The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘pun’

Dad Jokes – Camping Style

The tent is set up. Your family is nestled in for the night. Somewhere nearby an owl says, ‘who-who! … who-who!’
You say, ‘it’s me. Dave.’
Your family groans.
The owl pipes up again, ‘who-who! … who-who…who!’
You sigh with frustration, ‘I just … told you. Owl.’

Your family is hiking, dawn is right around the corner and you spy a field full of deer. Gathered there in the pre-dawn light they are a majestic sight. Their rituals have existed long before you, and they will continue when you’re dead.
You say, quietly, to your spouse, ‘hey deer?’
She shakes her head. She knows where this is going.

Someone in your family has accidentally forgotten to put some food item in the bear box. A bear has wandered into your campsite and, after consuming the scrap you left out, has wandered into a neighboring campsite and mauled a camper. Seeing the mangled corpse and a trail of blood you cover your children’s eyes and whisper, ‘unbearable.’

Your children have insisted that they each want their own tent, and for some reason you decided to comply instead of forcing them to be uncomfortable in an effort to build their character. And yet, despite having their own tents your children still begin to bicker with each other. You shake your head and say to them lovingly, ‘you kids are in tents.’

Your spouse has divorced you because the awful jokes were slowly driving a wedge into your relationship. Wracked with grief and rage you buy all of the junk food you can fit in a shopping cart, and then drive into the woods. It’s 7:42 am and you are halfway through your chocolate mousse when an actual moose appears in front of you. You stare off in the distance, wishing you hadn’t wrecked your marriage before you begin mumbling endlessly to yourself, ‘mousse, moose … mousse, moose …’

two people lying inside tent

Photo by Teemu R on

Steffi Graf

Ugh. Just imagine.

There you are, a mathematician. And you’re out at some bar where your friends dragged you (and you were all like, but guys if I wanted to asymptotically approach having a relationship I’d call my parents!!! LOL!!!) and then whoa. Is that? Can it be?


It’s Steffi Graf.

Also for the sake of this story let’s say it’s like 1987, her freaking breakout year.

Anyway she comes up to YOU. Yes, YOU. And she’s like, hey.

And you’re like, woah!, it’s you!, can you sign this?

And she’s like *draws a sin wave*.

HEART EXPLODES. It’s a year later, you’re married. She’s an all star, you’re just a mathematician, right?

Ugh. So lame.

But wait, you’re part of a cutting edge research team. And you’re researching


And you’re graphing the results. Wait, what? Is that the Nobel committee knocking, too?

You’re seriously getting a Nobel for your creation of the STEPHI GRAPH!?!

And you take it home to your wife, Steffi Graph, and you’re like, ‘BABE! LOOK!’

And she’s like, ‘how many times do I have to tell you, my name is spelled with F’s you moron.’

Oh man. Wouldn’t that be the best!?

man old depressed headache

Photo by Gerd Altmann on

Here’s the Thing



The lady of the house and I chit chatted a bit after visiting some friends. They had hanging on their walls some neat things they had drawn and I thought, “hey, I could do that too!” I saw this cartoon online and was inspired – I’ll draw the same! Perfecto. It’s a pun, it’s dorky, and it is not too shabby a drawing!

The problem is, this is the limit of my skill set. Another drawing I wanted to do was a bear on his hind legs with a hand over his face, and under it’ll just say ‘unbearable.’ Dorky, I know, but that’s the idea. I spent some time trying to draw a bear and …

Now I’m trying to think of dorky puns that can be jokes in the form of a drawing, and they have to be simple at that. A tall order, my friends.

If you’ve got an idea, please feel free to share it with me!

Attn: Ellen (8/5/15)


Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Do you think there is a group of dreamy-eyed surfer guys from California who are also huge One Direction fans that call themselves the One-Dir Brahs?

Sincerely, OR

Why am I doing this?

Attn:Ellen (6/19/13)


Ellen DeGeneres Lion

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Why are lions so religious?

Because they prey as a family!

That’s the joke I’d tell to cause this lion to make that face. Then he’d probably maul me. (Leading to joke 2, “what are you, lion, my teenage kid? I’m sick of being mauled!”)

Ever so sincerely,


Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (12/15/10)


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

This may or may not be from outer space.

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen.

You just got mooned!!

BWAH HA! So funny.


[P.S. I realized after I wrote this that I sent another of the SAME(ish) postcard … this one I bought at Kennedy Space Center. The other one I bought at Johnson Space Center. Anyway – the joke is so dumb that I find it funny. My sincere apologies for the repeat(ish) postcard, Ellen.]

Punny Bear and Rymm Shaut

Work has been stressing me out lately – I’ve been working on this particular problem for a while and just can’t seem to get it solved. Trying very hard all day to solve a coding problem leads to very weird thoughts – like this short short story.

Punny Bear and Rymm Shaut

In 1931 the Ringling Brothers Circus was having a bad year. Everyone was having a bad year, but the Ringling Brothers did something nobody else thought to do – hire a bunch of alcoholic scientists to solve the problem.
The scientists were sent to a cabin and given three key items:
Booze. Lots of booze.

A year later the Ringling Brothers’ introduced Punny Bear. The world’s only talking bear.
Oh yeah, and when he does talk, it’s a pun.

An audience member would be invited from the crowd to come talk to Punny Bear. The master of ceremonies would have the audience member tell about some of their woes. The M.C. promised the bear wouldn’t attack, and would actually help.
The audience member would pore out their soul to Punny Bear. The bear would then stand up, look slowly around the crowd and say,
“I can’t bearrrrrrr it.”
The crowd ate it up. Old ladies cried, children giggled, middle-aged men smiled knowingly. This doesn’t make sense, but it happened.

After a few years the crowd got bored with the one-liner bear. They needed more. The alcoholic scientists had, on their own time, trained a monkey to do a rim shot. They reluctantly sold the monkey to the Ringling Brothers, who then claimed the monkey was Swedish and named ‘Rymm Shaut.’

A few years after that, Rymm Shaut and Punny Bear were missing.

It is believed they fell in love, got married, had plastic surgery, and now can be seen every week night as the bitter old married couple known to most as David Letterman and Paul Shaffer.

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