The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘nerds’

Outer Space is Full of Garbage, Satellites, and Nerds

The astronaut named Jim gasped.

“Do you see that?,” Astronaut Jim asked. “Over there … What is it!?”

Pyotr the Russian looked, and gasped, but in Russian. “I don’t know,” he said in menacing sounding English (because he’s Russian, see), “it looks like … no, it … it …”

***

Meanwhile, on an alien spaceship, Astronaut Glork is talking to his friend Astronaut Bubba.

“Hey, yo – Glork – what the H is that? Is that … dude, check it, is that … an alien spaceship?”

“What the frick, bro. I think it is.”

Glork and Bubba exchanged a shocked look.

***

“You have make contact,” Pyotr said.

Astronaut Jim shrank back, thinking Pyotr was threatening him due to his very menacing sounding broken English. Stinking Russians.

“What should I say?” Astronaut Jim wasn’t sure what he should say.

***

“Dude, this one time on this other mission I was out and there were like all these alien spaceships all around us and we -”

“No wait, I’ve got an even crazier story,” Glork cut off Bubba. “See I was on this mission and this alien spaceship BOARDED our spaceship and they were all like ‘oooh hey astronauts!'”

“Psh. No way. That didn’t happen.”

“Shut up, it could have.”

***

“You think they’d even want to talk? They’re probably busy. I’m sure they don’t want to talk.”

“Our mission is interesting. You have test tube in hand – who doesn’t want talk with someone with test tube?”

“Please. Who wants to talk with someone with a test tube.” Astronaut Jim looked down and fidgeted a bit. He moved his right foot around like he was squishing a bug into the ground.

***

After three hours of this the alien and human mission controls got back in touch, “anything to report?”

“No,” the astronauts said, too embarrassed to admit they were too chicken to ask for the other life-forms digits.

***

Has anyone ever considered that we send total geeks into outer space. And I bet if other planets shoot people out to explore outer space, they probably send the nerds too. What if there is life in outer space, but everyone has just been too nervous to make the first contact?

Also, Russian accents are fun to make fun of.

The End.

I wrote this, then read this post which is also about aliens. Found that kind of funny.

Weekly Wacko (13)

Do You Speak Crazy Smart?
When you’re a programmer (like I was/am), you work with very smart, very odd people. I was cleaning out my apartment today in preparation for my move, and I found a few notes where I had written down some gems I overheard co-workers saying.

My supervisor: I’m running the [blah] test … What would cause the [blah] to be different?
A super smart guy I called The Robot: Shitty programming?

From a normally normal person (happily): You know there are times when I want to be just a mythical person! Haha!

A super, super smart mathematical guy who looked like someone who’d been living alone in the woods for 40 years (bumping into someone): Oops. I’m sorry. Glad we’re not riding motorcycles.

Yet another kooky guy: You realize in the future every time a computer breaks down we’ll be penalized. It’ll be considered genocide.

Same guy as above: I’m an old guy … [x years old] … But what I’d like to do is go to Israel and pop [pop meaning punch in the face] a few. Pop! Pop! And if I die, I die.

Same guy (happily telling a story): Went out shooting with [Joe] and some other guys this morning.
The robot (completely uninterested): Sounds lethal.

[This same co-worker also tried to convince a Chinese-American co-worker that China is, essentially, the devil.]

A co-worker with a nerdy/cynical sense of humor: So you’re taking your training? … Has anyone gone to jail yet? … Well, there’s still hope, maybe the plot will get more involved.

[I would run some tests that this co-worker put together and I would have to double check some numbers. So I’d look and see ‘8.675309,’ then I’d look at my work to verify, ‘8.675309.’ Eventually that stupid song stuck would be stuck in my head all day.]

Not a direct quote here, but a memory. During a meeting we learned that a co-workers house had been burnt down. Everyone sat thinking that is very sad for [Joe]. A co-worker brought this up, and brought a picture of the burnt down house, to try and get us to donate supplies for [Joe]. One co-worker (a brilliant math guy) looked at the picture and noticed that some specific material had burnt. He pulled a calculator out of his pocket, punched in a few numbers and then said something along the lines of, ‘the temperature must have gotten above [x] degrees if [x material] burnt!’ He and the motorcycle guy then debated the temperature.

And my absolute favorite! I was told I would be ’steering’ a meeting, and it was my first time to do this. I put together some slides and began presenting in front of three guys. One of the guys was the same is the motorcycle comment guy from above.

During the presentation the super smart guy asked a few questions and I would sort of answer them, sort of say, ‘I’ll get to that with slide [x].’ Eventually the super smart guy said:

I don’t quite get this yet … Is there something later that will help me understand this? (I nod yes.) Ok. It’s like you’re the director and I just have to trust you because you’re the director. I wouldn’t go to “King Kong” and five minutes in say what is this? Why are we in New York City? Everyone knows gorillas come from Africa. So I’ll just have to trust that you’ll explain it later.

Amazing. My presentation, naturally, had nothing that would in any way make any normal brain think of gorillas, or King Kong, or NYC, or movies. But this is the kind of logic a magically brilliant mathematical mind like his thinks in.

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