The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘joke’

Wikipedia Joke Guy

I decided on an identity for myself for classes. Is it too late? Let’s hope not, because it’s a gem of an identity.

I will be! … Wikipedia Joke Guy!

Here’s how it will work …

Professor: Well on this slide there are only nine things in the Common Body of Knowledge but … I thought there were ten …
(A minute later)
Me: Uh, professor … I just looked it up on Wikipedia. There are ten, I think you’re missing the “Operations Security” part and also, according to Wikipedia, Tommy Harris is a big stink face.

Aren’t I zany!? You see, anyone can update Wikipedia, so … I’m pretending that some random little kid … Um, you know … Went on Wikipedia and wrote … that … So … Sorry, keep going, Professor.

I have a feeling that would be the follow-up comment to my joke. There would probably be a few people in class who would get my joke, and the joke would maybe even get a smirk or two, but everyone would let me sit there in my joke explanation pain.

But would that stop me? Hardly.

Boss: Well I’m not sure when the Agile methodology actually started …
Me: According to Wikipedia it started in 2001, and also dinosaurs are a ploy by the government to distract us from the fact that Lasik is an experiment in mind control.

Cue the crickets, and the awkward joke explanation talk.

Penguins and Slow Dancing

At some point during sixth grade my dad came around with some news.
“Family meeting, family meeting …”
No, I actually have no idea how he announced this. It’s funny, I don’t remember one single time when my dad or mom announced to the family that we’d be moving. It seems like there should be some sort of psychological conclusion there, maybe that I blocked them out because the announcements always impacted me more than I realized but … nope! Pure coincidence!
Anyhow. We were going to be moving. Kansas to New York.

The interesting thing about Kansas was that we lived off post.
This had its ups and downs. I was exposed to new things (really, there is a difference between living on post and living off post).
One of my closest friends, when I told him I would be moving, said, “so you come and you suck the friendship right out of us! And then you leave?!” This was in sixth grade. Talk about your funny. This guy always killed me (if you’re reading this Jimmy – hello!).
When I moved I would usually tell my close friends because, after all, they were the people who would need to know this. Living on post, you kind of expect that at the start of the next school year you won’t see a few faces, but you’ll see a few new faces. It was a nice rotating yearbook.

Before moving from Kansas, my ‘cool’ friend got me invited to an end of the year party.
We made it through sixth grade! Life is good! Let’s go hang out in someone’s basement and listen to the Spice Girls! YEAH!

When I got to this party I knew most of the people … I just generally never spoke to them. As a rule, I try very hard to clam up and become nervous and … if possible … look even more gangly than usual.
I stood around nervously and chatted a bit.
After a little bit we played … You’ve gotta be kidding me … What am I on a bad teenage TV show? Am I Doug Funny? Am I Cory Matthews? Are we seriously about to play this!?
Spin the bottle.
I had not kissed a girl yet. This was panic inducing. Luckily I still did not have acne (though for all I know my face instantly became riddled with zits as soon as I heard the phrase, ‘spin the bottle!!’).
When it was my turn I spun the bottle. Round and round and … Hey … It pointed toward a girl I actually really liked! She was … smarts-wise … not my style. But looks-wise, yes please!
Based on her reaction, she did not feel the same way.
How do you say … ouch.
I did a terrible Italian accent and pretended to kiss her on both cheeks.
I included this side story because it’s somewhat funny and a milestone moment (my first and only game of spin the bottle!) and because DANG! Cool thinking under pressure, huh? I mean really! I was in sixth grade, I just found out this girl I liked did not like me one bit, and I came up with that joke. Not too shabby, 6th grade self.

The highlight of the night for me came later.
A slow dance song came on and a girl I’d known since third grade (when I moved there) said let’s dance. I painfully (I was so embarrassed!) admitted that I had never slow-danced and did not know how.
She said I’ll teach you. She said it like it was no big deal.
Sincerely, this blew my mind. I fully expected to be laughed at and made fun of. Isn’t this where the lights dim and random attractive figures appear and point at me while they laugh?
She and I danced. Her hands on my shoulders. My hands around her waist. The standard foot to three feet distance between us.
It was magical.
We slowly pivoted, turning in very slow circles. We chatted a bit.
At some point I realized –
“I feel like a penguin.”
She laughed!
She laughed!
Of course! All I have to do is be funny! This joke totally worked! And the way we were dancing, we probably looked like penguins too!

I danced with a few other girls and I made the same joke to each one of them (I am so cool, huh?).
One girl said I was funny and that she wished we had hung out more at school this past year. That was an awesome compliment for me. I was invited to hang out over the course of the summer and to of course hang out next year at school! We’ll all be best friends!

“Oh actually … I’m moving.”
Where to?
“New York.”
NEW YORK! WHEN!?!!??
“Umm … like a few days.”
Whoops.
I had told my good friends about my move. And that was it. Apparently this was a mistake – was I supposed to have taken out a school flier?

Really, it was a good night for me.
I pretended to kiss a girl.
I danced with a girl.
To this day I can clam up about dancing. Luckily, I enjoy alcohol and alcohol enjoys making me do the robot.

What I Do After 50% of My Jokes

Awkward Quick Hits

I went to a big meeting and asked a question which was not a question but really more of a complaint about the current setup for the project the meeting was about. Later that day I was walking to the bathroom, and from the other end of the hallway my boss’s boss was also walking there. He said, “you troublemaker!” I laughed and went in the bathroom. Then he came in. We ended up sitting in stalls next to each other … I wanted to either undo  my being in the bathroom or shout, “HERE COMES TROUBLE!”

