The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Animal Facts’

Animal Facts! (Minor Breed Duck, Puff Adder, Patas Monkey, Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle)

Minor Breed Duck

Has never been a big fan of forgiveness.

When he looks at a map of Sweden he sees every city as “Hersky-Bersky-Land.”

Only had one fight with his ex-girlfriend. He apologized, then she apologized, then she said, “don’t get pissy – kissy, kissy!,” then he ended things.

Deliberately creates a mess and then re-organizes when nervous. Now tell me that’s not cute.

Liked a certain brand of beer before watching a football game. After seeing 47 ads in three hours for the beer, decided he hated it.

Puff Adder

Fears labels. Not in a relationship-sense, but as in labels identifying food. It’s kinda weird.

You can call him – just don’t call him Al.

Says something really snarky then adds, “ugh, you probably think I’m terrible, right?” Yes, we do.

Wishes he could come up with a cool way to combine the words shark and snark.

Thought the word ‘napkin’ was a mythical creature. Gross. But when you think about it a napkin does sound like it could be a mythical creature.

Patas Monkey

Refers to minorities as “culturally tan people.” It’d be racist if it wasn’t so stupid.

Favorite part of football is when the offense lines up – then they all look over to the sideline. He pretends someone on the sideline yelled, “free candy!”

Could light your cigarette with his sssssmokin’ dance moves.

When his girlfriend is giving him the one-word answers because she’s angry at him, he makes matters worse (but funnier for him) by making the Law & Order “DUNH-DUNH” noise a lot.

Shortly before taking off, asks seatmates, “So why are you heading to Omaha, Nebraska?” He asks this regardless of where they’re heading.

Madagascar Big-Headed Turtle

Goes to the gym just to increase the amount he can conversationally say the word “glutes.”

Posted a ‘missed connection’ ad on craigslist. The missed connection was titled: “pop singers.” The content of the message was: “My fist. Your face.”

Imagines waking up on Christmas to a Lexus with a big bow on it. And his wife smiling, and his looking surprised. And then him yelling, “how the **** are we going to pay for THIS? Are you stupid!?”

Named some of his muscles. I won’t list all of the names but they include: Tom Cruise Missile, Jeff GoldBOOM, Jacked Nicholson, Betty White (a muscle he thinks is stronger than people realize).

“Scrambled eggs made with love” is his specialty. His other specialty is “mixed drinks made with regrettable decisions.”

Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)

Crowned Hornbill

Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.

Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.

Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.

Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.

Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.

Antelope Ground Squirrel

Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.

Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.

Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.

Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.

Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.

Cotton-Top Tamarin

Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.

If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.

For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.

A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.

He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.

Blue-Bellied Roller

Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.

Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.

Jaw-clenches with the best of them.

“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.

Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”

Animal Facts! (Meerkat, Clouded Leopard, Southern Bald Eagle, Conch)


Favorite phrase, by necessity, is “I could’ve sworn someone told me ‘pants optional.'”

Hits on girls by saying even if he can’t touch their treasure CHEST, he’s still going to think about ways to get that BOOTY.

Tickle fight champion of the world.

Makes the best BLT. It’s his own recipe. What he does, see, is leaves off the L and the T. Now, who doesn’t want one of those inspired meals?

After he got his braces off he got sick of everyone asking him how it “feels to have straight teeth!?” He started replying, “try as you might, my teeth will always be gay!”

Clouded Leopard

Is part of a nested state machine, if you know what I mean …

Just spawned some threads, if you catch my drift …

Is implemented with the latest versions, and I think you know what I’m talking about …

Integrates well with your tool suite, and I’ll leave it at that …

Is in the process of revolutionizing embedded systems, if you catch what I’m throwing …

Southern Bald Eagle

Despite all the no’s he’s received – still convinced a transsexual transcontinental airline would be a big hit.

Went on a date with an optometrist and ended the night with a kiss. He quickly said, “one.” Then another kiss, followed by saying “two”. Then he said, “Which is better? Would you like to see one again?” There was no second date.

Is obviously biased towards what is obviously correct. His words, not mine.

His feelings about this could be summed up with just one finger …

About to go bowl his heart out.


Whenever he walks by a construction site and hears the clanging noises he pretends it’s the world’s worst steel drum band.

Personality best compared to cut off jeans shorts.

Yells out “make mama proud” at the worst possible times. Finds this very, very amusing.

Verifiably fabulous.

Has a pair of black chino pants that he calls his rappachinos. It’s not clever enough to justify the racism, but it’s ok because he’s racist.

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