The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘twitter’

Hey Man, You Pregnant?

Hey what’s going on? I noticed you’re looking at stuff in Target, you pregnant or something? I just ask cause they sell kids’ clothes here.

Oh and speaking of pregnant – you want me to help you announce to your friends and family that you might be pregnant?

Look, I know you said you’re not pregnant … But let’s be honest, you might be.

We can do this a bunch of ways, and I will help you make this a memorable announcement for as little as ten dollars. No more than one hundred – and for that price you start the video and say, “I have a big announcement everyone” all like happy or whatever, and then I walk in from a different room just wearing a diaper and maybe like one of those hats babies wear … And I say like “wah way mother f-” and then a microwave beeps or something so it’s like my cussing is edited. Or I can cuss. Whatever. That’s like the premier package.

I disagree, I don’t think you need to call security.

Listen for ten ten bucks, we call that the premiere package, you just announce it all nice like and I just sit off behind you a few feet back and make non-stop eye contact with the camera like the camera is flirting with me and I’m like ya whaddup camera I see your game and it’s love love baby.

No, what? Excuse me officer, did you hear what I just said? I said a tennis reference. That’s. A. Tennis. Reference.

All right. I get it, I’ll leave. Hit me up on twitter, @preggarsman, remember ten to one hundred and your friends and family will love you more.

First Day of Work Tweets

@bikes4bullies, 6:36 am: Ahhhh! First day of work! SO EXCITED!!

@bikes4bullies, 7:12 am: Leaving now! I could hardly eat breakfast!

@bikes4bullies, 7:18 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: dude i think im still drunk. good luck.

@bikes4bullies, 7:40 am: Dang got here way too early! Now I’m sitting in the parking lot like a perv. Some good looking coworkers though o_O =D

@bikes4bullies, 8:10 am: Everyone is super nice. Score!

@bikes4bullies, 8:59 am: Ok. No harassment. No misuse of resources. No super long breaks. Don’t talk like an idiot. Don’t look like an idiot. Got it.

@bikes4bullies, 9:25 am: @champchimp4life Lawlz … No I write my tweets on the sly and only takes a few seconds so it’s not misusing any company time or anything.

@bikes4bullies, 9:26 am: The bathroom smells weird. Yes, I’m toilet tweeting. Twoileting?

@bikes4bullies, 10:02 am: Still in hr training stuff … so basically you’re saying use common sense … seriously, got it …

@bikes4bullies, 10:41 am: One of the people in the sexual harassment video was hot. Is that weird? jk jk

@bikes4bullies, 11:12 am: Goooooooood godddddddddd make this stop

@bikes4bullies, 11:14 am: LOL! RT @summurrrrwhat: thats what she said

@bikes4bullies, 12:49 pm: Lunch couldn’t last long enough. I’m only like 4 hours into my day. How is this possible?

@bikes4bullies, 2:14 pm: Dang I just realized like I have to do this like forever?

@bikes4bullies, 2:17 pm: I wonder if anyone has ever cried during training because they realized the summer of their life is over.

@bikes4bullies, 2:19 pm: hahasorry too real right?

@bikes4bullies, 3:02 pm: Wow. This guy I just walked by is like a genuine hunchback. I think I’m going to do that 10 minute break from your computer an hour thing.

@bikes4bullies, 3:14 pm: Would it be considered bad to play hooky on your second day of work?

@bikes4bullies, 3:52 pm: Ok sorry. Got some negative tweets. I’ve got a job. It’s good. It’s cool. It’s just that I miss college.

@bikes4bullies, 4:12 pm: Saw my desk. This is some genuine Office Space stuff right here! I even saw a guy with a red stapler.

@bikes4bullies, 4:14 pm: Who is going out tonight?

@bikes4bullies, 4:15 pm: Because I’m not! LOL!

@bikes4bullies, 4:20 pm: Got a bunch of responses to that … Maybe it’s less LOL and more … I don’t know. The guy I sit next to has been working in that EXACT SAME CUBE longer than I’ve been alive.

@bikes4bullies, 4:34 pm: Did you know 26 minutes is 1,560 seconds? I just learned that.

@bikes4bullies, 4:35 pm: Did you know 25 minutes is 1,500 seconds? Haha ok I’m done.

@bikes4bullies, 4:44 pm: Here’s my new way to tell how slowly time is moving … If I’d rather be doing sit-ups time is SLOW. If I’d rather be at yoga time is moving at an ungodly slow pace.

@bikes4bullies, 4:59 pm: So a co-worker just told me that one guy at work Googled my name and found my Twitter account and apparently a lot of people I set by have been watching this and laughing all day.

@bikes4bullies, 5:01 pm: Oh shit they saw that too.

@bikes4bullies, 5:04 pm: See you tomorrow (co-workers). Everyone else, I’ll write you on fb to send you a new screen name

Attn: Ellen (3/5/14)

Front

Ellen Oscars Twitter

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen Oscars Twitter

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Congrats on the Oscars and on breaking Twitter.

Similarly, I recently had a tweet favorited so I guess we’re both trend setters.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Tough Mudder Tweets

I am no stranger to bad ideas. Last year I did the MS150 (a 2 day, 150 mile bike ride from Houston to Austin). I made predictions before the bike ride for what I would be thinking on day 1, and day 2. This year I have been training for the Tough Mudder.