I was hanging out with a friend, along with her girlfriend and another friend of ours. My friend said something about liking chick-chick flicks. Then she asked if I knew what that meant. I assumed it meant a really girly chick flick, but then something about how she asked made me think – wait, “she’s talking about girl-on-girl porn??” Then, after I mentioned porn, she became embarrassed for me and explained that chick-chick flicks are a romance movie where the two characters who fall in love (not lust) are girls. Whoops.

I went out on the town with some friends and was introduced to friends of my friend with this – “This is Brad, he’s a really crazy dancer.” The response from one guy was, “I can tell by his bone structure!” Later the three of us walked over to a group of girls to try and muster up the courage to talk to them (I talk a big game and say ‘let’s do it!’ then I chicken out). While we’re standing there a girl came up and asked if we had a lighter for her cigarette. We said no, then the friend-of-friend said, “this guy’s dance moves will light a fire though!” Then the two friends and the girl stared at me. I stared back – too much pressure! – and did nothing.  (But that line of his still cracks me up.)

And I’ll end with a brag – I was very proud of this little joke of mine. Two friends of mine and I headed to lunch one day, and when we arrived we got out of the car. There was a construction site nearby and a man was banging something metallic on something else metallic. I said, “that is the worst steel drum band I have ever heard!” (Actually I said that’s the worst Jamaican band I’ve ever heard – but I’ve revised the joke now that I have time and can remember what I intended to say.)

De Jour of the Week (8/10/10)

The Worst Lawyer Ever

There once was a lawyer named Johnny Winsome.
He was, with pride, the worst lawyer ever.
“With Winsome, you lose-um.”
When Johnny was drunk, he was clever.

Johnny was often quoted in the local newspapers,
“Heroes have capes, I have capers.”

Hiding a smile, the reporters would ask, “Johnny, do you think you have a chance?”
“That depends,” Johnny’d say, “do the Aussies live in France?”

If you liked laughing,
If you wanted to see the creation of a new verb: gaffe-ing,
If you didn’t mind waking your lawyer for closing remarks from his too-common napping,
You’d see Johnny Winsome, the King of “wait, I missed that your honor, what’s happening?”

A client of Johnny’s was inconsolable
He’d lost so he had his hands full,
Johnny gripped the client’s shoulder and said,
“When you’re in jail, and you’re full of dread,
“Read Every Witness is a Surprise Witness, if You’re a Bad Enough Lawyer,
“It’s my autobiography and I’d love some feedback if, with your upcoming ample free time, with me you’d confer.”

But Johnny wasn’t the only lawyer in town,
It’s said Johnny was born with a smile, and the other lawyer invented the frown.

Yes, I mean Crystal Snodgrass.
Who was dubbed by the courts, “the affidavit-carrying snake in the grass.”

She wasn’t clever,
Not accidentally. Not on purpose. Not ever.

But Crystal Snodgrass WON.
She ended every talk by closing her brief case and saying “we’re done.”

Phone calls ended with click, the dial tone.
Though with Snodgrass off the phone,
Even if you were sitting alone,
You somehow felt less alone.

This small town that housed these two opposite stars
(One with fans who loved the bar, the other with fans who loved bars),
Were about to have a momentous event –
A little case, which was not at all important
EXCEPT for this one little fact that the town could not bypass
It was a case where Johnny Winsome would face Crystal Snodgrass

Miss Snodgrass, at 7:59 am heard of the case,
As was her fashion, she cut to the chase,
“He makes jokes, I make money.”
The reporters finally got hold of Johnny at three,
They wanted to know if he’d heard what she’d said,
“Wait – who am I up against? Uh oh. Better get out of bed.”

Snodgrass: “I guarantee my client hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”
Winsome: “I guarantee my opponent will do hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”

Miss Snodgrass requested a meeting with Mr. Winsome and his client,
She wanted him to roll over and be compliant.
“Mr. Winsome, I’ll give you small concessions if you keep this out of court and don’t waste our time.”
Mr. Winsome had to be poked, he was distracted by an éclair which was simply divine.
Miss Snodgrass repeated her unnaturally ‘nice’ offer,
Mr. Winsome stood, looked offended, and said, “I could do worser!”
Miss Snodgrass rolled her eyes efficiently,
Precisely, and succinctly,
“‘*I* could do better,’ she corrected,
“Please do then for me,” he jested.

The day in court had finally arrived
Which was an event Miss Snodgrass knew had happened, and something Mr. Winsome realized.

During opening statements Miss Snodgrass told the court she would present the cold, hard facts.
Mr. Winsome forgot to prepare anything, so he pretended to have flashbacks.

From the press: “Winsome’s a hit with his classic flashback routine,
Snodgrass is terrible but effective, per usual, ‘The Human Fluorine’.”

Snodgrass is beating Winsome so bad she’s not only wiping the floor,
She’s waxing the floor,
She’s buffing the floor,
She’s refinishing the floor,
She’s – you get the picture or do you need more?

“Objection your honor, relevance?”
Miss Snodgrass asked for the hundredth time
(Winsome was ignoring Snodgrass’s hints to use common sense).
That’s when Winsome stumbled on an idea he considered sublime:

“Your honor,” Mr. Winsome said with poise and self-import,
“I’d like to ban relevance from the court!”

Relevance was not banned,
But Snodgrass’s hatred for Winsome was fanned.

Snodgrass did not in the slightest bit slack
On her legal attack.
It was so rough it made one nerdy juror say, “holy frack”.

The day arrived when the jury delivered its ruling.
And, who are we fooling?
We of course know that Snodgrass defeated Winsome,
Because “With Winsome, you lose-um.”

What’s the moral of the story?
It was delivered by Winsome outside the court amid much flurry,
“If I had to choose between being stupid or rich,
I wouldn’t. Because I’m both. Now ain’t that a bitch?”

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