The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘david letterman’

Punny Bear and Rymm Shaut

Work has been stressing me out lately – I’ve been working on this particular problem for a while and just can’t seem to get it solved. Trying very hard all day to solve a coding problem leads to very weird thoughts – like this short short story.

Punny Bear and Rymm Shaut

In 1931 the Ringling Brothers Circus was having a bad year. Everyone was having a bad year, but the Ringling Brothers did something nobody else thought to do – hire a bunch of alcoholic scientists to solve the problem.
The scientists were sent to a cabin and given three key items:
Paper.
Pens.
Booze. Lots of booze.

A year later the Ringling Brothers’ introduced Punny Bear. The world’s only talking bear.
Oh yeah, and when he does talk, it’s a pun.

An audience member would be invited from the crowd to come talk to Punny Bear. The master of ceremonies would have the audience member tell about some of their woes. The M.C. promised the bear wouldn’t attack, and would actually help.
The audience member would pore out their soul to Punny Bear. The bear would then stand up, look slowly around the crowd and say,
“I can’t bearrrrrrr it.”
The crowd ate it up. Old ladies cried, children giggled, middle-aged men smiled knowingly. This doesn’t make sense, but it happened.

After a few years the crowd got bored with the one-liner bear. They needed more. The alcoholic scientists had, on their own time, trained a monkey to do a rim shot. They reluctantly sold the monkey to the Ringling Brothers, who then claimed the monkey was Swedish and named ‘Rymm Shaut.’

A few years after that, Rymm Shaut and Punny Bear were missing.

It is believed they fell in love, got married, had plastic surgery, and now can be seen every week night as the bitter old married couple known to most as David Letterman and Paul Shaffer.

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Weekly Wacko (25)

Tomorrow E$ (the sister) and Pierre (the brotha’-in-law … cause he’s a black dude, get it?) arrive! We are heading to SOUTH by SOUTHWEST! I’ll try to post about that soon … I will eventually, it just may wait.

This Weekly Wacko is called ‘Do We Have a Clip? Let’s Show the Clip.’

My sister and I have our various talents. She’s a great people person. I’m tall.
One thing my sister and I are definitely great at is amusing each other. Probably more than I should admit, part of this comes because my sister is great at listening and I love to tell stories.
I mean – look, I have a blog dedicated to trying to get people to pay me to write down stories.
Vanity, I embrace you!

One day my sister and I arranged to meet with our cousin E (who has commented on this blog … because he’s awesome. But he doesn’t realize I’m a jaguar, so he’s slightly less awesome than he could be), and his wife L, for lunch.
On the drive to lunch my sister and I talked. A good idea came to us. I asked my sister,
“You know how on Letterman and other late night shows they always talk to the people before hand so they have these specific questions that lead to ‘spontaneous’ stories?”
My sister knew.
“Let’s do that!”
We each picked a few stories and had our go-to questions for each other. We would seem like such fun people!
“Boy! You guys are just so witty and fun and full of unique stories!” Everyone in the restaurant would say this after we finished our meal. You see, a few minutes into lunch people would all start to eavesdrop because listen to those story tellers go!
“Aww, shucks.” I’d say that as I looked at the bill, then at some of the other people in the restaurant, then back at the bill, then I’d raise my eyebrows, then back at other people in the restaurant.
Sandwiches are delicious. Free sandwiches are divine.
Didn’t Shakespeare say that?

We arrived and parked. A minute or two later cousin E and L did the same. Ready, set, lunch!
We took seats and began looking at the menu. After we ordered we began to talk, the usual, “so, how have you been?”
After we finished this we went into a temporary silence.
E$ sprung into action.
“So … I’ve been wanting to go to Best Buy lately.”
“Oh!” I said in a pathetic attempt to sound casual about it, “that reminds me …” E$ kept herself from laughing out loud, but definitely grinned big time.
I managed to keep a more straight face (remember, I dig the story-telling).
“The other day I was at Best Buy and I was just walking around and people kept looking at me when I’d walk by. I was pretty confused – why do people keep looking at me? I was heading back toward the bathroom when this guy says, “hello,” and I think he wanted to keep talking but I gave him a, “why are you saying hello to me?” look, then walked on by him. After I used the restroom I was washing my hands when I noticed. Oh crap. I’m wearing … a dark … blue … polo shirt. Like the exact same color as the Best Buy one …”
They chuckled. Not that good a story, but kind of funny.
“So yeah …” I continued, “someone probably got fired over that.”

Now, I want you to know, I included this story not because it’s that great but because this is a great idea!
Socially awkward people, cling on to this!
Go out there, grab a fellow socially awkward buddy, strategize, then hit the town! ‘Oh you and your friend are so funny! It’s like you guys sat around for a few hours and planned this whole back-and-forth conversation you’re having!’
Remember, it’s not lying if you change the topic instead of answering the question.

De Jour of the Week (10/03/2009)

10/03/2009

This is how I picture an interview going with myself and David Letterman, if I magically became very famous from this blog.

Dave (tapping pencil and looking at card with information about me on it): Our next guest has a website. A blog. Paul, you have a blog?

Paul (loud laugh): Blog!

Dave: Blog. Blog. Sounds like something you’d catch during spring break. Hey mom, hey uhh … hey mom, I … I got the blog.

Paul (loud laugh) (singing): I’m siiiiick with the bloooooog.

Dave (stares at Paul silently, then): Anyway, let’s welcome out our guest!

Me (nervous and excited): Hi! Hi! Thank you so much for having me! Wow!

Dave: So uhh … you got this blog, huh?

Me: Yeah! It’s a website I started to try and get my name out so –

Dave: Was it worth it?

Me (confused): What?

Dave: Was it worth it? Catching the blog? Was the girl pretty enough?

Me: Oh .. ha … yeah …

Paul (singing):  I should’ve used virus protection .. but now I got!, now i caught!, now I’m wrought! … with! … THE! … BLOGGGGGG!!!!!!

Me (stunned silence)

Dave (angry silence, staring at Paul)

Paul (grinning for God knows what reason)

Dave (clearing throat): So what do you do? Work over at that damn MTV?

Me: Uh … what?

Dave: Hey uh … hey ma … I got the blog.

Me (fake laugh, followed by an uncomfortable silence):  Um … so … I really want to get published, but that’s very tough to do so I decided to put up all these goofy, fun little things on this –

Dave (crazy, hacking coughing):…

Me (scared looking): …

Dave: Well, I think I just died a little bit.

Paul (big laugh)

Dave (doing the fake stretching thing so his arms look too long for suit): Wanna know why I coughed?

Me: Sure.

Dave: Not enough pilates. Hear that Paul?, I’m doing pilates.

Paul (excessively happy): Pilate blog!

Me (no idea what to say)

Dave: Pilate blog. Ploggy. Plog. Bilates.

Me: That’s pretty fun. I think you just came up with the next new trend.

Dave: You don’t have this at the music channel?

Me: Um … I don’t work for MTV?

Paul: MTV’s annual pilate blog festival!

Dave: We got a clip?

Me: … What?

Dave: You want to set up your clip?

Me: Ah … I don’t have a clip? If people want to go to my website it’s dumbfunnery.com … so … please go!

Dave (hacking cough): The swine flu’s got nothing on this blog. After the break we’ve got “glass box monks” – they’re gonna play some song or something.

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