The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘tips’

Trip Tips From Your Pals at DumbFunnery

Hello friends, the travel season is upon us! (It is?) (Yeah, whatever, it doesn’t matter.) (Oh, ok.) And with travel season, we need some travel tips!
When you are going somewhere, it’s natural to have goals or plans in mind. Maybe you (Wait really? Why don’t people just go and … I don’t know, experience things and
let things happen as they may.) …As I said, SOME people like to have goals or plans (you didn’t say some people before) (Oh … whatever) SOME people like to have
plans in their mind and sometimes those plans don’t work out. (Yeah, which is why you should just – ) (SHUSH.) (You think that’ll quiet me?)
Here’s what we at DumbFunnery recommend (Why do you keep pretending there are multiple authors?) (If there aren’t multiple authors, that means I’m just talking to myself
in parenthesis while I write something) ( …True).
All of the friendly staff here at DumbFunnery (STAFF? Oh come on) recommend two travel plans where you might ordinarily have one.
Have the day planned where you get to do the things you want (This is so dull), AND one where you don’t get to accomplish anything you want.
I call it the optimistic and the pessimistic plans.
For the optimistic plan you might go to a zoo, a museum, and a specific place for lunch. (Oh sweet, where are we going for lunch?)
For the pessimistic plan the zoo is closed, there’s a trip from the school of the aggressively bad smelling that has just descended on the museum, and the restaurant was
recently turned into an ironic night club that only serves cold ketchup and warm vodka. (Blech.) The reason for the pessimistic plan is to force you to think
of things you’ll enjoy even if everything goes awry. (Oh … That’s not a bad idea actually.) (Shut it, we’re losing credibility by agreeing with ourselves.)
Maybe for the pessimistic plan you force yourself to compare the architecture of the city to your own home, maybe you pay attention to the people and make a bingo game
where the free block is an old man who is leering too much. (There’s something kind of off about you.) (Hey friend, don’t be mean.)
The sky is the limit! But the point is, even when you don’t hit all of your marks, you’re still on a trip – so ENJOY!
Thank you kindly from all of us here at, where our destination … (Don’t do it) is always FUN!

Customer Support Tips & Tricks

You may have noticed when calling a lot of large corporations these days that the customer support has changed. In place of being connected straight away to a person, you answer a few automated prompts.

“Thank you for calling .. Comcast! Customer service is … important to us! Please state the reason for this call!”

That’s when you’re expected to say something like “bills” or “tech support” or “change plan” or who knows what else.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret – the system is even more complex and convoluted than you ever thought.

Here’s what they’re not telling you

You remember those old computer text prompt games? For example, Colossal Cave Adventure? In these games you received text descriptions and you responded to the game with a set of commands.

Modern customer service is actually an audio based version of a prompt game. If you’re not getting the help you deserve, try some of these shortcuts.

“Thank you for calling .. Comcast! Customer service is … important to us! Please state the reason for this call!”

“Search room”

“In front of you there is a gathering of inpatient customer service representatives. To your left you see a door that says ‘helpful people.'”

“Open door”

“The door is locked. You will now talk to our worst agent.”

Huh. That didn’t work. Ok, how about this.

“Thank you for calling .. Comcast! Customer service is … important to us! Please state the reason for this call!”

“Grab lantern”

“You are holding a lantern. There is an ON/OFF switch. It is currently OFF.”

“Turn on lantern”

“With the light you can now see that the entire room is full of clowns, laughing and pointing at you. You retreat in fear.”

“Stop retreating in fear”

“Command not recognized.”

“Flee room of my own volition”

“Command not recognized. Our worst agent is on the way to support you.”

Welp. I tried.

Tips for Planning a Surprise Party

Acknowledge to the person the surprise is for that you are doing something for them … So that they don’t go off and plan their own thing in a fit of, “but what about meeee?!”

Don’t tell your friend who can’t keep a secret til the day before. If that friend is someone who is busy, invite him or her to some fictional activity that is the same time as the actual event.

First and foremost – remember that the party is for … well, whoever it’s for. It’s not for you. Plan for their tastes, not yours!

Don’t email the spouse of the person the party is for, in case the recipient of the surprise party happens to have access to the emails of the spouse (sure, this seems specific – but it happens)

Anywho, see you in a few days for your non surprise party, Mom.

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