The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘video games’

Video Game Anger Scale

1. Playing a First Person Shooter (FPS) game online

Curse word every 25 seconds

You spawn and then get crushed by someone much better than you after you made the mistake of I don’t know … having signed into the game at all, I guess

 

2. Playing a sports game against the PC

Curse word every 4 minutes

You’ll do moderately well, then get too aggressive, and boom, the anger strikes

It is amazing, in a bad way (as in how old am I emotionally?) how angry I get when I am running at the opposing team’s quarterback and fly right by him … missing a golden opportunity

 

3. Playing Dark Souls or WoW

Curse tirade every 15 minutes

I never played WoW so this is a guess … But you do a lot of repetitive things, fighting guys you’ve already fought so you can handle them … Then here we go boss time and the curse words rain down

This one is maybe at the same level as a sports game because when the cursing DOES happen, it happens with gusto

This is similar to old NES or SNES games where you would get stuck on a level. You’d have to repeat all the same motions over and over til you got to that one part and … oh you’ve got to be kidding me I TOTALLY HIT THE JUMP BUTTON!!!

 

4. Playing a First Person Shooter in the story mode

Curse every 30 minutes

It doesn’t really matter, it seems like a lot of video games re-spawn you all the time so you just run back in guns a-blazing and enjoy knowing that it’s not some 12 year old punk crushing you. Or any age punk, because it’s an artificial intelligence.

 

5. Playing a game on your phone

Cursing … never?

I don’t know what it is, but if I lose at a game on my phone it doesn’t matter. Does the size of the screen keep me from getting frustrated? Is it that they are tiny little characters? Who knows, but keep up the good work non-anger-inducing phone games!

Meanwhile, in an NES Game

– Honey … Do you hear that?
– Woah! Who is that coming to our house in the middle of the night?
– I don’t know, but I’m afraid.
– Don’t be, darling, I’m sure he won’t –
– He just walked in.
– Well, so he did.
– …
– …
– He just walked right by us!
– Is he … Is he going for our cabinets?
– What kind of person is this!? He’s just – wait he just took some of our food!
Do something, dear!
– Do what!? Do you see that sword he has clipped to his side?
– Yes but … You could say something!
– He’s not coming for us, I say we just ignore it.
– Oh … He’s left.
– See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re just short some food, but we still have our lives.

(Some time later)

– He’s back!
– Ah! Maybe this time he’ll …
– Nope. He’s just gone and taken our food again.
– Sure enough.
Why did you restock the pantry already!?

(Some time later)

– Swordy is back.
– Uh oh.
– You restocked the pantry again?
– The house feels incomplete if I haven’t!
– Ugh.
– You know I get the sneaking suspicion that he’s actually spoken to us before, but for some reason we can never remember and we end up saying the same things over and over to him so he just ignores us now.
– Right, like we don’t have any memory whatsoev … Are you restocking the pantry?
– Yes, of course, why wouldn’t I?

Fill in the Blank – Battlefield 3 Style

I have been playing a fair amount of Battlefield 3 lately. It is a video game where you run around and shoot other players (or the AI if you’re doing single player). Unless you are me, in which case more often than not you are getting shot by other players.

The standard joke is that you are getting crushed by a bunch of thirteen year olds with too much free time. But, according to some articles the average gamer is older. (Common sense also says this … given that I’m a dude in his twenties who plays this game with co-workers.)

Losing in a video game can be frustrating – and my neighbors may think something insane is happening in my apartment. Here’s my guess of what they are thinking.

Me: “WHAT?! I TOTALLY SHOT YOU!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “HAHAHAHA DUUUUDE! I JUST CRASHED A JET INTO ONE OF THEIR TANKS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HOW DID I USE AN ENTIRE CLIP AND NOT HIT HIM ONCE!!!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me (just to mix things up): “THESE CUPCAKES I BAKED ARE DELICIOUS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, those cupcakes smell delicious.”

***

Curious why I waste my time playing video games? Sometimes I accidentally do something 1/10th this cool. That is still pretty dang cool.

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