The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (12/27/09)

12/27/09

I read this to my mom and she said “that’s scary.” And I said, “why’s that scary?” (I was going for funny, not fear.) Her response ended up making her “that’s scary” statement make SOME sense – but I honestly can’t remember it. Besides, who doesn’t love a good mystery?

Please Don’t Contradict Me When I’m so Clearly Wrong

Please don’t contradict me when I’m so clearly wrong
Just nod your head, say ‘mmhmm’, and play along

I’ve had a long day and I’ve thrown logic out the window
And if I say I want ice cream for dinner you say ‘let’s go’

I’ve mixed this up with that other thing
Don’t point out my error while smiling, grinning, smirking

You know darn well what I meant
Don’t point out the facts, your time could be much better spent

But don’t make the mistake of thinking I’m wrong often
I’m not, this is a hypothetical poem for that situation that’s if/when

In fact, now that I start to think about it – you’re wrong!
Who is so dumb as to not know by now to play along?
Sure, yes, I’m so clearly wrong
But you could’ve, should’ve, WILL HAVE TO learn to play along

Why aren’t you nodding your head and playing along?
CLEARLY I am once again spewing out falsehoods, fuzzy logic and all other things wrong

You’re smart at work, you’re smart at home – but maybe a little too smart
One plus one can equal three if I want it to, I know it in my heart

You remember that time I came home fuming and said ‘my boss is a jerk’?
And you said ‘well dear, last week you said your boss is the best part of your work?’
I mean really, honestly, your obliviousness was cute when it was a quirk
But if you don’t get with the program I’ll drop the q-u and it’ll just be an irk

Ok fine … I admit it … I’m sommmmmmmetimes wrong
And … I’d appreciate it if you could play along

I know your knowledge and corrections I should probably embrace
But honestly, I’d rather punch you in the face

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (12/13/09)

12/13/09

My little work space is shared with a guy who has two (I think) little kids. And so I thought of the phrase “a parents work is never ending.” Which naturally led to this poem. Any time I can do a joke about “Mom – you don’t get me, I’m going to the mall” I’m happy. Hope you enjoy it.

A Child’s Work

A child’s work is never ending
Because rules aren’t good unless they’re bending
And threats aren’t worthwhile unless they’re rescinding

Oh yes, I know, I’ve heard it’s tough to be a parent
And with all your effort at the end of the day you’re just so spent
But give credit to those heaven-sent-demon-children who are so malcontent

Do you think it’s easy to make you worry 24/7?
NO!, You have to hate bike helmets, and cross-walks, and love late night trips to the 7-11,
While wearing that black t-shirt and those expensive jeans (you’re for all mankind, but not their wallets, right seven?).

Do you think it’s easy to roll eyes so much?
NO!, It takes hard work and planning and just the right touch,
And deliberately mentioning so and so and then getting angry when you bring up such and such.

Do you think it’s easy to spend that much time at the mall food court being moody?
NO!, Moody is very tiring and exhausting but it’s in this season, you see?
And when Becky told Lisa that Jimmy said hey to Claire it’s just – GOD you don’t GET ME!

Do you think it’s easy coming in four nights a week right after curfew?
NO!, You’ve said the curfew so many, many times forgetting it is hard to do
And then having to remember to say sorry sorry, and it’s nothing really but pretending to give much ado.

Do you think it’s easy asking one more time why that can’t be done (especially since kevin’s parents are cool and he’s going)?
NO!, Are you kidding? You’re kidding, right? You’re kidding. Why can’t you just – you’ve got to be kidding!
It’s very difficult to understand why you don’t get that the house party will have no alcohol/danger/that one friend/older kids/any kind of smoking.

Yes, a parent’s work is never ending
And your rules come from on high and your words of wisdom are so wise and your threats aren’t idle thumb spinning
But that’s only because a child’s work is ALSO never ending (and we’re much less forgiving).

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (12/6/09)

12/06/09

Something where I’m not trying to be funny – weird (well, except one joke). Just so you know, I don’t consider myself a good Christian – but my chief beliefs as a ‘wish-I-was-better-Christian-slash-person-in-general’ are: 1) we’re all dumb; 2) try to be nice to everyone.

I’m Super, Thanks for Asking

There once was a man who was gay and Christian.
His ‘lifestyle’ made him worry of arousing suspicion.

Every day he was gay he was worried that was a sin
But he didn’t look without, instead he looked within

“Yes, I’m told that it’s wrong to think and be this way.
“But I’m nice, and I try to help people, and enrich others every day.

“And I volunteer with that group of single mothers from church.
“And when the pastor admitted he was addicted to porn I said he’s human, let’s not besmirch.

“And I go on group-church trips to help addicts back from the verge.
“And I talk to teens about love before lust, real feelings aren’t an urge.

“Sometimes I go with the church to the bad part of town to help the homeless (and they often take our help for granted).
“And I welcome back old members who’d been gone for a while, or folks from other churches supplanted.

“I’m not an expert on the Bible, so I don’t want to cherry pick lines
“But it seems we’re embracing the ’sinners’ without reserve, without motive, without fines.

“So why is it that so many feel what I’m doing is so wrong?
“When they’re so ready to help others but when it comes to ‘my sin’ they’re stringing us along?”

Christianity isn’t a hobby if it’s done right
It’s a trial (that’s impossible) to love all people all day and all night

Heavy drinking, out-of-wedlock, addicted, lying, idol-worshiping, money-seeking, gossiping, judging, and gay
Are the sinners you should love in your congregation today.

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