The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘neighbor’

Duggar Family Neighbor

My name is Bob Santos, I live next door to the Duggars, and here are some of my journal entries.

June 26 – I hate my realtor. He knew. He definitely knew. And he scheduled a showing for me at this house while that damn family was on vacation. ‘Why has this place been on the market for 726 days?’ I asked, ‘oh, sometimes people just don’t know a good thing when they see it!’ I hate him.

July 2 – It’s like Lord of the Flies next door, I swear to God they use an honest to goodness conch shell to call for dinner time. Do they eat out of a trough? How does that work even?

July 15 – I was convinced the parents didn’t even teach all of their children to speak. I thought they had a series of mildly sophisticated grunts that they used. I just kept hearing these series of grunts out of one of the windows that’s always open and it seemed a logical conclusion. But then I realized it is just a bathroom, and there is a constant stream of someone pooping. WHAT ARE YOU FEEDING YOUR CHILDREN!? Those poor souls need more
fiber.

August 1 – Took a two week vacation … burned all of my hours already this year. I just had to get away. On the plus side, I came back and there was a note from the Duggars welcoming to the neighborhood. The signatures from all those kids made me picture the bottom of the Declaration of Independence.

August 7 – I was barbecuing out back when one of their kids, who knows which one, popped his head up and said, ‘I smell meat.’ Then he turned his head in my direction and sniffed while staring at me. I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

August 15 – Apparently burning your own house down for insurance fraud is difficult to successfully do. I’ll keep researching though.

August 22 – I think the older demon spawn are at school finally. Oh no. You don’t think the parents are going to use this as an opportunity to make another one? Please no.

August 29 – One of the kids invited me to dinner at their house. I am conflicted. If you could, would you take a brief trip to hell to see what it’s like?

August 30 – I am reminded of Colonel Kurtz. The horror. The horror. We had spaghetti for dinner. I brought a bottle of wine. I drank 3/4 of it.

September 7 – House is on the market. I’ll take the loss.

duggar-family-disowned-daughter-3

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Hey Neighbor

Hey neighbor,

I wanted to write a note to say thank you again, and also to apologize. (aka my wife told me to – just kidding!, I really did want to.)

It was great of you to invite us to your home, and what a great way for your family to meet the neighborhood! I should not have said “woah, Stockholm Syndrome is really effective!” when you introduced me to your spouse. As I’m sure you’re aware, not everyone gets hung up about looks.

Your story about high school and being the student council president and what you learned from that experience was sensitive, touching and great. With time I have come to the realization that I should have expressed my sympathies rather than making a joke. Then again, sometimes a joke can lighten the mood, and I bet even you would have laughed if you’d have gotten the joke.

You see, Danny Devito is an actor and veto means to reject something, so when I said, “did you DeVeto that?” I was implying you’re like Danny Devito. That’s a compliment, he’s famous you know. And yes, obviously I know you’re a woman! Or, if I didn’t, I do now. Just kidding!

Your neighbor,
Doug

P.S. My wife has advised me that this letter may be just as offensive as I was at your party and that I should not send this … BUT, to be honest, it’s probably just going to get more creatively mean the more I try.

P.P.S. I look forward to your next party!

Talking About My Neighbors Like They’re Movies

Neighbors, huh? They’re all over the place these days – and that can be a good or bad thing. Since leaving college I haven’t really befriended any of my neighbors. I say hello and such, but I don’t really interact with them.

I do notice them though, and judge them from a distance.

Missing: Father, Found: Dog

Julia knew she wasn’t ready for a dog, but not being ready for something big in her life hadn’t stopped her before … and that turned out to be the most beautiful decision of her life, Lucy. With such love, why are Julia and Lucy fighting so much? Missing: Father, Found: Dog is the beautiful coming of age story of Lucy, who has to deal with high school, boys, her mom’s overbearing self, and the fact that her dog just pooped on the sidewalk.

Will puppy love restore lost mother-daughter bonds, or will the new pooch rip holes in their relationship, like she did in the curtains.

It’s a heartfelt roller coaster that’ll have you reaching for tissues, and hugs. I’d see it again, but only after I stop by the SPCA.

Miss Wynter

“Four years. Four years.” That’s Miss Wynter’s mantra. It’s four years until she can retire from teaching those bratty, smelly, germ-infested punks other people refer to as fifth graders.

She hadn’t always been this way, as Miss Wynter puts it, “I used to be young, and stupid. Now I’m old, and it’s 3:22 so I’m going home.”

In this dark comedy watch as Miss Wynter takes care of her lawn, and neglects the kids. It’s fun for the family! Assuming you hate your kids.

Medical Gloves

Apples, bananas, cereal, oatmeal, pasta, pasta sauce, orange juice, toothpaste. Hank’s grocery list read like anyone else’s. Although he always left off one item. He left it off because he knew he was going to buy it.

Latex gloves. Medical gloves. Those “powder free” blue ones. “Natural” Latex gloves. Each store had a different take on them, and he knew them all. He was smart. He never bought from the same store twice in a row. It might raise questions.

Hank didn’t like questions.

When Hank’s neighbor walked by and gave a questioning glance at Hank cleaning his car with a pair of his gloves, Hank didn’t like that. He thought the neighbor might start asking questions.

Hank decided to be proactive this time. He preferred it when he was being proactive.

Hank will do … anything … to stop questions.

(Seriously one of my neighbors cleans his car, his crappy old car, with latex gloves. It’s very off-putting. Also, he drives really slowly. This doesn’t mean anything, it’s just annoying if we’re leaving the apartment complex at the same time.)

Fill in the Blank – Battlefield 3 Style

I have been playing a fair amount of Battlefield 3 lately. It is a video game where you run around and shoot other players (or the AI if you’re doing single player). Unless you are me, in which case more often than not you are getting shot by other players.

The standard joke is that you are getting crushed by a bunch of thirteen year olds with too much free time. But, according to some articles the average gamer is older. (Common sense also says this … given that I’m a dude in his twenties who plays this game with co-workers.)

Losing in a video game can be frustrating – and my neighbors may think something insane is happening in my apartment. Here’s my guess of what they are thinking.

Me: “WHAT?! I TOTALLY SHOT YOU!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “HAHAHAHA DUUUUDE! I JUST CRASHED A JET INTO ONE OF THEIR TANKS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HOW DID I USE AN ENTIRE CLIP AND NOT HIT HIM ONCE!!!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me (just to mix things up): “THESE CUPCAKES I BAKED ARE DELICIOUS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, those cupcakes smell delicious.”

***

Curious why I waste my time playing video games? Sometimes I accidentally do something 1/10th this cool. That is still pretty dang cool.

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