The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘diapers’

Baby Prep

With a house that will ideally by graced by the presence of a baby, my wife and I are going to need to begin to prepare.

There’s the creation of a baby room: space themed? the less-often chosen egotism theme, complete with a framed poster of Ayn Rand and perhaps some gem quotes like “if you aren’t working, you aren’t contributing, and therefore you should be dead” … note, I don’t KNOW that she said that, but I feel like she probably did.

There are things to buy like a high chair, a stroller, a car seat, some of those glasses that make it look like your eyes are open so I can wear them at work, maybe a tape recorder with sayings to excuse my upcoming work sleepiness with phrases like, “hmm, I don’t understand this code, I better go lay down for a few hours to think about it.”

And then there are the practical every day changes that we need to prepare for – how to hold a baby without crushing it (they are squishy if memory serves correctly), changing diapers, feeding a thing that is prone to having things exit its body like it’s a very gross form of a pop goes the weasel toy but instead of the weasel popping out it is GOOD GOD THAT STINK CHILD, HOW?! HOWWWWW?!?

What are we doing to prepare?

Practicing changing diapers on each other

  • Will this ruin our marriage? Possibly.
  • Will it make door to door salesmen quit showing up? All but that one, George, and now he’ll be over all the time.
  • Will it result in top notch diaper changers? You bet.

Chewing slowly on foods, only to eventually let it dribble out with a smile

  • To truly understand a baby, one must drool like a baby

Buying ourselves adorable onesies

  • This is to better understand the baby, but also to attempt to offset the damage done by changing each others diapers
  • (Hint: It won’t offset it, but boy will we look cute!)

Got any other ideas? Advice? Fear-driven things to shout? Let me hear it below in the comments, on Twitter @DumbFunnery, or in an email at DumbFunnery@gmail.com. If blogs are one thing, they are a place to throw unsolicited advice about any and all topics.

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40 Years from Now

Shot of a vibrant green golf course, panning slowly to show a sand trap, trees lining the fairway, and finally in the distance we see a man, an old man hunched over with age, walking gingerly up to the tee.

Voice over begins as we zoom in toward the man.

I’m Michael Jordan, and I’ll admit, I’m a betting man.

As we continue to zoom you see Michael putting the golf ball on the tee.

For example, I had bet I wouldn’t live to be 94.

Michael starts standing back up.

I also bet Hanes I would never wear any of their incredibly comfortable, incredibly absorbent, and great-priced adult diaper underpants.

Michael is still standing back up, he’s pretty old you know.

But sometimes you lose your bets, and it’s when that happens,

Michael steps back from the tee.

That you really need some spending cash. Like, I’m willing to do any commercial kind of need.

Michael’s slow, graceful backswing begins.

I don’t even want to think about what kind of commercials I’d be willing to do if I live till 100.

Michael swings, connects with the ball, it zooms forward about 20 feet.

Anyway, these diapers are … (pained, sad noise) a real slam dunk.

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