The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘girls’

My Zombie Roomy (9/15/11)

In light of my theoretically romantically involved Zombie roommate, I wanted to learn more about Zombie dating rituals.

I couldn’t find anything via, well, anything, so I turned to my (and everyone’s) favorite – fuzzy logic. I’ll use myself as the benchmark.

First, let’s take the facts.

I like food. The Zombie likes food.

I play video games or sports or watch movies when I’m bored. The Zombie stares listlessly. Or he eats humans.

When I’m upset I want to be alone (but really I also want people to reach out and try nice things). When the Zombie is upset he disappears for a few days (presumably to eat people).

When I like a girl I think about her and try (too hard) to be funny. When the Zombie likes a girl he gets batteries, sunglasses and condoms from Target.

See? Fuzzy logic! You’re with me, right?

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My Zombie Roomy

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Weekly Wacko (14)

I’m a Dummy

If you’re a girl I know, you’re probably better off if I don’t find you attractive. My freshman year I was, at the very least, six kinds of googly eyed for a close female friend.

One day we were walking back to our dorm after lunch. A pretty commonplace thing. We reached the door and she put her hand on the door handle, waiting for me to scan my ID to unlock the door.

Suddenly – a thought came to me. This is the same exact thing that happens with me and my dog. My dog will go to the door and stare at it, and then if I don’t open the door soon enough she’ll look over at me. At that point I would always move my hand like I was about to open the door – seeing this my dog would again look straight at the door, waiting for it to open. Eventually she’d look slowly in my direction, giving me a look that said, ‘you are such a child.’

I wondered if my friend would do the same – would she keep her hand on the door, staring at it, waiting for me to unlock it?

She did. Eventually she looked slowly toward me, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“What?,” she said, wondering what was so funny.

Why do I lie when I don’t need to, and tell the truth when I really don’t need to?

I answered, with a heartfelt smile, “you remind me of my dog.”

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Weekly Wacko

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