The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Kevin Spacey’

Newly Remastered Movies From Parmamount Pictures!

Parmamount Pictures has recently seized on an opportunity – rampant sex predators in Hollywood.

That’s right, this is an opportunity.

Check out that barrel at Wal-Mart, is that Cosby’s classic Ghost Dad sitting covered in dust? What about that stack of Unusual Suspects, starring Kevin Spacey? And all those Woody Allen movies that are untouched … wait, no. People still like him? You guys know he … ah,nevermind.

Parmamount Pictures has taken the bold and money-grubbing chance to pair with some of your, the average American, FAVORITE restaurants!

Don’t like sleazeballs, but love Arby’s?

Checkout ghost dadour new version of Pay It Forward where Kevin Spacey’s face is replaced by an Arby’s bag! That’s right! Not only will this film no longer offend anyone, but it will also make you crave that sweet, sweet roast “beef.” Now that’s what I call tasty film watching!

Isn’t that Louis CK a riot? But wait, seeing him makes you angry, and hearing his voice doing THOSE kinds of routines (I mean, come on) makes you want to punch through a wall? Fear not! Because all of his comedy specials will be re-released with his image and voice replaced by … you guessed it! … Ronald McDonald!

(Honestly I have nightmares after watching a screening of this. But folks tell me it will sell, and profit is king.)

This winter cuddle up with a delicious bag of food that’s gotten cold on the drive home, and a favorite movie with no one* offensive in it!

*Parmamount Pictures is working on some predictive software to go ahead and replace approximately 68% of male stars in Hollywood.

5 Things to do When an Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

5. Shriek
Pretend you’ve just seen something scary and shriek. When the person attempts to follow your line of sight and sees that nothing is there, he or she will start again. Still insincere? Shriek again.

It could get tough coming up for reasons for your shrieking, or maybe, just maybe, this  insincere apologizer will deliver the goods.

4. Accept the Apology Without Being Genuine
Oh, what, you just think I’m being passive aggressive by suggesting this? Why don’t you come up with a list of five things to do then, genius.

3. Maintain Direct Eye Contact While Pooping Your Pants
This is unpleasant for you, which is why it’s ranked number 3, but it is also very unpleasant for that faux-apologizing fool in your life. Things could get messy, literally, if they catch on to what you’re doing and try to walk away. You’ll need to waddle after them while continuing to ‘let loose the dogs of war.’

On the plus side, this person is very unlikely to ever deliver an insincere apology to you again.

2. Tell Them You’re Worried They’re Not Being Sincere
Explain again what led to this apology being issued, and try to help them understand by gently putting them in your shoes, and then explaining why you felt hurt. This could help grow the communication channels between the two of you, and strengthen your relationship, but on the down side this option could lead to the two of you ending up in a montage-like sequence of hugs, laughter, high-fives, and cuddling with puppies.

1. Accept the Apology, Days Later Sneak into Their House, Murder Someone
It doesn’t even have to be the person who gave you an insincere apology, that’s what is great about this option. But on the negative side, you’ll be a murderer. Also, jail seems imminent.


Why would I have a picture of Kevin Spacey when talking about insincere apologies? Oh, who knows.

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