The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘review’

Disney Review Puns

Robin Williams is great as the genie, it’s like I was in an AladDIN of laughter!

Snow WHITE ON!

This film was Little MerMAID to have you learn to love again!

I’d be a lyin’ king if I didn’t tell you how I just love The Lion King!

It’ll Poca-Haunt-U if you don’t see Pocahontas!

You know, Lilo & Stitch wasn’t that good.

L. Ron Hubbard

Under the Black Ensign

And who could resist this galavanting pirate?

Recently I read a “pulp fiction” story by L. Ron Hubbard called Under the Black Ensign. Pulp fiction stories are like Indiana Jones movies – fast-paced, fun adventure stories with usually a hero and a predictable love story. If you want to read something fun, and don’t feel like thinking, pulp fiction is there to satisfy that need.

I did not pick up the book because I wanted to read some golden age pulp fiction, but instead because it was written by L. Ron Hubbard. If he’s good enough to start a religion, he’s good enough to warrant reading a 50 page story.

The story was pretty decent – I think if I was 10 and it was a cartoon I would’ve enjoyed it. And I certainly read it very quickly, which is another good sign. The most interesting part of the book was the brief biographical piece about L. Ron Hubbard at the end of the book.

Pulp Fiction's Golden Age

Gotta catch ’em all!

This book was published along with a number of other classic L. Ron Hubbard pulp fiction pieces. I would imagine each of them has this same amazing biographical note.

Instead of reviewing the book, I will review the biographical note.

“L. Ron Hubbard and American Pulp Fiction”

If you are familiar with The Office and Michael Scott’s fictional and idealized version of himself, Michael Scarn, you may have an idea how this “biographical” piece will read.

While it is understandable to have self-congratulations in a brief author bio, this one comes on a little strong. For example, most author bios are a paragraph or two, and this one is nine pages.

Maybe it is a bad idea to criticize him, because other critics have been addressed:

“His [L. Ron’s] first Westerns were soundly rejected as lacking the authenticity of a Max Brand yarn (a particularly frustrating comment given L. Ron Hubbard’s Westerns came straight from his Montana homeland, while Max Brand was a mediocre New York poet named Frederick Schiller Faust, who turned out implausible six-shooter tales from the terrace of an Italian villa.)”

I feel it is only fair to turn a fairly critical eye to the founder of a religion. Other religions should be glad that figures who authored such important pieces were alive so much longer ago, so that followers of those religions wouldn’t have to think, “sure, the religion stuff is good – but their romance novels are what I really like!”

This reviewers conclusion is that L. Ron Hubbard probably masturbated while staring at one or more mirrors.

Bazooka Joe Review

I was doing some errands when I saw a pack of Bazooka Joe bubble gum. Bazooka Joe! I thought back and the last time I remembered buying that was as a little kid. Five cents for a piece of the gum. I have no memory of how much other bubble gum cost, it may be that five cents wasn’t even that good a deal but it felt like it.

An impulse buy of only a quarter got you five slices of potential greatness.

Sayah kids, who wants to trade depth perception for some gum! (You know, the eye patch reduces depth perception … and Bazooka Joe, in my imagination, was saving up money for an operation.)

The taste? Eh. The comic? Generally eh. And yet, I couldn’t resist it!

Now, for old time’s sake – let’s give a fresh look at Bazooka Joe gum, and (there better still be comics or this will be a big disappointment) the comic that accompanies the gum!

Bazooka Joe Review

Bazooka Joe

Based on the font, you already know you’re in for a good time. It’s both zany and to the point.

Wait a minute, glancing at the Bazooka Joe nutrition facts for the first time (possibly ever in the history of the gum) reveals a startling bonus – I’m about to get 1% of my daily required total carbs from this?! And surprisingly only 3 grams of sugar per piece (from memory, it sure seemed like a lot more than that).

(For example, one Caramel deLite cookie, formerly samoas, has 6 grams of sugar. Oh wait, I guess that means 3 grams of sugar for a piece of gum is a lot. Moving on!)

Bazooka Joe gum

I open a piece of the gum and set aside the comic/wrapper.

(Can that really be said so casually! It’s a COMIC that is wrapping paper! Why isn’t that standard practice for all things? Imagine how much healthier I’d be if bananas had cool drawings on them. Chaquita Banana’s misadventures are predictable and leave too much up to the imagination. She just seems to be standing there, happily, and you have to come up with the rest of the comic panels on your own. And the other panels can’t be that crazy because whatever she’s up to can’t involve movement since she somehow manages to keep that crazy, non-user-friendly hat on her head. That’s it for my side-rant.)

I am Chaquita Banana and I’m unable to move! … Please someone take this hat off my head it is far too heavy for my scrawny arms.

Now, with delight and wonder filling my eyes, I pop the gum into my mouth and I am greeted with an immediate feeling of a tired jaw. A slightly fruity taste, with a gritty texture greets me. I wonder if the three grams of sugar are worth all of this effort. I could’ve eaten a caramel delite by now, and it would’ve tasted way better. After about thirty seconds the gum gets better, I think the sugar is finally flowing and things are looking up. About thirty seconds after that I’m bored and reaching for the comic. Don’t let me down Bazooka Joe!

Bazooka Joe Comic

The “flavor” (there’s a taste, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call it a flavor) is still around but the desire to have this gum has faded.

And yet … I want to read another comic! What zany misadventures will Bazooka Joe get himself involved in! What … am I going to do with all these other sticks of gum?

  • Taste: 2 stars
  • Packaging: 4 stars (It’s not a good comic, but there’s a comic so they get top marks for effort.)
  • Cost: 2 stars
  • Overall: 3 stars (It’s like an annoying friend, you forget why it’s no good so you come back … Oh, I’ll be back Bazooka Joe, but I won’t like it.)

Funny Last Note: Apparently Bazooka Joe pulled the comic and now includes brain teasers. This started back in December of 2012 or January of this year. So … overall rating goes down to a 2.5 at best. Bad move, Bazooka Joe! Also, how old was this gum I just chewed? Gross.

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