The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

The astronaut named Jim gasped.

“Do you see that?,” Astronaut Jim asked. “Over there … What is it!?”

Pyotr the Russian looked, and gasped, but in Russian. “I don’t know,” he said in menacing sounding English (because he’s Russian, see), “it looks like … no, it … it …”

***

Meanwhile, on an alien spaceship, Astronaut Glork is talking to his friend Astronaut Bubba.

“Hey, yo – Glork – what the H is that? Is that … dude, check it, is that … an alien spaceship?”

“What the frick, bro. I think it is.”

Glork and Bubba exchanged a shocked look.

***

“You have make contact,” Pyotr said.

Astronaut Jim shrank back, thinking Pyotr was threatening him due to his very menacing sounding broken English. Stinking Russians.

“What should I say?” Astronaut Jim wasn’t sure what he should say.

***

“Dude, this one time on this other mission I was out and there were like all these alien spaceships all around us and we -”

“No wait, I’ve got an even crazier story,” Glork cut off Bubba. “See I was on this mission and this alien spaceship BOARDED our spaceship and they were all like ‘oooh hey astronauts!'”

“Psh. No way. That didn’t happen.”

“Shut up, it could have.”

***

“You think they’d even want to talk? They’re probably busy. I’m sure they don’t want to talk.”

“Our mission is interesting. You have test tube in hand – who doesn’t want talk with someone with test tube?”

“Please. Who wants to talk with someone with a test tube.” Astronaut Jim looked down and fidgeted a bit. He moved his right foot around like he was squishing a bug into the ground.

***

After three hours of this the alien and human mission controls got back in touch, “anything to report?”

“No,” the astronauts said, too embarrassed to admit they were too chicken to ask for the other life-forms digits.

***

Has anyone ever considered that we send total geeks into outer space. And I bet if other planets shoot people out to explore outer space, they probably send the nerds too. What if there is life in outer space, but everyone has just been too nervous to make the first contact?

Also, Russian accents are fun to make fun of.

The End.

I wrote this, then read this post which is also about aliens. Found that kind of funny.

Comments on: "Outer Space is Full of Garbage, Satellites, and Nerds" (6)

  1. Ha, what a great story.

    And seriously, we should have a classy, well groomed space person on each mission just in case. Someone who isn’t afraid to go across the interplanetary dance floor and make a martini for alien life.

    I’m so happy to come across your blog, keep up the entertainments.

    • DumbFunnery said:

      Hey! Thank you kind sir!

      I think the person you’re describing is none other than Lando Calrissian. And what better way to greet alien life than with a bunch of colt 45 malt liquors?

  2. If we didn’t blow them up first, then yeah, I think that’s definitely how “making contact” would be made. Astronauts used to be test pilots, so they were brave and would risk anything. But now, they’re just nerds and geeks who like to study how well mashed potatoes stay on a spoon in zero gravity. So your story will probably occur verbatim one of these days.

  3. Haha, that’s probably the most realistic outcome from an alien meeting. Nice story man.

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