to open. Eventually she’d look slowly in my direction, giving me a look that said, ‘you are such a child.’

I wondered if my friend would do the same – would she keep her hand on the door, staring at it, waiting for me to unlock it?

She did. Eventually she looked slowly toward me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?,” she said, wondering what was so funny.

Why do I lie when I don’t need to, and tell the truth when I really don’t need to?

I answered, with a heartfelt smile, “you remind me of my dog.”

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Weekly Wacko (7)

Since it’s nearing Christmas it’s the perfect time to buy things for yourself while making it look like you’re a good person shopping for others. That’s the Christmas spirit.

How am I Single?

I wanted to buy a video game whose target market was probably a bit younger than me (one of those Legos games – the Star Wars one). I went to the video game store and browsed around so that it would not seem like I came there with Legos on the brain. I looked at a number of games and eventually picked up the game I had come there for.

I went to the register and ended up getting the ‘cute girl’ (video game stores always seem to have one of those as a way to remind nerds of their place – and that place is at home, not talking to girls). She looked around for the CD, found it and put it in the case.

Suddenly, I speak (I had not planned this), “that’s for my nephew … Christmas gift.” This was a lie.

“Do you want me to gift wrap it?”

“Oh, no, no, that’s ok … It’ll just delay him getting to play with it.” That’s a lie, unless you replace the word ‘him’ with the word ‘me.’

“It’s no problem at all, I’ll gift wrap it.”

I’m not sure what’s more pathetic – me unwrapping a gift from myself to myself, or me lying without meaning to.

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Weekly Wacko (2)

My junior and senior years of high school I consistently volunteered at a Youth Center at Hunter Army Airfield. I worked with elementary school kids, helping them to figure out their homework, or if they didn’t have any they would have me touch the ceiling (my lanky 6′3 frame was an easy source of amusement).

One of the employees at the Youth Center was Miss Grant. Miss Grant enjoyed having me around, and she was (as well as the other folks who worked there) great to work with. One day Miss Grant came up to me after I’d been helping some kids for a while.

“Well?,” she said, with a heavy dose of expectation on that word.

“Uh …,” I said, not sure what I’d missed.

She stared me down for a while, “aren’t you going to congratulate me?,” she finally said, again with the implication that I should be ashamed I hadn’t said anything first.

“Uh …,” I said, no less confused than before, but now feeling guilty.

She rubbed her belly.

“Uhhh …,” again, still unsure, but the way she rubbed her belly could only mean one thing, “you’re … you’re pregnant?! Congratulations!”

Trapped.

“WHAT?! I’m pregnant!?!”

Terror, fear, horror, guilt, worry.

“How dare you say I’m pregnant! I know I could lose some weight but -”

Then, she cracked up.

“That was fun,” she said, smiling, and walked away.

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