The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘astronaut’

Art Champions of the World, part ii

Check out the fruits of our artistic labors the first time we (that is Airplanes, Rainbow Speak and I) painted!

French Fries

Mayo

Airplanes

Rainbow Speak

Mine

Laughstronauts (That Time I Made Two Astronauts Laugh)

 

 

Quotes of the Day!

“Listen, everybody … the launch is canceled, but fries now only cost 4 dollars and ninety-five cents … for the single ladies.”

NASA Chief Bolden

(I HIGHLY recommend you click on that picture. I bought some post cards from the Kennedy Space Center gift shop but what I really wanted – besides the 100 dollar space-suit onesy – was THIS picture.)

Kid: “I still want to be a monster truck driver!”

Kid’s Dad: “Aim higher, buddy.”

My folks and I toured Kennedy Space Center and got lunch there. We sat next to a couple and their 4th grade son. My mom was talking about me as a little kid and how I wanted to be an entomologist. I said I just liked catching bugs. Then the kids mom said her son wanted to be a monster truck driver. The above conversation followed. I found them pretty awesome and funny.

 

In other news I did NOT get to see the shuttle launch. This is a pretty big bummer. My parents are still there so fingers crossed that (by the time this gets posted) the launch has not been delayed again.

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

I was browsing through other blogs on WordPress based on tags I like and I found this. It’s a site, microhorror.com, and they’re having a 500 word limit horror-story contest. The theme is ‘space’ … not as in outer space, but as in ‘the physical dimension.’ I’m no good at horror stories, but I started to think – ‘what are scary situations involving space?’ This is what I came up with.

This is kind of a throw-away post. I’m going to have a new computer soon which I’m super jazzed about. Why? I’m going to get a slick video editing program and produce amazingly dumb videos. Even dumber than you’ve already seen – you didn’t know this was possible, did you?

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

It was a dream come true. All the hard work, all the effort, the schooling – It had, after all, been worth it.
He was an astronaut now.
He was taking his first space walk.
“Hey,” the astronaut stopped at the communication, “what’s with your helmet?”
The astronaut looked down to see something that seemed insignificant, a tiny bit of nothingness in the infinitude of space.
There was a small gap in the visor which kept it from closing all the way.

The three engineers who designed the helmet would be saddened and shamed if they knew what was happening – but at the moment they had their own problems.

One of the engineers behind the design of the astronaut’s helmet was having his own problems with space. He was on a date and quite nervous – the proverbial social skills-challenged brainiac.
The engineer was in the middle of a seemingly 15-point turn to successfully park.
“Just park away from other cars, I like walking,” the date said, trying to help.
“Oh … right …,” the engineer managed with a weak smile and a nervous chuckle.

The second engineer had just parked and run inside a gas station.
His bladder had run out of space.
What’s worse – so had the bathroom.
After his quick knocks an angry yell from inside rang out, “gimme a minute!”

The third engineer couldn’t have been happier.
He and his girlfriend were ‘taking the next step’ in their relationship.
He was a smart young man and of course used a condom. A condom that was designed, like the helmet, to not have any gaps.

The astronaut, full of panic and yet curious, said, “so much for that exploding head myth.”
While he chuckled and began looking to solve the problem at hand, his lungs ruptured.

The engineer on a date backed up to find a new spot, and hit a man.

The engineer in the gas station re-lived his worst day in second grade.

The engineer with his girlfriend became a father-to-be.

And some infinite being we can’t comprehend chuckled.

Outer Space is Full of Garbage, Satellites, and Nerds

The astronaut named Jim gasped.

“Do you see that?,” Astronaut Jim asked. “Over there … What is it!?”

Pyotr the Russian looked, and gasped, but in Russian. “I don’t know,” he said in menacing sounding English (because he’s Russian, see), “it looks like … no, it … it …”

***

Meanwhile, on an alien spaceship, Astronaut Glork is talking to his friend Astronaut Bubba.

“Hey, yo – Glork – what the H is that? Is that … dude, check it, is that … an alien spaceship?”

“What the frick, bro. I think it is.”

Glork and Bubba exchanged a shocked look.

***

“You have make contact,” Pyotr said.

Astronaut Jim shrank back, thinking Pyotr was threatening him due to his very menacing sounding broken English. Stinking Russians.

“What should I say?” Astronaut Jim wasn’t sure what he should say.

***

“Dude, this one time on this other mission I was out and there were like all these alien spaceships all around us and we -”

“No wait, I’ve got an even crazier story,” Glork cut off Bubba. “See I was on this mission and this alien spaceship BOARDED our spaceship and they were all like ‘oooh hey astronauts!'”

“Psh. No way. That didn’t happen.”

“Shut up, it could have.”

***

“You think they’d even want to talk? They’re probably busy. I’m sure they don’t want to talk.”

“Our mission is interesting. You have test tube in hand – who doesn’t want talk with someone with test tube?”

“Please. Who wants to talk with someone with a test tube.” Astronaut Jim looked down and fidgeted a bit. He moved his right foot around like he was squishing a bug into the ground.

***

After three hours of this the alien and human mission controls got back in touch, “anything to report?”

“No,” the astronauts said, too embarrassed to admit they were too chicken to ask for the other life-forms digits.

***

Has anyone ever considered that we send total geeks into outer space. And I bet if other planets shoot people out to explore outer space, they probably send the nerds too. What if there is life in outer space, but everyone has just been too nervous to make the first contact?

Also, Russian accents are fun to make fun of.

The End.

I wrote this, then read this post which is also about aliens. Found that kind of funny.

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