The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Horse

Can’t see the spice ‘dill weed’ without giggling. (What a total dill weed.)

Does a great impression of someone doing a terrible impression of a German accent. Not really, but it’s better to think that’s what he’s doing.

Ewwwwwww! … Oh, ohhhh! Ha. Oh I get it … Still, ew.

Bicycles, unicycles, recycles – you name it, he cycles it.

Regrets to inform you that he is FRESH TO DEATH!

Otter

When he’s in a fight with his girlfriend he talks to a pretend audience, saying, “oh sure, who needs fluid transitions? Change scene as you please.”

Is not platform independent.

Doesn’t know which he has more of: attraction to Burt Reynolds, or fear over his attraction to Burt Reynolds.

Every once and a while says something so poignant and so brilliant – but then you realize you’re just drunk.

Wouldn’t pick Lebron James.

Long-Spined Sea Urchin

Counting down the minutes until the next hour begins.

FOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Glasses? Check. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Pants? … Of course not.

Loves discovering great, unheard of indie romantic comedies. Also happens to hate 99% of the movies he watches.

Notices you noticing him noticing you.

Mandrill Monkey

Finds you incredibly attractive.

Like a fine wine, gets better with age. Unlike a fine wine, hated by old white people.

Funky. Fresh. Dressed. And ready to party.

When he’s bored he kills time by picturing famous people saying, with dramatic flair, “up your butt and around the corner.”

Refuses to drink Aquafina bottled water – you call that bottled water? He calls it bottled spit. Puh-lease!

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