The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Du Jour of the Week’

De Jour of the Week (10/20/09)

10/20/09

My dad was never very big on compliments. I know this could sometimes drive my mom crazy, but it didn’t really affect me. Nevertheless, my mom felt it was necessary for my dad and I to connect on some deeper level. If I had to guess, I would imagine she gave my dad a big talk before they went to bed one night. She probably told him about how when they were dating in high school he would mention off-hand about how he wasn’t that close to his dad. She would then tell him how this made him feel when he was that young, and how he should try to learn from those lessons. There’s a good chance she would then, politely, inform my dad what he learned from those lessons. Unfortunately, even the best laid plans of mice and moms sometimes go awry. One morning, probably the very next morning after this talk, I was eating cereal and getting ready for school. My dad looked over at my mom, then down at me, and said, “your mom told me to tell you I’m proud of you.”

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Du Jour of the Week

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De Jour of the Week (10/12/09)

10/12/09

Nothing too good … wrote it during lunch break at work. boy it pays to sit alone and eat peanut butter sandwiches at my desk!!!

I’m Sorry

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry! I didn’t mean what I said when I said what I said.
Don’t you know you can’t trust a guy who’s fresh out of bed?
It was cruel and unusual, and it shouldn’t be usable.
But I said it
And regret it
And dread it
When it comes time for our next fight inevit.
If you could just forget the past hour,
And make your face un-sour?
Please? Don’t you have it in your power?
Well what about that time that you –
I shouldn’t walk down that road (it’s not right to do).
I made a mistake, a great mistake,
A groggy-eyed, slow-headed, sleep-filled mistake.
Haven’t you ever made a mistake?
But this isn’t about you it’s all about me –
And how I can make it up to you, my lovely,
My dovely, my all-around shmoopsy-woopsy-wovely.
What’s that? I didn’t make a sound? Not a word, not a peep?
I was still dreaming and whatever I said was said in my sleep?
Well … I’m feeling not quite like a sheep,
But sheepish
And I kinda wish
I hadn’t dished that dish.
Now you’re wondering what was said in my sleep,
And get real, sugar, because you won’t get a peep,
I’m as pure, clean, and innocent as a sheep.
But sometimes I act a bit sheepish.

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De Jour of the Week (10/03/2009)

10/03/2009

This is how I picture an interview going with myself and David Letterman, if I magically became very famous from this blog.

Dave (tapping pencil and looking at card with information about me on it): Our next guest has a website. A blog. Paul, you have a blog?

Paul (loud laugh): Blog!

Dave: Blog. Blog. Sounds like something you’d catch during spring break. Hey mom, hey uhh … hey mom, I … I got the blog.

Paul (loud laugh) (singing): I’m siiiiick with the bloooooog.

Dave (stares at Paul silently, then): Anyway, let’s welcome out our guest!

Me (nervous and excited): Hi! Hi! Thank you so much for having me! Wow!

Dave: So uhh … you got this blog, huh?

Me: Yeah! It’s a website I started to try and get my name out so –

Dave: Was it worth it?

Me (confused): What?

Dave: Was it worth it? Catching the blog? Was the girl pretty enough?

Me: Oh .. ha … yeah …

Paul (singing):  I should’ve used virus protection .. but now I got!, now i caught!, now I’m wrought! … with! … THE! … BLOGGGGGG!!!!!!

Me (stunned silence)

Dave (angry silence, staring at Paul)

Paul (grinning for God knows what reason)

Dave (clearing throat): So what do you do? Work over at that damn MTV?

Me: Uh … what?

Dave: Hey uh … hey ma … I got the blog.

Me (fake laugh, followed by an uncomfortable silence):  Um … so … I really want to get published, but that’s very tough to do so I decided to put up all these goofy, fun little things on this –

Dave (crazy, hacking coughing):…

Me (scared looking): …

Dave: Well, I think I just died a little bit.

Paul (big laugh)

Dave (doing the fake stretching thing so his arms look too long for suit): Wanna know why I coughed?

Me: Sure.

Dave: Not enough pilates. Hear that Paul?, I’m doing pilates.

Paul (excessively happy): Pilate blog!

Me (no idea what to say)

Dave: Pilate blog. Ploggy. Plog. Bilates.

Me: That’s pretty fun. I think you just came up with the next new trend.

Dave: You don’t have this at the music channel?

Me: Um … I don’t work for MTV?

Paul: MTV’s annual pilate blog festival!

Dave: We got a clip?

Me: … What?

Dave: You want to set up your clip?

Me: Ah … I don’t have a clip? If people want to go to my website it’s dumbfunnery.com … so … please go!

Dave (hacking cough): The swine flu’s got nothing on this blog. After the break we’ve got “glass box monks” – they’re gonna play some song or something.

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