If I could tweet during the Tough Mudder, here’s how I’d expect it to go.

Mile 0: Huh, some of these guys don’t look so buff. If they can do it I can do it! Or maybe they’re secretly buff? I’m scared.

Mile 1: #WhatWasIThinking #ShootMe #hashTag

Mile 2: Two miles down! Why did I buy such garishly bright colors? I’m just covered in mud.

Mile 3: I now officially hate monkey bars. With a passion.

Mile 4: Oh man I just helped a dude up a wall thing. I feel like such a tough guy! But also nice. A tough nice guy! Like a villain in a musical?

Mile 5: I regret comparing myself to a villain in a musical.

Mile 6: If I was to do a word association game with either of the words ‘tough’ or ‘mudder’ my association would be a shrieking noise ending in a hiss.

Mile 7: Wait, did they say this was 10 to 12 miles? What is that? How much further is this!?

Mile 8: So that’s what an ice bath feels like.

Mile 9: #Crying #TellingPeopleItsSweat

Mile 10: So that’s what being shocked feels like.

Mile 11: Am I angry at myself? Is that what this is? Is is that I have self-hate?

Mile 12: Holy crap monkeys. I did it!!!! Now to shave this incredibly stupid looking beard.

 

You know I actually do have a Twitter account. You should follow me!

Dear Friends and Family, part 2

As a thoughtful person, I will arrange my apologies in three categories: friends and family, random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers, and people I confessed my love for.

Friends and family:

During those weeks I spent in my shelter I realized the error of my ways. Can I live without you? No. Would I be better off if I never saw you again? No! Do I wish we’d never even met? Perish the thought!

Why would I have said such things? Temporary insanity! Clearly! I mean, come on, I believed in the Mayan Apocalypse! Let’s all laugh about that, and enjoy some friendly ribbing! I can take an insult as well as I can give one … But, don’t you want to learn from my mistakes and be better than me? I think you do. Let’s do each other a favor: you should forgive me and I will hang out with you like before.

Random people on the street/cops/Twitter followers:

Any negative experiences you underwent as the result of alleged interactions with me are truly unfortunate, and I, as any decent person would, wish only the best for you.

People I confessed my love for:

First of all, I feel like I have a big heart, so the idea of me having several people who are “my one and only” is not THAT unrealistic. I want to make that clear.

Unfortunately, traditional thinking will probably keep you from understanding how big my heart is – so I am deeply sorry about confessing my love to four people  (two of whom are married, and those apologies extend to the husbands as well).

To the guy I confessed my love for … I wanted to see what it felt like. As someone who works in a laboratory, I feel like you should be impressed at my scientific approach. What does it feel like to tell a man you love him? For me, eh.

I guess we both learned something that day, you’re not gay, and I need a girlfriend. Look at that, jokes about myself! See! I can give and receive this kind of “bashing!” What fun!

Oh, and happy New Year everyone!

Starting the Day off Creepy

It was a day like any other. I woke up, hit snooze a few times, and then reluctantly got out of bed. The earlier I start work, the earlier I’m back with my best friend – my couch. But something felt different today, something I just couldn’t identify.

Nevertheless, I got up. I began my morning routing – a bowl of cereal while I watch the local NBC news. For local news, bad jokes, and attractive anchors – go to Local 2 News! Jennifer Reyna, the traffic girl who could make traffic stop with her good looks, was talking about an accident or really clear lanes or whatever it was, she’s too pretty for me to notice.

I thought, “maybe I should tweet that I like kicking off my mornings with Miss (hopefully Miss) Reyna.” But then I realized that would be boring. I thought of a bad joke, “Folgers? Who needs that when you’ve got Reyna.” But no, that was a really bad joke. I wouldn’t do that. But the idea had entered my head … Twitter … Jennifer Reyna … Me …

I had to know! I signed on my computer and searched for her name – what’s this! There IS a Jennifer Reyna on Twitter! I look at the brief description that every Twitter user can create, and this didn’t seem like the standard PR-created byline for a semi-celebrity user of Twitter. The byline said,

“Dedicated to the traffic hottie Jennifer Reyna on Houston’s KPRC Local 2.”

Could it be … Could it be that there are other creepy guys out there who like Jennifer Reyna?! And could it be that one of them is so creepy he has created a Twitter account where he, every day, posts a picture of Jennifer (dear, sweet Jennifer), describes her outfit, and RATES it!?

http://twitter.com/ratereyna

Yes, I would say there are other creepy guys out there …

“Did I mention that Jen’s secret power is the ability to make brown look good? It’s freaky! Rating: 9.5”

Follow Me on Twitter!

Recently I got a fancy pants smart phone. You know what that means, right? Updating the world on all my glorious happenings and thoughts whenever I please.

Why not join the 57 other geniuses of the world and follow me on Twitter?

In the past few days here are some lovely little pictures I’ve tweeted …

“Ohhh sexism. Check the awesome text in the top right corner.”

“Rhinos have it all figured out”

“Caramel surprise? That’s not off putting at all. “

“Yup”

%d bloggers like this: