The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘movie’

So … Here’s Some Art For Ya

In 1976, the twenty-six-year-old Belgian director Chantal Akerman returned to New York – the site of her wanderings earlier in the decade – to make “News from Home,” a serene and monumental time capsule of Manhattan streetscapes and subways. Akerman transformed her luminous, textured images of the city’s rectilinear majesty by means of a simple yet radical gesture: she paired them, on the soundtrack, with her own reading of newsy and needy letters that her mother wrote from their home town of Brussels.

The New Yorker

Other feature films that Akerman was rumored to have considered:

  • Beautiful shots of city basketball courts, paired with a recording of husky breathing by her aging grandmother
  • Picturesque desert sunsets, with superimposed images of skyscraper construction sites, and paired with a looped recording of a mom asking, “Say cheese! … Wait is this on movie mode? How do I make this take a -“
  • A split screen view with one side having breathtaking footage of Yosemite Natural Park, and the other side a small but busy barbershop, paired with flopped Rodney Dangerfield jokes
  • Vignettes of stray city cats paired with a doting father’s advice and lessons teaching a son or daughter how to drive a car

Action Movie Results

There’s an app called “Action Movie” which is delightful because it allows you to blow stuff up. Here, check it out!

Also, great news, my YouTube page got all the dumber because of these uploads!

Goodbye, Homework!

Traffic is the … WOAHHH! (Awful, I Know)

Sayonara Buc-Ee’s!

P.S. The thing I think the app is best for is to take a movie of a car that has parked just AWFULLY. You know, oozing all over a second lane.

Slow Motion Girl’s Big Break

(Ring … ring … ring …)
Dad: Hey Lisa, how are you!?
Lisa: Dad! I’m GREAT!
Dad: Wow, you do sound excited! What’s got you in such a good mood?
Lisa: (Giggles) Well … Want to grab mom?
Dad: That big, huh!? Yeah, I’ll grab her. Julie! … JULIE!
Lisa: Dad the house isn’t that big, you can just –
Dad: JULIE!
Mom: What?
Lisa: … (Exhales)
Dad: Lisa’s on the phone! She’s got great news!
Mom: She’s got great booze? Hold on, let me pick up the phone.
Dad: Mom wants to know if you have great booze.
(Click.)
Mom: Hello?
Lisa: Booze?
Dad: Hey! Everyone’s here!
Mom: You called home to talk about booze?
Dad: Is that your news? News about booze?
Mom: Honey are you ok?
Lisa: Agh! Stop it! No! I have great NEWS.
Mom: Ohhhh … Good … And it’s not about booze, right?
Lisa: No, mom, it’s not about booze.
Mom: Good.
Lisa: Ok … ready?
Mom: Yes!
Dad: Yes!
Lisa: I … am … going to be … in a BIG BUDGET MOVIE!!
Mom: That’s GREAT!
Dad: All right!!!
Lisa: I know! I’m super super excited! It’s an Adam Sandler movie, so it’s not like it’s the brainiest thing ever but –
Dad: Oh he’s famous!
Mom: Yeah, I’ve heard of him! He’s very famous!
Lisa: Yeah, he’s famous, I mean, it’s not like it’s an intelligent movie or anything –
Dad: Is it Happy Gilmore?
Mom: Oh, Happy Gilmore Two? Happy Gil-even-more?
Dad: Oh I like that! Are you his daughter?
Lisa (Annoyed)… Can I talk? Please?
Dad: Yes. Sorry.
Lisa: … Ok … So … It’s just a small role, but I’m going to be in the COMMERCIAL for the movie too! How crazy is that!?
Dad: Wow! Honey, that is SO GREAT!
Mom: We are SO proud of you, darling!
Lisa: Thanks guys!
Mom: So what role do you play? Do you have to go … what’s it called … study someone and learn to be like them?
Lisa: Um … well … I think it’s more … Hollywood is tricky, you know? Like you do something that’s pretty trivial, (speaking very quickly) and maybe a little bit demeaning, and then all the sudden you’re KNOWN! And you get a little bit better role next time! And the time after that! And soon you can be choosy!
Dad: …
Mom: … Honey, what kind of movie did you say this was?
Lisa: It’s a comedy! I just …
Dad: What’s your part in the movie?
Lisa: (Big sigh) I um … I jog by … In slow motion and …
Dad: …
Mom: …
Lisa: Um … and I … just … look like … a lady.

Really, how does this conversation go?

