The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘horse’

Attn: Ellen (4/12/17)

Front

Ellen304a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen304b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I wonder how many photographers have taken a magical picture like this only to get home, look at the picture, notice a giant horse penis.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (1/8/14)

Front

Ellen151a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen151b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I bet if I was a horse and going to my first day of horse high school and I saw other horses and I said “hey” some bully horse would say “horses eat hay!” I’d probably try to have a quick response like, “that joke is stale-ion … like stallion …”

This hypothetical horse high school would be tough for me.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (4/10/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres horse

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

On this postcard you see Sebastian. Sebastian was happily free & living life to the fullest. Then one day he was captured, “broken,” and began his new life living in a stable.

But Sebastian didn’t like this cooped-up life. He got moody (see: the postcard picture). His owners felt bad and decided to let him free. He was too emotional!, they said, living indoors had made him … unstable.

Your daily dose of oy right there!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Attn: Ellen (2/2/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I could see myself sending this to someone and saying, “here I am in NOLA, I saw this and thought of you, horse-face.”

Then I could see that person slapping me for that.

Sincerely,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com

Animal Facts! (Horse, Otter, Long-Spined Sea Urchin, Mandrill Monkey)

Horse

Can’t see the spice ‘dill weed’ without giggling. (What a total dill weed.)

Does a great impression of someone doing a terrible impression of a German accent. Not really, but it’s better to think that’s what he’s doing.

Ewwwwwww! … Oh, ohhhh! Ha. Oh I get it … Still, ew.

Bicycles, unicycles, recycles – you name it, he cycles it.

Regrets to inform you that he is FRESH TO DEATH!

Otter

When he’s in a fight with his girlfriend he talks to a pretend audience, saying, “oh sure, who needs fluid transitions? Change scene as you please.”

Is not platform independent.

Doesn’t know which he has more of: attraction to Burt Reynolds, or fear over his attraction to Burt Reynolds.

Every once and a while says something so poignant and so brilliant – but then you realize you’re just drunk.

Wouldn’t pick Lebron James.

Long-Spined Sea Urchin

Counting down the minutes until the next hour begins.

FOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Glasses? Check. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Pants? … Of course not.

Loves discovering great, unheard of indie romantic comedies. Also happens to hate 99% of the movies he watches.

Notices you noticing him noticing you.

Mandrill Monkey

Finds you incredibly attractive.

Like a fine wine, gets better with age. Unlike a fine wine, hated by old white people.

Funky. Fresh. Dressed. And ready to party.

When he’s bored he kills time by picturing famous people saying, with dramatic flair, “up your butt and around the corner.”

Refuses to drink Aquafina bottled water – you call that bottled water? He calls it bottled spit. Puh-lease!

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