The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘lebron james’

Lebron James – Breaking News

Lebron James is a person.

Basketball is a sport.

News breaks, but super glue can help.

Wait, am I doing this right?

Oh yeah!

Find out more … at 11.

Why the San Antonio Spurs are Boring

It turns out my buddy Juicebox finds people calling the Spurs boring annoying. I am currently watching the game (is watching the right word? It makes it seem like I’m not prying my fingernails off), and I wanted to write a post in honor of this thing he finds annoying.

I don’t actually care about basketball that much. When I watch, I root for the Suns, so I don’t like Robert Horry. And the Spurs still hurt a little because of the year they knocked out the Suns (and the controversy surrounding it).

That’s not what I’m here to talk about though. I’m here to talk about why the Spurs are more boring than a coworker’s dogs medical history. This was very difficult to come up with, but here are five things that are as boring as the Spurs.

  1. When someone is telling a story and they say “hoary” and you think they mean “whore-y” but no, they meant “hoary.” Temporary dose of excitement GONE.
  2. The variety of commercials whenever you watch something online (like ESPN3 or TNT basketball).
  3. The stuff you read through when you google “really boring things.” One of which was a video of Martha Stewart talking about boring things. Oh, internet.
  4. This list.
  5. Manu Ginobili’s bald spot. (Rumor has it his bald spot isn’t even real. Gregg Popovich asked him to shave it into his head to, “add some excitement to the team.”)

In reality, I way over-explained my actual opinion on why the Spurs are “boring” to Juicebox. I explained way past the point of his caring, but I thought it was accurate and a good explanation, so here it is again.

The Spurs are boring to MOST people watching the NBA finals. Why? Because most people watching aren’t big NBA fans. I really like, and know, football. Baseball is second. If I go to a baseball game and it’s a great pitcher’s duel – only four hits all game and the game ends 1-0 … that’s probably boring to most people. But you know what? Because I know the sport, I appreciate the talent that led to that happening.

The Spurs are very methodical, smart, organized, and they execute well. As someone who doesn’t care about the NBA, this is incredibly boring. I want stupid antics, over-the-top personalities, and nonsense. I don’t want to have to admit these things, because that means I’m into DRAMA … but you know what? That’s what people are hoping to see. Lebron causes conversations, Tim Duncan causes naps.

Face it folks, we want the drama. If we didn’t, the Spurs wouldn’t be BORING, they’d be amazing.

Three Boys at a Doorstep

Lebron James looked around, fidgeting. Kobe Bryant rolled his eyes and said, “fine, I’ll do it – but you need to learn to man up and just gun it.” That’s when Kobe reached out and rang the doorbell. (Though, to be honest, he was fidgeting too.) Meanwhile Dirk Nowitzki looked sort of like a billy goat.

The boys heard someone coming to the door and they all stared apprehensively at the handle.

The door opened.

A kind woman was standing there, smiling at the sheepish boys. “Why hello! I hadn’t seen you for a while!”

“Hi,” the boys said in unison, “is Talent home?” A keen observer would notice that the three boys had their fingers crossed.

“Ohh,” the woman said sadly, “I’m sorry boys, Talent took a trip with Off-Season-Effort.”

Dirk loosened an imaginary tie, Kobe overtly gulped and Lebron chewed his nails like a beaver attacks a tree.

“But,” the woman continued, “Talent will be back around the start of February.”

The three boys looked at each other, shrugged, said “OK!” and walked away happily.

Animal Facts! (Horse, Otter, Long-Spined Sea Urchin, Mandrill Monkey)

Horse

Can’t see the spice ‘dill weed’ without giggling. (What a total dill weed.)

Does a great impression of someone doing a terrible impression of a German accent. Not really, but it’s better to think that’s what he’s doing.

Ewwwwwww! … Oh, ohhhh! Ha. Oh I get it … Still, ew.

Bicycles, unicycles, recycles – you name it, he cycles it.

Regrets to inform you that he is FRESH TO DEATH!

Otter

When he’s in a fight with his girlfriend he talks to a pretend audience, saying, “oh sure, who needs fluid transitions? Change scene as you please.”

Is not platform independent.

Doesn’t know which he has more of: attraction to Burt Reynolds, or fear over his attraction to Burt Reynolds.

Every once and a while says something so poignant and so brilliant – but then you realize you’re just drunk.

Wouldn’t pick Lebron James.

Long-Spined Sea Urchin

Counting down the minutes until the next hour begins.

FOOOOOOOOOD FIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Glasses? Check. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Pants? … Of course not.

Loves discovering great, unheard of indie romantic comedies. Also happens to hate 99% of the movies he watches.

Notices you noticing him noticing you.

Mandrill Monkey

Finds you incredibly attractive.

Like a fine wine, gets better with age. Unlike a fine wine, hated by old white people.

Funky. Fresh. Dressed. And ready to party.

When he’s bored he kills time by picturing famous people saying, with dramatic flair, “up your butt and around the corner.”

Refuses to drink Aquafina bottled water – you call that bottled water? He calls it bottled spit. Puh-lease!

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