The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

The Worst Lawyer Ever

There once was a lawyer named Johnny Winsome.
He was, with pride, the worst lawyer ever.
“With Winsome, you lose-um.”
When Johnny was drunk, he was clever.

Johnny was often quoted in the local newspapers,
“Heroes have capes, I have capers.”

Hiding a smile, the reporters would ask, “Johnny, do you think you have a chance?”
“That depends,” Johnny’d say, “do the Aussies live in France?”

If you liked laughing,
If you wanted to see the creation of a new verb: gaffe-ing,
If you didn’t mind waking your lawyer for closing remarks from his too-common napping,
You’d see Johnny Winsome, the King of “wait, I missed that your honor, what’s happening?”

A client of Johnny’s was inconsolable
He’d lost so he had his hands full,
Johnny gripped the client’s shoulder and said,
“When you’re in jail, and you’re full of dread,
“Read Every Witness is a Surprise Witness, if You’re a Bad Enough Lawyer,
“It’s my autobiography and I’d love some feedback if, with your upcoming ample free time, with me you’d confer.”

But Johnny wasn’t the only lawyer in town,
It’s said Johnny was born with a smile, and the other lawyer invented the frown.

Yes, I mean Crystal Snodgrass.
Who was dubbed by the courts, “the affidavit-carrying snake in the grass.”

She wasn’t clever,
Not accidentally. Not on purpose. Not ever.

But Crystal Snodgrass WON.
She ended every talk by closing her brief case and saying “we’re done.”

Phone calls ended with click, the dial tone.
Though with Snodgrass off the phone,
Even if you were sitting alone,
You somehow felt less alone.

This small town that housed these two opposite stars
(One with fans who loved the bar, the other with fans who loved bars),
Were about to have a momentous event –
A little case, which was not at all important
EXCEPT for this one little fact that the town could not bypass
It was a case where Johnny Winsome would face Crystal Snodgrass

Miss Snodgrass, at 7:59 am heard of the case,
As was her fashion, she cut to the chase,
“He makes jokes, I make money.”
The reporters finally got hold of Johnny at three,
They wanted to know if he’d heard what she’d said,
“Wait – who am I up against? Uh oh. Better get out of bed.”

Snodgrass: “I guarantee my client hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”
Winsome: “I guarantee my opponent will do hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”

Miss Snodgrass requested a meeting with Mr. Winsome and his client,
She wanted him to roll over and be compliant.
“Mr. Winsome, I’ll give you small concessions if you keep this out of court and don’t waste our time.”
Mr. Winsome had to be poked, he was distracted by an éclair which was simply divine.
Miss Snodgrass repeated her unnaturally ‘nice’ offer,
Mr. Winsome stood, looked offended, and said, “I could do worser!”
Miss Snodgrass rolled her eyes efficiently,
Precisely, and succinctly,
“‘*I* could do better,’ she corrected,
“Please do then for me,” he jested.

The day in court had finally arrived
Which was an event Miss Snodgrass knew had happened, and something Mr. Winsome realized.

During opening statements Miss Snodgrass told the court she would present the cold, hard facts.
Mr. Winsome forgot to prepare anything, so he pretended to have flashbacks.

From the press: “Winsome’s a hit with his classic flashback routine,
Snodgrass is terrible but effective, per usual, ‘The Human Fluorine’.”

Snodgrass is beating Winsome so bad she’s not only wiping the floor,
She’s waxing the floor,
She’s buffing the floor,
She’s refinishing the floor,
She’s – you get the picture or do you need more?

“Objection your honor, relevance?”
Miss Snodgrass asked for the hundredth time
(Winsome was ignoring Snodgrass’s hints to use common sense).
That’s when Winsome stumbled on an idea he considered sublime:

“Your honor,” Mr. Winsome said with poise and self-import,
“I’d like to ban relevance from the court!”

Relevance was not banned,
But Snodgrass’s hatred for Winsome was fanned.

Snodgrass did not in the slightest bit slack
On her legal attack.
It was so rough it made one nerdy juror say, “holy frack”.

The day arrived when the jury delivered its ruling.
And, who are we fooling?
We of course know that Snodgrass defeated Winsome,
Because “With Winsome, you lose-um.”

What’s the moral of the story?
It was delivered by Winsome outside the court amid much flurry,
“If I had to choose between being stupid or rich,
I wouldn’t. Because I’m both. Now ain’t that a bitch?”

Comments on: "De Jour of the Week (8/10/10)" (7)

  1. I am commenting not on your poem, but your hilarious part as Bruce Campbell at he Non-Review. That was some funny dialogue and I wanted to give you credit. haha good stuff!

  2. Genius poem. You really made the characters real in short time AND told a story. Pretty masterful.

    Plus the line about the éclair was crackin’.

  3. I came over here after reading your hilarious interview on the Non-Review, and then when I get here I get treated to this really funny poem/story of yours. Really good stuff, and well written. So now I think I’ll stick around a bit, and probably follow you. So from one wordpress blogger to another, thanks for the laughs.

    • DumbFunnery said:

      Sweet deal! (And thank you!)

      I just opened up a new tab with your blog and glanced through … I’ll be starting with the bet tomorrow.

      Oh and I’ll be bugging you to find out how you got the google connect thing. I tried and it said no dice since it contains javascript.

      • Yeah, that’s tricky. When you have a wordpress.COM account, as opposed to a wordpress.ORG account, your functionality is limited, unfortunately. But I’ll be more than happy to give you any info you want. Just let me know.

      • DumbFunnery said:

        Yeah I realized about the .com and .org thing … I need to look into the .org stuff. See about possibly doing that.

        Thank you kind stranger!

        I’m digging your blog, yes, this blog …

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