The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘accent’

What’s Chinese for Italian?

Two of my friends and I went to eat dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

My first friend ordered his meal, and found out that it came with a soup or salad. Great, he said. What kinds of dressings do you have?

The waiter said something, “and ranch.”

“Uh,” my friend said, not sure what the first thing was, “I’ll do the first one.” He picked that one because he assumed it was some Chinese-food kind of dressing and wanted to try it.

The waiter then repeated the dressing, and this time it was plain as day what it was he’d said.

The waiter repeated the dressing name for confirmation. This time I understood him.

“Yes,” my friend said, still not understanding the waiter.

“What’s that taste like?,” my other friend asked, trying to figure out the dressing.

The waiter looked at us like we were idiots. I had to keep back a laugh. The waiter thought for a minute and then said, “Italy.”

The dressing, by the by, was Italian.

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Outer Space is Full of Garbage, Satellites, and Nerds

The astronaut named Jim gasped.

“Do you see that?,” Astronaut Jim asked. “Over there … What is it!?”

Pyotr the Russian looked, and gasped, but in Russian. “I don’t know,” he said in menacing sounding English (because he’s Russian, see), “it looks like … no, it … it …”

***

Meanwhile, on an alien spaceship, Astronaut Glork is talking to his friend Astronaut Bubba.

“Hey, yo – Glork – what the H is that? Is that … dude, check it, is that … an alien spaceship?”

“What the frick, bro. I think it is.”

Glork and Bubba exchanged a shocked look.

***

“You have make contact,” Pyotr said.

Astronaut Jim shrank back, thinking Pyotr was threatening him due to his very menacing sounding broken English. Stinking Russians.

“What should I say?” Astronaut Jim wasn’t sure what he should say.

***

“Dude, this one time on this other mission I was out and there were like all these alien spaceships all around us and we -”

“No wait, I’ve got an even crazier story,” Glork cut off Bubba. “See I was on this mission and this alien spaceship BOARDED our spaceship and they were all like ‘oooh hey astronauts!'”

“Psh. No way. That didn’t happen.”

“Shut up, it could have.”

***

“You think they’d even want to talk? They’re probably busy. I’m sure they don’t want to talk.”

“Our mission is interesting. You have test tube in hand – who doesn’t want talk with someone with test tube?”

“Please. Who wants to talk with someone with a test tube.” Astronaut Jim looked down and fidgeted a bit. He moved his right foot around like he was squishing a bug into the ground.

***

After three hours of this the alien and human mission controls got back in touch, “anything to report?”

“No,” the astronauts said, too embarrassed to admit they were too chicken to ask for the other life-forms digits.

***

Has anyone ever considered that we send total geeks into outer space. And I bet if other planets shoot people out to explore outer space, they probably send the nerds too. What if there is life in outer space, but everyone has just been too nervous to make the first contact?

Also, Russian accents are fun to make fun of.

The End.

I wrote this, then read this post which is also about aliens. Found that kind of funny.

Animal Facts! (Lory, Nubian Ibex, Fossa, Butterfly…ish)

Lory

Make spinach and artichoke dip whenever ‘Braveheart’ is on. They call it, ‘Spinach and Brave-Heartichoke dip.’

Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? HA!

Legs that go for … hours. Zing!

Oh my GOD! I totally just remembered he went out with Becky in fifth grade!

Owe thousands in back taxes.

Bonus Fact!: CRAPPED ON ME!

Nubian Ibex

Is simply maaaaahvelous!

Deliberately says “tapas” in a fuzzy way so you can’t tell if he said tapas or topless.

If he was a book, he’d be in the “Clearance Sale” section.

Wears a t-shirt that says, “Weather is here, wish you were beautiful” at least once a week.

Gets off at 5 today, and then … who knows! (Probably a nap.)

Fossa

Love to play on the word ‘bro.’ Like before going out you’ll likely hear, ‘and away we bro!’ If they get a pep talk, instead of a simple ‘thanks’ it’ll be, ‘dude, you’re my wonder bro.’ Get it? Like a wonder bra. But it’s bro.

“In mine country, mine papa … he would catch the fish! And in mine country! Mine brother, the second one! He would …” (Ugh. Coolest accent. Worst storyteller.)

Loves pistachios almost as much as he hates minorities.

God’s gift to gab.

When he eats chocolate he says “GOD-iva!” He says the ‘God’ part like he’s in the throws of passion. It’d be funny but he’s never actually eaten Godiva chocolate.

Butterfly…ish

Own a cowboy hat with glitter on it.

Lies like a Swedish politician.

Sweats. A lot. It’s adorable. If you’re into sweat.

Uses the word boob as a noun, adjective and verb.

Knows things, maaaaan.

Bonus Fact!: I was trying to take a picture of a butterfly in the butterfly exhibit when this lady’s leg got in the way.

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