Talking About My Neighbors Like They’re Movies

Neighbors, huh? They’re all over the place these days – and that can be a good or bad thing. Since leaving college I haven’t really befriended any of my neighbors. I say hello and such, but I don’t really interact with them.

I do notice them though, and judge them from a distance.

Missing: Father, Found: Dog

Julia knew she wasn’t ready for a dog, but not being ready for something big in her life hadn’t stopped her before … and that turned out to be the most beautiful decision of her life, Lucy. With such love, why are Julia and Lucy fighting so much? Missing: Father, Found: Dog is the beautiful coming of age story of Lucy, who has to deal with high school, boys, her mom’s overbearing self, and the fact that her dog just pooped on the sidewalk.

Will puppy love restore lost mother-daughter bonds, or will the new pooch rip holes in their relationship, like she did in the curtains.

It’s a heartfelt roller coaster that’ll have you reaching for tissues, and hugs. I’d see it again, but only after I stop by the SPCA.

Miss Wynter

“Four years. Four years.” That’s Miss Wynter’s mantra. It’s four years until she can retire from teaching those bratty, smelly, germ-infested punks other people refer to as fifth graders.

She hadn’t always been this way, as Miss Wynter puts it, “I used to be young, and stupid. Now I’m old, and it’s 3:22 so I’m going home.”

In this dark comedy watch as Miss Wynter takes care of her lawn, and neglects the kids. It’s fun for the family! Assuming you hate your kids.

Medical Gloves

Apples, bananas, cereal, oatmeal, pasta, pasta sauce, orange juice, toothpaste. Hank’s grocery list read like anyone else’s. Although he always left off one item. He left it off because he knew he was going to buy it.

Latex gloves. Medical gloves. Those “powder free” blue ones. “Natural” Latex gloves. Each store had a different take on them, and he knew them all. He was smart. He never bought from the same store twice in a row. It might raise questions.

Hank didn’t like questions.

When Hank’s neighbor walked by and gave a questioning glance at Hank cleaning his car with a pair of his gloves, Hank didn’t like that. He thought the neighbor might start asking questions.

Hank decided to be proactive this time. He preferred it when he was being proactive.

Hank will do … anything … to stop questions.

(Seriously one of my neighbors cleans his car, his crappy old car, with latex gloves. It’s very off-putting. Also, he drives really slowly. This doesn’t mean anything, it’s just annoying if we’re leaving the apartment complex at the same time.)

How to Make a Keanu Reeves Worthy Plot

Pick a word for each of the following categories:

  • Energy source (i.e. gasoline, hydroelectric, solar, etc).
  • Synonym of hug.
  • Method of transportation.
  • Weather word (i.e. stormy, windy, sunny, etc).
  • Food item.
  • Blue collar job.
  • Nickname that you would call someone when you know that you should know their name but you forgot it (i.e. sport, buckaroo, buddy, etc).

Keanu Reeves stars in this summer’s BEST ACTION FLICK.

(Energy Source + Hug Synonym)

Keanu Reeves Stars as (nickname for person you should know) Jones, a nice guy who loves his (blue collar job) and his simple life. And then (food + weather word) comes along and DESTROYS HIS WORLD. With his world destroyed, (nickname) Jones turns to drinks. He is drinking himself into oblivion when he stumbles on the secret that (food + weather word) didn’t just happen on (nickname) Jones. He was chosen.

Drunkenly (nickname) Jones announces his intentions to stop the evil (food + weather word) to his favorite watering hole and heads home. When he wakes up in handcuffs next to Chesty “Heart of Gold” McBarback, another victim of (food + weather word)’s, you know it’s on. Now it’s up to (nickname) Jones and Chesty to get to the bottom of (food + weather word)’s scheme – without getting themselves killed.

Did we mention there will be exploding (method of transportation)? And Chesty, don’t forget about her.

Fin.

Post the fill in the blank words you picked! What do you think, Keanu?

My Zombie Roomby (11/29/10)

SCORE!

Usually when I’m doing a video for my blog the Zombie seems to get a little disgruntled and he leaves. I figured he just thought/knew that if he saw me making one of those videos he’d lose all respect for me.

I figure that because the same thing happened to myself (I caught a look at myself in the mirror … mistake.).

Anyhow.

Today, for whatever reason, the Zombie stuck around.

Even more?! I think he may actually be down for doing a video with me!!! Stay tuned folks, this could be good.

Or not.

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