The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘list’

5 Things to do When an Apology Doesn’t Feel Genuine

5. Shriek
Pretend you’ve just seen something scary and shriek. When the person attempts to follow your line of sight and sees that nothing is there, he or she will start again. Still insincere? Shriek again.

It could get tough coming up for reasons for your shrieking, or maybe, just maybe, this  insincere apologizer will deliver the goods.

4. Accept the Apology Without Being Genuine
Oh, what, you just think I’m being passive aggressive by suggesting this? Why don’t you come up with a list of five things to do then, genius.

3. Maintain Direct Eye Contact While Pooping Your Pants
This is unpleasant for you, which is why it’s ranked number 3, but it is also very unpleasant for that faux-apologizing fool in your life. Things could get messy, literally, if they catch on to what you’re doing and try to walk away. You’ll need to waddle after them while continuing to ‘let loose the dogs of war.’

On the plus side, this person is very unlikely to ever deliver an insincere apology to you again.

2. Tell Them You’re Worried They’re Not Being Sincere
Explain again what led to this apology being issued, and try to help them understand by gently putting them in your shoes, and then explaining why you felt hurt. This could help grow the communication channels between the two of you, and strengthen your relationship, but on the down side this option could lead to the two of you ending up in a montage-like sequence of hugs, laughter, high-fives, and cuddling with puppies.

1. Accept the Apology, Days Later Sneak into Their House, Murder Someone
It doesn’t even have to be the person who gave you an insincere apology, that’s what is great about this option. But on the negative side, you’ll be a murderer. Also, jail seems imminent.

cucsnu0u

Why would I have a picture of Kevin Spacey when talking about insincere apologies? Oh, who knows.

Top 5 Places It’s Bad to be Tall

1. Airplane – this one is fairly obvious, airplanes are crammed for anyone, let alone Legs McGee over here. (This also applies to long road trips. If you’re flexible then you end up looking like a weird spider-human, legs sticking out all which ways (it’s creepy).)

2. Couch surfing – “I know the couch isn’t that long but you can curl up,” curl is the imperative word.

3. Public bathrooms – woe is you the day a fellow tall man walks in and you, having just stood up in a stall, make eye contact with him.

4. Any place older folks are (if you are not athletic) – no I didn’t play basketball, and yes I’d like to hear about how I am a waste of perfectly good height.

5. Cube farm workplace – where’s … Oh I see him. Also: be very cautious if you work with short folks who are fast walkers, you don’t want to round a corner and accidentally be an NHL enforcer board-checking them.

De Jour of the Week (1/17/11)

Top 5 Things Overheard Said by Mark Zuckerberg as He Fights Off Zombiepocalypse

5) “Poke this.”

4) “I don’t blame you – if I could clone me, I’d eat myself too.”

3) “Relationship status: Dead.”

2) “I’m taking back my friend request.”

1) “…Brainssssss…” **

**Note, the post name should be “as He *Tries To* Fight Off Zombiepocalypse”

*My co-worker L and I thought up this idea, and I thought it was pretty clever … but I guess with the same actor being the star (sorta) in Zombieland AND the Facebook movie, this thought probably occurred to many people.

I was going to fix up a photo of Zuckerberg, but then I saw the above image and thought it was somewhat funny. Plus the site has some good ‘posters.’

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