The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (11/30/09)

11/30/09

I dedicate this poem to anyone I’ve ever spoken to.

You’ve Got a Problem, But You Don’t Want a Solution

I may not be the best conversationalist
But I am a problem-solving specialist.
If you’re telling me about a problem for the sake of telling me about a problem – your point will be missed.

I’m sorry to state that’s just the way it is.
Problems and solutions go together like this and that and that and this.
And yet, here you are telling me all about what’s got you in a tizz.

You’re not respected at work,
Your girlfriend is a jerk,
You’re in shock, you can’t believe it, someone stole your lunch,
Your friend lied, you think, but it’s just a hunch,
Your dad won’t see a doctor about, well, whatever it is, nobody knows, because he won’t see a doctor,
Your test grade was low because you had a racist proctor,
Your friend isn’t returning your calls,
Your neighbor upstairs is, apparently, learning to dribble approximately two dozen basketballs,
Your cat is acting crazy,
Your husband’s far too lazy,
Your employees are for too inefficient,
Your boyfriend saw his ex and is now rather reminiscent,
Your wife is constantly on the phone,
Your dog buried your watch and brought you his bone,
Your ex keeps calling you,
Your child can’t possibly be your child with that attitude and, if you could call that a hairdo, that hairdo,
Your mother’s nagging is an art form,
Your roommate is living like he’s still living in a dorm.

Phew. Finally, you have to pause to catch your breath,
Thankfully, too, because my ears were almost listened to death.

I clear my throat with dignity,
I prepare my eloquent solution, so full of humor and wit and grace and elegance and fluidity.

“Thanks,” you cut me off before I can start with my brilliant solution,
“I just wanted to vent,” you say with such finality that that sentence itself becomes the resolution.

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De Jour of the Week (11/23/09)

11/23/09

I was thinking about debt, and marriage, and how great you look in those pants – and I wrote this.

Til Debt Do Us Part

What I hear about marriages these days is bringing me grief
50 percent ending in divorce is the going belief.

And again, if what I hear is, in fact, right,
Money is to be blamed for this pitiful plight.

I’ll be honest with you, I’ll be upfront,
I’m not married, and as far as age?, I’m just a runt.

But take a minute, and see what I have to say
If this isn’t informative, it at least rhymes … so yay?

Many years ago a marriage ending was a minor scandal
Something that brought shame and pain and other bad things that are so hard to handle.

At some point, though, the climate changed
And divorce went from ’scandal’ to ’something that can be arranged.’

Change isn’t bad, in fact it can be quite good
In many cases embracing it will enrich your livelihood.

But when the ‘d’ word enters into your thinking
It’s time to sit down, and do some re-thinking.

Arguments happen, people fight, tempers flare, ‘things’ are said
But remember, you got married til someone dies, not til your marriage is dead.

If you can’t let things go, and ‘divorce’ may enter the conversation –
Take my advice, and take a vacation.

‘Til death do us part,’ is awfully severe
‘Til debt do us part’ is fun, and I can get you a package deal.

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De Jour of the Week (11/15/09)

11/15/09

“As soon as the coin in the coffer springs, the soul from purgatory springs.” I remember that from European History class my junior year of high school, and I found a way to throw the phrase “coin in coffer” into something! Yeah nerd-ness!

An Ode to All Things but Expensive Things

If you open your eyes, ears, nose, hands, mouth and mind
A great many things you’re bound to find.
These things will range from terrible to amazing
Depending on your particular liking or disliking

Yes, I’m saying that you should even try the bad
Because good’s much better when it’s not all you’ve had.
You can’t have the Himalayas without terrible earthquakes
You won’t know the highest highs without heart breaks.

But, I’m afraid things aren’t as simple as what I’m saying
Because many things you can’t experience without experiencing paying.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a radical, some revolutionary,
Looking to turn the world upside rightside wrongside topsy turvy.

I’m just writing this to find some dear, kind, sympathetic soul
Someone who hears my plight and wants to make my life more full.
Can you believe, I haven’t once experienced the joy of owning a mansion
Or tasted ice cream so good that I embrace mid-section expansion?

I think it’d only be decent to let me drive some Italian-made car
Or at the very least let me sit and sip wine in some Napa valley bar.
I’d love to sit one day, and for you, write an ode to all things
But until your coin hits my coffer, this is my ode to all things but expensive things.

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