The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘loser’

De Jour of the Week (8/10/10)

The Worst Lawyer Ever

There once was a lawyer named Johnny Winsome.
He was, with pride, the worst lawyer ever.
“With Winsome, you lose-um.”
When Johnny was drunk, he was clever.

Johnny was often quoted in the local newspapers,
“Heroes have capes, I have capers.”

Hiding a smile, the reporters would ask, “Johnny, do you think you have a chance?”
“That depends,” Johnny’d say, “do the Aussies live in France?”

If you liked laughing,
If you wanted to see the creation of a new verb: gaffe-ing,
If you didn’t mind waking your lawyer for closing remarks from his too-common napping,
You’d see Johnny Winsome, the King of “wait, I missed that your honor, what’s happening?”

A client of Johnny’s was inconsolable
He’d lost so he had his hands full,
Johnny gripped the client’s shoulder and said,
“When you’re in jail, and you’re full of dread,
“Read Every Witness is a Surprise Witness, if You’re a Bad Enough Lawyer,
“It’s my autobiography and I’d love some feedback if, with your upcoming ample free time, with me you’d confer.”

But Johnny wasn’t the only lawyer in town,
It’s said Johnny was born with a smile, and the other lawyer invented the frown.

Yes, I mean Crystal Snodgrass.
Who was dubbed by the courts, “the affidavit-carrying snake in the grass.”

She wasn’t clever,
Not accidentally. Not on purpose. Not ever.

But Crystal Snodgrass WON.
She ended every talk by closing her brief case and saying “we’re done.”

Phone calls ended with click, the dial tone.
Though with Snodgrass off the phone,
Even if you were sitting alone,
You somehow felt less alone.

This small town that housed these two opposite stars
(One with fans who loved the bar, the other with fans who loved bars),
Were about to have a momentous event –
A little case, which was not at all important
EXCEPT for this one little fact that the town could not bypass
It was a case where Johnny Winsome would face Crystal Snodgrass

Miss Snodgrass, at 7:59 am heard of the case,
As was her fashion, she cut to the chase,
“He makes jokes, I make money.”
The reporters finally got hold of Johnny at three,
They wanted to know if he’d heard what she’d said,
“Wait – who am I up against? Uh oh. Better get out of bed.”

Snodgrass: “I guarantee my client hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”
Winsome: “I guarantee my opponent will do hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”

Miss Snodgrass requested a meeting with Mr. Winsome and his client,
She wanted him to roll over and be compliant.
“Mr. Winsome, I’ll give you small concessions if you keep this out of court and don’t waste our time.”
Mr. Winsome had to be poked, he was distracted by an éclair which was simply divine.
Miss Snodgrass repeated her unnaturally ‘nice’ offer,
Mr. Winsome stood, looked offended, and said, “I could do worser!”
Miss Snodgrass rolled her eyes efficiently,
Precisely, and succinctly,
“‘*I* could do better,’ she corrected,
“Please do then for me,” he jested.

The day in court had finally arrived
Which was an event Miss Snodgrass knew had happened, and something Mr. Winsome realized.

During opening statements Miss Snodgrass told the court she would present the cold, hard facts.
Mr. Winsome forgot to prepare anything, so he pretended to have flashbacks.

From the press: “Winsome’s a hit with his classic flashback routine,
Snodgrass is terrible but effective, per usual, ‘The Human Fluorine’.”

Snodgrass is beating Winsome so bad she’s not only wiping the floor,
She’s waxing the floor,
She’s buffing the floor,
She’s refinishing the floor,
She’s – you get the picture or do you need more?

“Objection your honor, relevance?”
Miss Snodgrass asked for the hundredth time
(Winsome was ignoring Snodgrass’s hints to use common sense).
That’s when Winsome stumbled on an idea he considered sublime:

“Your honor,” Mr. Winsome said with poise and self-import,
“I’d like to ban relevance from the court!”

