A new life milestone for myself, and much more physically impacting for my wife, we will be parents! Woah!
Aside from that big milestone there are other ones that accompany it: first baby outfit purchased (see below), first time saying goodbye to money for the next X years (where X equals a number I don’t want to think about).
Goodbye money, hello adorable clothes that will be usable for less time than I sometimes wear one pair of socks in a sitting. (Just kidding, you hope.)
It occurs to me that Hollywood may be seen as a place that lacks creative influx. That is shy the courage to be truly innovative or out there. There is noticeable reward for using tried and true ideas: those are where profits sit. But people fail to jump on board 100% because some people want to sit back and bash Hollywood for a lack of newness.
Don’t worry Hollywood, Joe Complainer, I’ve got everyone covered.
A Tarzan reboot (you’re welcome Hollywood) starring Will Ferrell as the title character (you’re welcome again Hollywood) BUT (you’re welcome creative-seekers) there’s a twist.
Instead of a boy being raised by apes in the jungle, this man was raised by porcupines in some weirdos backyard. One of those people who has a lot of animals and a big ranch.
The person, played by Will Ferrell, will be Johnathon P. Prickles, and boy will he ever be … prickly. I know, that joke was obvious, but I think a lot of people like obvious jokes.
This movie will have everything:
- Will Ferrell doing his sudden overreaction screaming thing even though it’s not that big a deal
- A grown man being prickly
- Baby porcupines in a rap battle with a baby Will Ferrell (CGI baby with Will Ferrell’s adult head)
- Betty White as the owner of this ranch
- An important lesson about drug addition (but don’t worry, there will be jokes that belittle alcoholism – you can’t be too sensitive)
- Partial male nudity (but only in the deleted scenes on the DVD, and it’ll be a gag reel of the director showing up on set naked)
- And that director’s name? Woody Allen
There you have it, Hollywood, America, everyone wins.
“Scene 247, Take 32, I um, … well, what can I say? A dog pants, I don’t.” – a naked Woody Allen