Relevance was not banned,
But Snodgrass’s hatred for Winsome was fanned.

Snodgrass did not in the slightest bit slack
On her legal attack.
It was so rough it made one nerdy juror say, “holy frack”.

The day arrived when the jury delivered its ruling.
And, who are we fooling?
We of course know that Snodgrass defeated Winsome,
Because “With Winsome, you lose-um.”

What’s the moral of the story?
It was delivered by Winsome outside the court amid much flurry,
“If I had to choose between being stupid or rich,
I wouldn’t. Because I’m both. Now ain’t that a bitch?”

Weekly Wacko (21)

Bracket? I Hardly Know It!

It’s almost March Madness time, BABY! (That’s my Dick Vitale – who annoys the hell out of me, BABY!) I enjoy college basketball now, sort of. For example, last year I watched the final game between whoever and their opponent (go underdog!), BUT, I did arts and crafts while watching the game. Seriously.

I took construction paper and cut out giant numbers for a clock. Then I taped these numbers on my bathroom wall, and I gutted your simple, average school clock (the big white one with the black lettering) so that just the motor was left, and I taped that on the wall. Wha-la! Arts and crafts!

The most interested I ever was in a college basketball game I wasn’t attending (if I’m there all bets are off – I’m INTO it) was when I put 20 bucks on Boston College to beat somebody. I was in Vegas with the fam and let’s GOOOOOOO twenty bucks! BC lost. Stupid BC.

Anyhow, as a kid, I had even less interest (which is a very tiny amount of interest) in basketball. So what did I do when I was forced to fill out a bracket?

*

I lived in Leavenworth, Kansas from the 3rd to 6th grades. Most of my friends there, and it seemed like a majority of the town, were crazy for Kansas. That is, the University of Kansas Jayhawks. There was the occasional fan for Kansas State, but mostly we were in Jayhawk territory.

That’s how it goes in a state with two big schools, you’ll find something similar in Arizona where you’ve got Arizona vs Arizona State.

Because people were crazy for Kansas, and Kansas was (and is) consistently a big contender in college basketball, people talked about college basketball.

I liked playing basketball with my family, and I did the very stereotypical boy thing of practicing buzzer beater shots in our driveyway.

“5 seconds Stanley’s coming down the court! 4 seconds! Stanley passes to … Stanley … 3 seconds! … he puts UP THE SHOT! … um … HE WAS FOULED! HE WAS FOULED! I CAN’T BELIEVE HE WAS FOULED!”

I have a great imagination, which really came in handy because I was (and am) a lousy shot. You wouldn’t think someone would be fouled while doing free throw shots at the very end of the game, but in my daydreams I was. Fouled over and over and over – until I made the shot.

Anyhow, the extent of my basketball knowledge was just how bad I was at basketball.

In gym, when brackets were passed out and EVERY (seemingly) boy around me got excited, I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t confident enough to clearly show my ignorance, and it really did feel like everyone knew what this bracket meant and who these teams were. I thought the best and most logical option was to pretend I knew exactly what I was doing.

“You put Gonzaga as advancing? Brad, I don’t know … do you know something?”

Um. Gonzaga sounds like a nickname for a part on a woman’s body? So I picked that? How do I explain my reasoning, when I have no reasoning?

I put Arizona as going all the way, because that was my dad’s favorite team. I had watched basketball, and it could be enjoying (the last few minutes at least), but for the most part it didn’t hold my interests. I’d rather be DOING something.

I looked at the bracket like it was a math problem, and people weren’t actually involved.

“The sixteenth ranked team against the first ranked team … well, obviously the first ranked team … unless it’s a trick …”

I turned in my bracket having confidence I would be out soon – and hope that the gym coach (or anyone) would throw it away without studying it.

“That Brad kid is amazing! He picked every losing team in the first round!”

This year my arts and crafts project while watching the game will be to do some collages of a sort. I’m a man’s man, and don’t you forget it.

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